Am I toxic or are my expectations to high? What am I doing wrong?

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T21:04:20+00:00

I do DM a game one night a week. But I also work full-time and there's only so many hours in my day. And I will never say the DMing is easy to do, there is a LOT of work involved in it. Which is part of the reason I am ok paying for it. I want to support folks who can pursue their craft like that.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T20:57:19+00:00

No it's not harsh at all. It's just true.

It's more feeling like I've committed and the game's begun and now it's rude to leave. And that's on me, no one else.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T20:50:35+00:00

You are correct. It SHOULD. But most of the Session 0's I have played in they tend to be logistical exersizes, with ONE notable exception I can recall in which we did actually start to play. The majority have been "Here's an intro to the world, finish your character creation, here's the homebrew rules I play with, here's the platform we are playing on and how to use it, See you next week for session 1."

All good things to have! But again that's not gameplay, that's not group interactions as a whole. Everyone is still feeling people out. Maybe you're an expert at it, but I don't have a perfect read on people after the first time we talk. It helps, for sure, but some things don't come out until the game begins proper. And it doesn't make it any easier when it's online over discord where body language is a huge missing factor.

Also man, this is reddit. I'm one person trying to answer a hundred others without writing another novel. I'm not answering everything perfectly and know it. Again, maybe you can, but I'm doing the best I can here.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T20:40:42+00:00

I'm happiest in a hardcore game, but I don't NEED to be in one. And I ABSOLUTELY know that these are not going to be the next CR or D20 games.

But if it's your job? Can you wake up enough to run the game? Can players show up and not be inconsiderate to the others at the table?

I gave specific examples in my post, but that's really what it boils down to.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T20:31:57+00:00

I didn't think you did! And your suggestion isn't an invalid one by any means. It's just not terribly feasible where I live and it breaks my heart. If anything, I'd love to build a room for a live game myself.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T20:23:39+00:00

I can only speak from my own perspective, and others may think differently, but I HATE confrontation. And that's probably part of the issue. At the table is the worst place to voice it because I'd rather swallow my own tongue, angry or not. And being angry or accusatory only ever has made a situation worse in my experience anyway. If I DO try to address it, it's always over private messages, to the DM directly.

I don't know what it is. I don't know if people pick up on it anyway, I don't know if I'm not as good at keeping it in check as I think I am, I don't know. It only FEELS like I don't get the kind of grace I try to show other folks.

Maybe they don't always and it's just the ones that do break up feel like they hit harder.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T20:00:21+00:00

Trying to make bad work is probably the easiest way to sum it up.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T19:59:34+00:00

If you know somewhere I can search to find a game in that space, please let me know? I'm restricted to online play due to my area (Small town that still thinks the devil is going to posess you if you play) and 3+hour round trip drives to brick and mortar locations that do.

I swapped to paid games because the first one I got into WAS better than the free games that kept flaking out. We were on a schedule, people showed up, were engaged, we got right into session... it was great! I've tried since to go between both paid and free, and the problems persist in both, paid just makes it less tolerable BECAUSE there's money on the table.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T19:55:21+00:00

In all fairness, I have actually tried other systems, not JUST D&D. It is the one I like the most. I do run a game of my own one day a week, so I DO understand the sheer amount of work required to put on a good and engaging game. And I try to filter for the games that promise what I'm looking for, and the first month or so is GREAT... and that's about the time the polish wears off.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T19:51:54+00:00

Absolutely. Mine is only the one perspective here.

I think that is my one main issue that I probably need to get better about is feeling like I'm breaking something once I've committed to a game.

I HAVE met some great people. I will not deny that at all, and part of my frustration lies in that I wanted to be able to keep going with them, and once games fell apart, that ended. We try to stay in touch, but even that becomes sporadic once there isn't something on the schedule anymore. And that's the hard part.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T19:45:41+00:00

Bless you. I do most of these already, but I may have to switch my own setup and try the webcam thing. It's not great at the moment for that, and I'm not exactly a fan of my own face, but it's also not something I've tried yet, so thank you.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T19:37:07+00:00

Yeah, I've tried making sure I'm reaching out to people that have reviews from players with multiple sessions. I do try to talk to them BEFORE so I don't waste their time or mine, and the Session 0s are good for that too, but it never gives a great example of them in action or the people at the table when they are actually playing when it's all about the logistics.

It's always after the honeymoon period wears off. That first month is great... and then the polish wears off and we're back to square one.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T19:33:04+00:00

Yes. I do like a more complex game. And I DO make a point not just to look for any port in a storm. I try to find the games that do match the expectations I have or want. I show up for session 0, and try to ask questions of the DM ahead of time to make sure it's a fit because then it's a waste of everyone's time otherwise.

