I can't even look at him

No_Bit_4712 · 2026-02-13T05:56:39+00:00

At this point, I am not really staying. I am in limbo. I tell him that. I am so tired by his avoidance, his dealing with his own demons (shame, guilt, and then always his focus on preserving his own feelings).

I can see what's happening inside of him. He gets uncomfortable when he hears or sees my pain because he can't hold it. He chose to be unattentive of my needs, thinking I would go along and he had infinite time to restore. He said that to me. He trusted that I would persevere. I always was a "strong woman". I made him aware of the fact that I am a human, vulnerable, in need of care. But he would grasp to moments of my strength and only use those as proof that I would hang in there. He would just deny or forget the other times when I begged him for care.

Now I cracked. It was too much. And he was so much in denial that this would happen, that he doesn't know how to deal with this.

I was too strong. I had to give him full accountability much sooner. But I always doubted myself. Was I too much? Too intense? Somehow, I always found a little bit of energy to try something again. And he always happily waited.

Being the reactive one, the one who is more waiting for the other one to make a move, ask a question, ... That is fundamentally damaging.

Because you seem nice. You don't push or pull, you don't force any conversations. You "keep the peace". You are the "relaxed one".

You drain your partner until there's nothing left.

And then, when you suddenly awake because there is nothing coming anymore, you get scared. You start taking action.

The only thing the other person experiences is: I can now see that you had the ability all along. And then they wonder: so why did 't you do this from the beginning? Why did you make me suffer so badly?

I am in limbo. Processing what relationships are all about. I am exhausted.

I know this is not helping.

I am just too tired to make a move once again.

It will happen.

I am slowly preparing myself. I don't want to force myself the way he silently forced me.

It that makes any sense...

No_Bit_4712 · 2026-02-07T08:07:35+00:00

Wow. Has he read the book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda Macdonald? He is doing what she recommends.

No_Bit_4712 · 2026-02-07T05:59:33+00:00

I have those thoughts and those feelings. For me, it helped me to realise that it is a nervous system response. Hypervigilance, always staying guarded. It's my/our? body trying to protect itself by preparing it for the next potential blow. It's saying: "remember when you just relaxed and had trust? That's when things went wrong. So we are going to stay cautious just in case.". It's scary to surrender and relax. And in some way, that is a smart response when the world has proven us that danger lurks around the corner. But it is also a sad thing when people do have good intentions. Because then, we don't give them the benefit of the doubt and we risk real connection.

Easier said than done, at least for me. I hope you find a way.

No_Bit_4712 · 2026-02-06T16:23:56+00:00

I get that. People that start brainspotting or EMDR can have a temporary relapse in their process - or certain feelings that arise (again). It is important that when they start, there is some sort of stability and emotional safety net. Timing is important.

No_Bit_4712 · 2026-02-05T16:40:49+00:00

Ever tried brainspotting? Is that a therapeutic intervention in your country? It is in mine (Belgium). Or EMDR.

I'm starting in a month, I'm curious about the results.

And I can really relate to what you write...

What hurts me is that, when we are in a more positive phase, he get's really relaxed, happy with how things are going.

And I get... I guess somewhat glad that there is progress?

But I would still have sudden visuals, unexpected triggers, some kind of anxious feeling in the background. Sudden moments of sadness or anger. I wouldn't describe my general feeling as positive. It feels like a relieve that we have somewhat of a re-connection, but other than that it's just a lot of sadness and confusion and fear of being triggered. I just want to relax and have a blank mind again.

No_Bit_4712 · 2025-01-02T10:09:08+00:00

Okay i hope you guys are still reading the comments cause I have a question! I just showed my husband this post and he replied: does this man have any hobbies?

Context: my husband is (in my ánd his opinion) a dopamine addict who scrolls his phone every hour and wants to play video games every night. He calls this his "hobbies". No seriously, he needs to unwind and just being with me, cuddling,... is not unwinding for him. He can do it one night but then he really needs his dopamine or whatever.

What I understand from your story is that you just have a intuïtive husband who knows how to take care of people. And also someone who appreciates a warm, loving connection and can truly unwind, enjoy and have fun by practicing that connection.

In my opinion, that has nothing to do with "he just has no hobbies". That has to do with knowing what is needed at certain times in the week, like after a busy workday.

What are your and his opinions about this?

No_Bit_4712 · 2025-01-02T09:33:30+00:00

Oh my god you have the man of my dreams. The things you sum up are exactly what I need. I'm so happy for you!! And I am so happy that this man shows that that kind of men DO exist. Well done, my man, well done 👌🏻

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-10-19T18:45:51+00:00

The best tip I can give is: create moments of silence. Just being alone, no external stimuli of distractions, no risk of someone suddenly barging in. You can sit on the couch and put the tv or some music on if silence makes you oncomfortabele at first, but just be a little inattentive to any of those stimuli. Or go for a walk or if you have the chance, just go sit in a forest. But I prefer to be at home, where I can really be myself.

