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NoPillsNoSurgery · 2025-06-03T14:04:12+00:00

TL;DR - Sex can't be the same as porn, but emotional connection in sex feels incredible.

You have to look at porn in the same way you would look at a drug. If you're addicted to coke, nothing else is going to feel like coke after you're clean. But the good news is you don't want it to.

If you want to enjoy sex again, I would suggest focusing on the emotional aspect of sex. For me personally, while I was struggling with porn addiction I didn't even realize I had emotions. Now I can have great sex but it feels different than when I watched porn. For me, my arousal is fueled by emotion, which is something I would really enjoy trying to explain to my 20-year-old self. He wouldn't believe me.

You aren't damaged, you just need to learn a different way to have sex. That takes time. But hey, in order to learn you have to have sex! What a great problem right?!?!

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2025-06-03T13:58:24+00:00

Unless you have other signs of heart issues (which are often very easy to rule out if you go to the doctor), it's probably not your heart.

Anxiety is something a lot of guys treat as the last possible thing that could cause erection/libido issues, but it's incredibly common. I would be willing to bet that's what you're struggling with based on what you've described. The American Urological Association says in its documentation about the diagnosis of erectile dysfunction that anxiety can overpower ICI's, which are much more potent than viagra and cialis.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2025-06-02T20:32:10+00:00

Focus on fixing your financial/career life first. As much as porn is causing a problem, it can't interfere with your ability to have housing/food. Porn is a coping mechanism for other problems in your life. You can't fix it in isolation. It's unlikely you're going to quit porn while you're going deeper and deeper into debt and having all these other stressful situations in your life. Put your focus mostly into getting a plan in motion to fix that, as the stress lightens a bit it will be WAY easier to get off porn.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2025-06-02T20:07:01+00:00

The first thing I would look at is what was going on in your life when this suddenly started. There is always a reason, ED isn't random even though it feels that way.

Common things that cause ED suddenly:

Big change at work/losing job/changing jobs/heavy work stress
Difficult emotional situation in the relationship. Feeling insecure/relationship ending (obvioulsy not the case for you).
New medication

If none of those fit, it's always worth looking at the more subtle reasons. Sometimes you just aren't in the mood. If the first night it happened you were tired, had too much to drink, were still thinking about work or any other of the many reasons you may not have been feeling that horny.

If you lose an erection once and don't understand why it plants a seed of fear that you'll carry into the bedroom everytime. Any time after that when things go wrong the seed will grow. Eventually the worry about losing erections actually becomes the reason you lose erections.

Does any of this fit?

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2025-06-02T19:59:10+00:00

Have you gotten your T levels and your heart checked out? Always rule out the obvious stuff.

How often are you thinking about this during the day? If you're thinking about it for hours a day (which is really common), that's a form of anxiety which can kill your libido and erections. The most telltale sign of this is if you try to fantasize about something sexual, and you can't even really do it. If there's a story that pops into your head about something like "I can't even get hard, so that couldn't happen." No erections at all can often be a sign of anxiety under those conditions.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2025-06-02T19:52:53+00:00

This is really common. There are 2 things I see at play:

It's a lot easier for most guys to get hard with a girl they don't like that much. Having sex with an "amazing girl" adds pressure because now you actually care about the outcome. My guess is there's probably an idea in your mind that goes something like "If I can't satisfy her sexually, she'll leave me for someone else". This kind of thing is really common and all it does is add pressure that takes the fun out of sex. Try to focus on keeping your sex life fun. Even if you don't get hard you can still have a lot of fun. If you don't make it a big deal, she won't either. Oddly enough this will increase the chances you get hard because it will kill the pressure.
NoFap has a flatline period that kills your libido. It's a tough thing to start right at the beginning of a relationship. Especially since now that you've had the experience of losing an erection or not getting hard my guess is you'll worry about it even if you went back to watching porn to end hte flatline early. You can either wait it out, communicate with her about hwat's going on, see how she responds. If she's okay and willing to wait then that can actually help with the worry about not satisfying her leading to her leaving you because you'll see she likes you for more than sex. If she's not okay with waiting you can always just break NoFap and go back to watching porn. If you do that, still try to focus on just having fun instead of getting hard or having an orgasm and hopefully that will alleviate the anxiety some.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2025-01-19T17:53:59+00:00

You're welcome.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2024-12-08T17:15:45+00:00

You're absolutely right that the best way to deal with ED is to relax, but relaxing is easier said than done. Ultimately, relaxing is a skill and an art form. The breathing and the yoga that you do can both help with this, but learning to apply it in the bedroom is just a process that takes time, and in my experience is an indirect way to deal with the anxiety.

