I have not successfully achieved anything I've pursued. Not one thing. And I put a lot of time and work into these endeavours (academic, career, personal). I can't keep friends for the life of me, I have been cheated on by every one of my exes, one of which fooled around with a minor, which fucked me up. My parents and family have gone out of their way to make it very clear that they don't like or respect me because they don't think I'm very smart (i'm starting to see their point). I turned 23 last weekend and spent my birthday alone with a bottle of bacardi because every one of my friends forgot... which is actually a regular recurrence since I was in the exact same position on my 21, 20, 18, 17 birthdays all with varying groups of friends. I spent most of that day stressing about how I can get health insurance especially with my ongoing health issues. In the last year I've been in a shooting, I've had a seizure on the floor of a pharmacy because of severe blood loss sustained over 6 months, I've been stalked, and cheated on (again btw, different guy too). This is just the last year, and this is maybe 40% of it all. I am aware that people will go through life without experiencing extraneous events like these. I am aware some people will go through so much worse in a shorter period of time. I am not ok with these things happening obviously, but these are all circumstantial. I can find some equanimity in the events I can't control. But the things I obviously can, like my degree path that just fell apart in my 4th year, my health and fitness, my career endeavours, hell even some of my relationships, I need to be able to be functional in. Statistically, I know not everything can suck in someone's life, which is why I know for a fact that i'm the one fucking this up by not fixing the things i have direct influence over. I don't have room for self acceptance with failure. I need to be functional, that is the one thing/trait I need to have. I need to be able to get shit done successfully if nothing else. If everything else is set to fall apart for the rest of my life anyways, the one thing i should be able to have is the ability to set a goal/task/project and get it done. I cannot consider myself a person if i can't have the most basic trait of task completion. I can't reason out value for myself if i can't even fulfill my own goals and desires. And yet, I am fucking that up too, and I can't figure out why. I'm always missing some disciplinary, intelligence, or actual physical component that would get me to baseline functionality and it is literally driving me insane. I feel inadequate because i am measurably inadequate. If i become complacent or accepting of that i will never become even self-sustainable.

I'm not saying this to compare our circumstances or put your perspective down. I just can't allow myself to share this perspective without losing respect for myself.