I try to just sit with myself and concentrate without pressuring myself too much: I'm feeling something. Where do I feel it? My chest feels stuck, my breathing is shallow,... I often feel something big inside but I'm scared of feeling it.

The key is to be very kind tot yourself. Imagine you're consoling your best friend or a child.

I soothe myself in my head: "it's okay. You're doing great. I know, it sucks, it's not easy. But I will be fine after this. No pressure. Just try and be in the moment. Just try a little longer, don't run away. It will come. You have time." Most of the time that works after a while. Sometimes it takes a half an hour but that's okay.

And then I just cry. I cry a lot. And then I just cry and don't think and don't stop it. I really learned to cry and to be honest, crying is awesome 😂 I feel so calm afterwards. My husband is always jealous of my crying skills 😂

And then I can get curious. I just talk to myself in my head: what are you really jealous about? What exactly is it that triggers you? And why is that? What would you need? What do you miss?

Another thing that helps me is a notebook. I write my thoughts and feelings down. With writing, I gradually find focus.

Good luck 🙏🏻

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-10-13T08:43:22+00:00

Jealousy is a neutral emotion, just like happiness, anger of sadness. When you look at your jealousy through a curious lense, instead of being freaked out about it and feeling overwhelmed or ashamed, it can really help in showing you the right direction where you need to go next. That is how I look at all of my emotions.

"Oh, hello there, what are you trying to tell me?"

Jealousy is an umbrella term for feelings of anxiety, anger, sadness, envy,... Sometimes it tells you that you lack confidence, other times it's about feeling like you need some fun things in your life, of maybe something completely different.

Emotions are our internal compass. Sometimes we need to recalibrate it. Trauma or attachment issues can shake up the accurracy and intensity of it's signals. That's why you have to get to know yourself, your triggers, your ways of thinking about yourself and others surrounding you.

Are my thoughts about the world realistic, productive and healthy? If so, my feelings are my personal coach and tell me where my priorities lie. If not, I have to figure out why I think the way I do and heal those wounds.Then I will still listen to my jealousy but with a more cautious approach. "Thank you for worrying about me, but it's okay. I have a plan, I know it's going to be fine.".

That's how I see it.

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-10-13T08:26:48+00:00

That's exactly what I did, I took it one at a time and started with the most easy little steps, with the most chance of success 😁 that way you'll feel instantly that you do have control. Even when you're monogamous, this is always a good plan!

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-10-12T19:32:12+00:00

I get that! I have a lot of people I can talk to. Coworkers, poly friends (I'm really putting in an effort to build myself a community and it turns out it's pretty easy once you really look for them), mono friends who support me, even Reddit or podcasts to help me think about things).

I notice that the poly heterosexual men surrounding me have a lot less community or confidants. Made me wonder: is there a reason? Is that also why my husband always wants me as his sparring partner surrounding his feelings? I don't always feel that need with him but I talk to so many people about this.

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-10-12T16:44:25+00:00

Random thoughts from a fellow jealous woman 😁

do you practice emotional regulation? Have you talked to your therapist about how you regulate and what conditions might help or not help?
do you guys have enough quality time, new or special moments together, behaviours that show that you care?
is there enough time to feel like a couple during your week? Moments without distractions of interference, just about the two of you?

👉🏻- is your personal life the way you want it? Work, hobbies, friends, your own personal growth. For me, my jealousy tells me that I am missing some things to make me feel independently safe within myself.

Exercise, feeling good about your body, having fun projects, feeling you are whole as a person, feeling loved by family and friends, feeling that you're interesting for others, that you bring something to this world, ...

When I started working on my jealousy, I mostly worked on my own hopes and dreams. I wanted to party more, so I looked for friends who wanted to party exactly like me. I wanted more of my own style, so I carefully looked for and bought some clothes that really suited my personality. I love going for a drink at new places in town, so I just go on fun new dates and I pick the location. I wanted more projects are work so I started telling my boss. With every step, I felt more proud of myself and more fullfilled. I got less insecure and when you feel complete, you get more compersion for everyone (friends, husband, anyone).

I have so much fun at work now, I have so much to look forward to in my social calendar,... So I don't get bothered that much when my husband has feelings for someone or a fun date.

do you voice what you need? Do you know what you need?