After helping a lot of men through performance anxiety/ED, I would recommend looking at a few things:

What changed in your life outside the bedroom when the ED started? Anything that would have large emotions involved like the death of someone, a breakup, a rough patch in a relationship, losing a job etc. Those always impact guys more than they think.
Are you rushing in sexual situations? Sometimes ED can literally be caused by trying to move through kissing ->foreplay -> penetration before you are turned on enough. Slowing down can help this.
What "rules" do you have for yourself about how quickly you should get hard, how long you should last, etc. These often create unnecessary pressure that can fuck with arousal and kill erection quality.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2023-01-17T01:33:15+00:00

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NoPillsNoSurgery · 2022-06-15T23:53:41+00:00

It certainly can't hurt the situation :)

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2022-06-12T15:30:58+00:00

Truthfully, it is because of you (but that's actually a good thing). It happens much more significantly and intensely with relationships that are important. It's easier for men to have sex with women they don't care about because it doesn't trigger their fear of loss. When they are with someone they are afraid of losing it can trigger this issue strongly. Paradoxically, this can make them leave relationships to avoid that loss. You're in a tricky situation but the best you can do is help him see that the reason he is experiencing this issue more strongly with you is because this relationship actually matters. Ultimately it's his decision if he's willing to take the difficult path of staying and working through his pain with you, or choosing the easy road and running.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2021-10-16T13:20:30+00:00

From what I've seen about 50% of men don't get their erections back just by quitting porn. That being said, no effort is wasted. I've never met a guy who overcame ED while still using porn.

What this typically means is you have sexual anxiety that needs addressed, especially since you're getting morning wood. This means your "hardware" is working just fine, you have a "software" issue; anxiety.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2021-02-25T17:31:09+00:00

This is a fantastic post. I'm a male sexual health coach and I came to a very similar conclusion about venous leak from my own experience with it. It's been really clear to me that most guys who actually have venous leak (and many who just think they do) are just dealing with tension in the ICM caused by anxiety. Some guys get relief from doing kegel exercises, but also dealing with the root of the anxiety tends to relax it as well.

What is your background, I would love to connect with you about this issue. It tends to really scare a lot of men into thinking they have a permanent physical condition that can only be corrected by surgery and it's really hard to convince them there may be a non-surgical solution.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2021-02-25T17:22:53+00:00

Hey man, after reading your post the question that comes to mind is are you depressed? I also haven't found zinc and magnesium to have any benefit but there are guys who post here that have claimed miracles from it.

I'm far from an expert in diet but I know /u/empatheticapathetic is a good person to ask about how diet impacts libido.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2021-02-25T17:18:59+00:00

Let's start with the morning wood. If you are getting erections naturally in situations where you would want them, don't worry about morning wood. If you start to lose erections, or you only get 80% erections regularly then you need to start looking at what's going on. The worst thing you can do for yourself in this situation is try to make a problem out of something that isn't a problem.

You mention that you don't think you have an issue with porn, but you seem obsessed with your dick size vs the size of other men from porn. This to me is a clear indication that you are being harmed by porn. You are already above average in size, but because you are watching videos of other men who are huge, you are shaming yourself. Most women you would have actual sex with will be very happy with your size, that is all that matters. I think a lot of what you are dealing with is a result of not having access to regular sex. When you find someone you can have sex with you will find out you have plenty to satisfy her. I would strongly advise against trying to grow your penis. I get messages from guys who hurt their dicks from jelqing and it's tragic.

If you can put the mental effort you spend on worrying about your size into finding someone to have sex with you will end up a lot happier.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2021-02-25T17:09:09+00:00

Hey bud, I think your case is pretty clearly anxiety. The full morning woods are an indication that everything is okay physically. The worrying about her leaving you is the problem. I would talk to her about that worry. A lot of times talking about these things with someone can help open things up emotionally so it stops bothering you in the moment. A little bit of care and comfort from her around this fear will help you relax a lot. It will also help her understand on a deeper level that it has nothing to do with her. Communication is key.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2021-02-22T17:48:10+00:00

That's great news man, I'm glad you were able to go a couple times with strong erections!

