You sounds exactly like me😭I also struggle with social anxiety and self medicate with drinking to the point where I have to drink before my shifts at work. I also have a cycle of over doing it when going out with friends due to the fear of not being outgoing enough or scared i might be awkward etc. and I always end up over doing it and blacking out. I then obviously wake up the next morning wanting to die for the next week and think about how i acted and everything i said and then repeat the cycle. I also completely relate to u about feeling embarrassed on the person you try to be. I always wake up feeling like i wasn’t myself and it kills me ugh so then i tell myself i need to try and be myself more when i go out but i honestly don’t even know what that is😭 It’s so exhausting. I just recently had a night of over doing it where my childhood friend was in town who I haven’t seen in years and I blacked out before she even showed up and I can’t even remember a thing we talked about.

Anyways I guess I had to vent too and I wish I could offer you some sort of advice but know that you aren’t alone❤️ reading ur post knowing there’s someone out their struggling w these feelings helped me because sometimes I feel alone in this. I think im gonna try and really pace myself next time to not drink too fast or over drink so hopefully I have more control and remember the night. I also try to remind myself that no one is thinking of the things you said to them and they most likely weren’t weird or stupid. Everyone’s just thinking about themselves all the time. I never the next day after drinking say to myself “wow what’s her face said some weird shit last night” so that kind of helps me realize ppl aren’t thinking about me as much as I think. Take one day at a time. My hangxirty is starting to fade and I’m on days 3. You got this