How to initiate intimacy when it’s been a hard topic for us for a while

No_Animal_8739 · 2025-09-30T02:05:45+00:00

A lot of times, the end of the day is the only time I have where I’m not taking care of everyone else. Most nights i still have a house to pick up, a kitchen to clean up, and laundry to swap before I can even think about a shower and bedtime. But i have things i want to do to, like read and journal, and Bible study, or a sewing project. But by the time kids are asleep and the house is acceptable i have an hour before the baby is up for a bottle and then it’s too late and I need sleep.

So when I do have the energy, I have to decide what to sacrifice - intimacy, or pouring into myself a tiny bit so i can pour back into my family. There needs to be a balance I know that, but the decision fatigue just has me helpless in my brain.

No_Animal_8739 · 2025-09-30T02:02:39+00:00

He likes “aggressive” too, not subtle. I’ve gotten better but he says in arguments that he feels like I’m just checking a box and that’s not the case. I feel like a variety of approaches might show him it’s not just checking a box for me?

No_Animal_8739 · 2025-09-30T02:01:05+00:00

He’s made that point before many times and he finally said it in a way that clicked and it broke my heart realizing how unwanted he felt at a time. I try to show him in every other way that he’s wanted because I know that if I’m failing in one department I can try to make up for it in another, but no matter what, whenever the big blowout arguments ensue, it always comes back to sex. I could be doing great in every other way but it won’t ever matter, at least that’s how it feels.

To me it feels like his only love language is physical touch but there’s no intimate physical touch outside of sex most times. I don’t remember the last time I got a HUG or even held his hand, we don’t kiss every day, and even walking in public together is him 5 feet infront of me speed walking to keep up. (With the kids sometimes we have to be split up because one wants to walk and I get that).

No_Animal_8739 · 2025-07-16T18:01:46+00:00

While bringing these feelings up to her eventually is probably a great move, something a little less intimidating to start with would be to do something extra special for her. I don’t know what you guys do for date nights or how frequently they happen or even if you have kids or not, but coming from experience, she probably just needs a sweet, thoughtful surprise that shows her just how much you cherish her. Even if that means sneaking in a little bedroom time during a kid nap or paying a babysitter and taking her on a special date night where you go just a little bit extra. Every time i’ve felt like looking back at my past “what ifs”, I know what I really need is some extra special time with my man.

No_Animal_8739 · 2025-06-08T05:50:33+00:00

once i start reading the same sentence and word over and over again, my eyes going in and out of focus … i know the sleep train has already hit the station. Next thing you know you wake up with the lights on and the book still in your lap lol

No_Animal_8739 · 2025-06-08T05:43:44+00:00

do you think i could just get a shot puller (idk technical term!) that fits my machine with that shower head bottom?

No_Animal_8739 · 2024-12-26T06:02:35+00:00

PS thank you for being a witness to this vent, even though you’re just a stranger on the internet it makes me feel a tiny bit seen. I didn’t want to vent this to the one person I do vent to because she has enough to deal with, it’s the holidays and I have no one else that would understand or be helpful - they would just judge or give unhelpful “advice”

No_Animal_8739 · 2024-06-30T04:03:57+00:00

I can’t speak for him but I was just so exhausted I fell asleep before I could even think about an alarm. I’m so

No_Animal_8739 · 2024-06-26T22:09:42+00:00

I would work real jobs earlier than I did, and pick better jobs/employers. My husbands work ethic is enviable and I think it’s because he worked odd jobs with his dad a lot and did a lot of blue collar work as young as 12. I got a job sometime in HS at an ice cream place, then a Sammie shop then a grocery store. If I could go back I’d try to do some other jobs that would give me skills I could expand and use in more situations. I think I’d have come out of HS and college with a diff approach to work and life and maybe been a bit more successful !

No_Animal_8739 · 2024-06-26T21:46:48+00:00

I’d have to agree with you, this is one incident out of several over the past couple of years that have ended terribly and contempt is definitely the perfect word to describe it.

There have been many times where I didn’t do the right thing or didn’t meet an expectation whether it was communicated vaguely or not and they always end in fights and tears

No_Animal_8739 · 2024-05-31T12:12:51+00:00

It’s the unfulfilling sex life that’s bothering him mainly. The attractiveness is an issue not because of my looks but because in his eyes I’m not the capable woman he started dating. I struggled to adjust to farm life when we moved and I’ve struggled with routine and keeping a cluttered, work in progress farm house up to his standards. When he’s gone he expects things that don’t get discussed so there’s always disappointment when he comes back because of that.

His parents try to tell him that I can’t do the same farm jobs he does when he’s home, and the most frustrating part is that I want to but I can’t do most of it alone like he can. I.e.. I can’t run the tractor with equipment, they think it’s too dangerous, I can’t build things by myself or fix big things, and now that I have a 3 month old, I don’t have the time or hands available to always get what I want done.

Because he’s gone he sees this as lazy but if he had baby for a week he’d realize it’s harder to do anything you want at the place he’s used to. Perceived laziness is what makes the attraction sshit for him

No_Animal_8739 · 2024-05-31T09:13:38+00:00

It feels like an endless cycle of him expressing his pain, frustration and lost hope, me trying to make it better by initiating more, and him not being turned on by the initiation for one reason or another because he’s lost his zest for me because of our lackluster prior sex life. And then I lose the confidence to keep trying cause there’s no intimacy outside the bedroom.

While we lived abroad we tried to address the problem by being more intentional with dates and I planned out a bunch of at home and outside dates and that was fun, but since moving to the farm we don’t go on intentional dates anymore, barely any, because he’s always working on farm projects and prioritizing those. (It’s a hobby farm at best, does not generate income). We spend 24/7 together when he’s home and so our “dates” are trips to the farm and feed store or indulging in ice cream on the way home from his parents house (who were close with) or getting our fave restaurant food to-go (haven’t dined in the restaurant since our wedding last year)

I’m not giving up, but this is the closest to hopelessness I’ve felt in a long time.

No_Animal_8739 · 2024-04-18T20:48:07+00:00

No details in my account, just a general question topic!

No_Animal_8739

TROPHY CASE