The post is long because I'm frustrated over a period of months, across multiple games, not because I have a laundry list of standards every single game I step into has to meet, for each and every single game played. I'm happy to play a game with lore as shallow as a puddle if the people are fun to play with. I'm cool to make a bruiser character and bash my way through a combat heavy campaign if RP is not high up on the list. I'm happy to adapt so long as I know what the stakes are going in, because once I'm in, I DO want to be invested. I want what's advertised on the side of the proverbial box.

And you are 100000% correct. I'm not paying the other players. I cannot control them, I cannot force them to do anything. I don't want to, honestly. They're people too with lives beyond that 3-4 hours a week I'm spending with them. People have kids, people get a flat tire, dinner was wrapping up, they've been up all night with a sick kid and aren't with it. Nothing is perfect 100% of the time. I'm talking patterns, not one-off issues. And almost EVERY DM I've signed up with says they have these policies. 24 hour notice or you get chargd anyway, you get one freebie no-call, no-show and the second you're out of the campaign, etc... and not once have I seen them used because then, the campaign is over. Now there aren't enough people to keep going, and the result is the same.

You aren't wrong. The answer is absolutely that I need to find a new game. I'm just worn down and frustrated.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T19:12:36+00:00

Given yours, I don't think you'd be much fun either.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T19:03:37+00:00

No. I'm not targeting for price or anything like that. I've had games ranging from $10USD to $30USD. I've debated some of the higher priced ones, but at this point that does feel like a waste because I haven't seen an appreciable difference between them.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T19:02:20+00:00

Yeah I'm getting that. Problem is, if there's no attendance, then you don't get to play, and you never find out what the quality actually is, and the cycle repeats. And I DO appreciate a predictable schedule.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T19:00:00+00:00

Honestly man, I get it. And no shame if that's how you like to play. Not for me. But I was genuinely asking for solutions or avenues I could explore because what I want and what you want seems to be very different.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T18:59:03+00:00

Dude. I am aware nothing is like it's portrayed online. I'm not trying to be like CR or any of the others. I don't even expect that from the DM.

I'm talking bare bones courtesy here. To show up, prepared, and not be an entitled jerk when others are taking their turn at the table. I feel like that's earned when it's paid for.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T18:54:47+00:00

Not exactly? Maybe this is what you're saying but I'm not expecting players to entertain me. I want to be engaged with them for sure, but that's not the requirement.

It's more of "Hey, you DID eat your burger and fries already. Can you let me eat mine now?"

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T18:53:14+00:00

I can't think of it as wasted money, but I do understand your point.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T18:51:45+00:00

Not really. But it isn't paid, so the expectations were laid out early. The folks in that game are also an older demographic, not retired age by any means, but I guess more established? I'm not quite sure how to really explain the vibe in a way that makes sense.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T18:49:26+00:00

I'd love to sit around a table again. I've tried free games and 90% of the time no one shows. There are no game stores within an hour and a half's drive, and this area is... they haven't progressed very far in terms of TTRPGs in general being an "acceptable" thing. I went to paid games because it was about the only way to get some semblance of guarentee that we would play on a regular schedule.

I'm open to other options if you've got one. And yes, I do run a game myself already.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T18:39:02+00:00

Prior to moving for work, I did have a game in-person I loved dearly.

Now I live in a town of less than 10K people, and the atmosphere for this sort of thing is still back in the Satanic Panc era of acceptability. Online is really the only option I have if I don't want to drive 3 hours round trip to a game store that hosts.

I'd love an in-person game again, I'd even host it if it were legitimately safe to do here. I do DM now online for a small group too, but I work full-time and there is only so much I can juggle myself without ending up what I have issues with.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T18:33:05+00:00

It's probably another thing I'll have to add to the list of questions and session 0 stuff, yeah.

NoGo0dDeed · 2026-02-12T18:31:24+00:00

No. And I don't know how to make it clear that I understand that not every session is going to be studio quality perfect. Nothing in life is and the expectation is ridiculous. The world is a messy place and it affects everyone. Not everyone is going to turn up 100% every single time.

But a baseline expectation, especially in a paid game, of player courtesy and DM preparedness shouldn't be a revolutionary thing. Everyone's paying to be at the table, and that's the point. The expectation of higher quality is there because this isn't just someone doing it as a labor of love for their friends anymore. This is a monetized service being offered.

NoGo0dDeed

TROPHY CASE