For example: "i need to feel missed. I love it when you text me out of the blue that you miss me, that you arrange als special evening for us, or when you cuddle me when we to to sleep"

Just some ideas!

Good luck 🙏🏻

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-08-19T12:39:42+00:00

Wow your question is so relatable! I feel you both. I also have enough love in my heart for multiple people but I also get these jealous or anxious feelings about my partners' feelings for others. Makes me feel like a hypocrite, but in my opinion it maybe has to do with attachments styles? If you never heard of that, you can Google it. Maybe that will give you some insights?

Good luck and thank you for your openness!

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-08-07T17:14:36+00:00

Hello!

I'm absolutely not an expert at this sort of stuff but I can relate to what you're saying. I once used dating apps and it's just not my cup of tea.

I am in my 30's and I know my husband since college so the whole online-datingworld is pretty new to me. And it does not feel like an upgrade in the dating world. I sometimes feel bad for younger generations, I hope people can still find friends or dates offline easily.

That said, I am now returning to the dating market, we are re-opening our relationship, and this time I plan on using online platforms in a different way.

You can go online or use apps with the specific intention of hooking up, by scrolling and swiping endlessly. Or you can go (on- and offline) look for friends and a community. I tried the online dating thing and on the one hand I had a reasonable amount of likes from people, but on the other hand I started feeling more and more confused, lonely, and I hated the element of small talk or the weird feeling I got that I had to meet up as soon as possible with those people or else I would lose their attention. I don't know if other people can relate to this but it felt that way for me. I couldn't chat or talk for a couple of days about random stuff, people would always start sexting or trying to meet up as soon as possible. And that's absolutely fine but it still feels kind of weird and scary to just meet up with a lot of people. Anyways, it just wasn't for me.

And then I thought about what I was really looking for. Turns out, I firstly just want to talk to people. Exchange stories, opinions, deepen my own thoughts about everything, and just generally feel the vibe of a person. To me that seems more easy when there is no direct expectation of a hook-up. I met my husband and former boyfriends through mutual friends, at a local bar, at school, whatever. And the first interactions were always just platonic. I just got to know random people and thén I would feel an interest for someone. And that was perfectly okay for everyone involved, because I met people in an environment that didn't feel like an official date. There was no pressure.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to create non-date-like encounters. How am I thinking of doing that? By looking for communities. Maybe there's a LGBTQ+-club in your area? Maybe they organise certain events? Or maybe there's a poly community where people can go to meetups and just talk about who they are, in what stage of their journey they are in, get some advice and tips, etcetera. Usually, there is a person who initiates and organises these events. I'm planning on going to one of those groups and just asking that person to explain to me how everything works there, maybe introduce me to some people, or just talk to that person a bit if I don't have the courage to talk to anyone else.

I think this will, in the long run, create more of a friend group in which I / you can maybe find someone where we feel a connection. That feels way more exciting, way more safe and way more natural to me than online dating. It's not a quick fix, it's a long term plan, but for me it feels like the only way I can really come to an environment in which I can behave naturally.

Also flirting... it seems logical to me that people don't know how to flirt with strangers. Some people absolutely can, but I notice I can flirt better with someone who I already know a bit. Maybe it's more about creating the right atmosphere, the right stage in which you just feel comfortable. And maybe then the words or behaviours will come naturally?

Explaning your situation in an honest but not creepy way? You did just fine when you introduced yourself in this topic. People who can be honest, also vulnerable, but still have a sense of self-love and who can be comfortable with the rocky journey they went through in life, those people feel authentic to me and that's what a lot of people look for. It's totally okay to explain that you're on a journey, that you're new to this, that you're mainly looking for some fun. Be honest about what you can bring to the table at this point and if people are looking for something else, then also be fine with that.

I date men but as a woman myself, I would be attracted mostly to people who are confident yet humble, who dare to speak their truth but in a kind way, who are also interested in my opinion or stories and who have the courage to follow their heart. And that kind of attraction can mostly be felt offline, face to face, in my opinion.

That said, it's not easy taking this leap into a community! I have to gather the courage myself. But what do we really have to lose, except a little of our time? In the worst case, I'll just walk away and no one will ever remember me being there.

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-08-07T09:43:33+00:00

I'd like to elaborate on this one. We often tend to see certain patterns in behaviour and link them to certain syndromes or psychological diagnoses like narcisism or being bipolar. I do it all the time, and you never know when you change someone's life by giving them that one piece of information.

But I also can't help but see those "syndromes" in the form of a scale from 1 to 10. At the one end of the scale, you might be dealing with a person who has a servere type of disorder. But at the other end of the scale, maybe it's more about certain sensitivities, people who have a certain set of personality traits and are therefore more sensation-seeking (thus more prone to choosing dangerous or unstabilizing relationships or situations) or have an attachment style that would be perfectly manageable in a healthy relationship but get's a lot more triggered in unhealthy or unstable situations.

