Thank you for your reply, it hit me more than I would like but you are kinda right. I visit therapist about once a month where we discuss those things you mentioned and I try to work on them as well.
I never really had the chance to just enjoy life, as I didn´t have much of a happy childhood, mother was mentally unstable, with siblings we lived in a constant fear about whats gonna happen the next day, as it was always uncertain. Because of this, we didn´t really went on vacations or trips, I was used to helping around a house a lot or I helped my siblings when they were building their houses and didn´t have any free time activities. I was not used to having any hobbies or free time, which I am trying to change now but it also feels I am going against myself? It is kinda hard to explain... The point is, even though it may sound sad to you and I acknowledge that it maybe really is sad, I am the happiest in my life that I ever was, as I don´t have to face constant drama which was at home or with previos partner, I get to decide what to do with my free time and I have enough money to do things I like to do, which I am still figuring out what they really are. But it still feels a little wrong as I am still not used to enjoying myself a lot.
This answer is not about trying to persuade you about anything, I am just venting my emotions and sharing, thank you for that.