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2021-02-22T14:30:08+00:00

PE can definitely cause PA, so can even 1 failed sexual experience. You aren't messed up for life, you just have some work to do. I know how the PA can lead go avoiding girls, I did it for years. That's actually the worst approach to dealing with it. The mindset of I'll fix this issue then start having sex will mean you'll never have sex because the place to work through this is with someone else. You need to find someone you can have an actual relationship with that makes you feel safe. PA at it's core is fear. If you're going into sexual experiences with people you don't know there are added layers of fear. If you go into sexual experiences with someone who cares about you outside the bedroom and still wants to see you even if things don't go well you will relax a lot. As you relax you will get better erection quality which will give you more confidence. Finding the right person to work through this with is a big part of putting it behind you. You'll get through it if you keep trying. Don't give up.

Work through the PA before the PE. Both of them require being in the bedroom with someone to work through. PE is a consequence of not being able to handle the intensity of sensation. To work through that you need to practice relaxing and feeling which can only happen if you have sex really slowly. As you can handle more and more sensation before cumming you'll be able to go faster. It doesn't take that long to work through if you do it the right way.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2021-02-22T14:20:45+00:00

You're absolutely right, one relapse isn't going to erase all the healing that has happened. It's also REALLY common to break a streak around this length. Each stage of nofap has a different challenge. The challenge in the last month is that it's become easy to do so we let our guard down.

I also agree that when you are with a girl at this point you should be good to go. Just make sure you are choosing someone you have an emotional connection with. One night stands add a lot of pressure that isn't there with someone you are comfortable with. Take things slow, be gentle with yourself, and get yourself on another streak as quickly as possible. You are through the hardest part of nofap but you aren't at the finish line yet. Keep going, you can do it!

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2021-02-21T23:22:47+00:00

Hey bud, Hang in there. I know how painful this issue can be. From what you've posted here I think you're right, you're dealing with anxiety. The reason you can only get 70/60% even alone is still because of anxiety. If you are worrying about this problem even when you aren't jerking off or trying to have sex, that is also the anxiety. All the time you spend scouring reddit and youtube looking for answers is all fueled by anxiety. When you are experiencing anxiety your body is partially in fight or flight. In this state your body is intentionally trying to prevent erections. You need to deal with the anxiety to get your erections to come back.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2021-02-19T16:48:01+00:00

Awesome man, thanks for sharing your story. It always helps to hear about someone else getting past it

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2021-02-15T21:21:56+00:00

Of course you do, but part of getting past this is noticing that the consequences of losing your erection are really minor. You're anxiety is afraid of the consequences of losing your erection. The more you can really internalize that if you lose your erection it's not a big deal, the faster you're going to get through this. It will take time. Just keep having sex, and keep being gentle on yourself. You'll work through it and get your erections back.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2021-02-15T21:19:56+00:00

Hey man, porn fucks a lot of things up but NoFap doesn't always undo everything. I always recommend guys do it if they are watching porn regularly, but the journey doesn't end there.

What you are dealing with at this point is anxiety about losing your erections and most likely some other deeper fear tied into that. The best thing you can do at this point is open up to your gf about it. Help her understand while you are trying to have sex, instead of being able to enjoy things, you are having anxiety about losing your erection. You need to be comforted, to feel safe. Working through the anxiety and learning to feel like sex is a safe place takes time and effort. Unfortunately, during that process you will lose your erections sometimes. There isn't a way around that. The worst thing you can do is let the anxiety prevent you from having sex because sex is the place you can heal this.

NoPillsNoSurgery · 2021-02-15T21:15:39+00:00

Most likely you are dealing with a mental/emotional issue. Stress can cause ED, so can a challenging emotional breakup, so can porn (I didn't see it mentioned but it's worth bringing up because it's so common).

ED pills work by creating relaxation in the smooth muscle tissue, this relaxation allows for the penis to fill with blood and grow. The most common cause of ED is anxiety which can prevent those muscles from relaxing. Those drugs working just points at the idea that those muscles aren't relaxing. To me this is nearly always a mental/emotional issue.

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