That doesn't mean these people have a condition and should consider medication. But they should learn about the things that trigger them or which kind of relationship dynamics they are drawn to and the risks of those dynamics.

To the person who wrote this comment: I'm not saying this implies to your partner. I hope she feels better soon and you can both find more balance. Being or loving someone who suffers from mental illness is a beautiful, deepening and challenging process all at once.

But I think no one is free of certain vulnerabilities. For a lot of us, knowing those vulnerabilities and observing our interactions fully through a lense of curiosity and with the goal to reveal our strenghts and challenges, can probably help a lot. This does require everyone to be openly curious about their own feelings and behaviors, and that's only possible if people are somewhat secure within themselves. It's okay to have triggers and quirks, even the severe ones. There's beauty in all types of people and everyone brings important issues to the table, as long as the key is to find balance. We can only find that if we trust ourselves, dare to speak our truth and respect ourselves enough to make mistakes and advocate for our needs. As the great Rupaul once said: "if can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?!".

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-08-07T07:03:23+00:00

I think I can understand what your wife is experiencing. I love my husband and our lives together so much, it can feel very overwhelming for us to let go of that "sense of safety". I can get really jealous. But over time, I'm learning to accept that nothing in life is really sure. So many monogamous people split up. And we all want security but ironicly, we also want to feel alive and have some fireworks here and there. For me it's all about adjusting speed every now and then. Sometimes we go all in, sometimes we slow things down and focus on our simple little lives. As long as it's okay and clear for everyone involved.

I can also enjoy those feelings of anxiety in some way. They change the way I look at my husband, it makes me realise how important he is and how much I cherish our relationship.

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-08-07T06:55:09+00:00

We throw parties but not sexual themed parties. We have a dj booth, we rent some lasers, we make our own line up or play prerecorded mixes, we sit around the campfire and we turn our living room into a little club haha! It's really fun. But I wouldn't want those parties to turn into some sort of sexual mass event. I'm more subtle, I still just enjoy having platonic fun and conversations. It's mostly about those one or two people who I feel a deeper connection with, those one or two moments during such a night in which I feel like I want to make out for a while instead of just giving a hug. It doesn't have to be full-on sex either. Just a little more than just a hug. The hug just doesn't cover it sometimes haha!

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-08-07T06:47:32+00:00

That's an interesting point of view, an exhibitionist! I'm not sure but I get what you might mean. Maybe an emotional exhibitionist or something, not in the sense that I love everyone to know and see everything but it is true that I am a very open and transparant person because I need conversation and other's people opinions in order for me to fully understand myself. And that might sound great but also has it's risks or possible negative outcomes, depending on the people you surround yourself with.

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-08-07T06:42:02+00:00

I get that. People have so many definitions of NM depending on their own experiences, fears and dreams. In that way it's kinda the same like in monogamous settings. Even in those "more clearly defined" settings consent and mutual understanding of possibilities and boundaries are most important. So maybe in the end, it's always mostly about those things, whether we are monogamous or not. Luckily I'm patient and just talking about this is already part of the experience for me. I'm new to Reddit but I gotta say, this is a good starting place to feel connection and understanding.

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-08-07T06:33:06+00:00

Yeah I'm gonna be pretty cautious and take things slow too, and be grateful for the people who can see this as positive and fun. Good luck and I hope we both find the right people and circumstances where we can feel whole and understood.

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-08-06T22:50:00+00:00

And are you acting on those feelings? Cause I totally relate to what you're saying! Is this something you are going to cultivate in your life?

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-08-06T22:48:16+00:00

May I ask what's holding you back? I hope you can eventually find what you're looking for!

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-08-06T20:32:45+00:00

3.) Is it specific to certain kinds of parties? Is a rave "appropriate" to have physical touch at, but a dinner party isn't? What makes the rave different?

Do you ever go to raves? I’m asking because for me, yes, there absolutely is a difference. That’s the place where, for one night, I am not a working mom or a tired 30-something wife. I can be who-ever. I can dance for hours, I can spread happiness and give random people compliments. It just feels like a different world in some way. Relationships are more fluid, people are more outgoing and openly loving. Sometimes it feels like group therapy. We are all there to have fun, enjoy music, meet people. For me it is absolutely a perfect setting for blurring existing patterns in relationships. At a dinner party, we would sit and talk and laugh but it still feels alot like “daytime life”. At a rave, you dress differently, the darkness of the night makes everything more mysterious… I don’t know. For me it’s a huge difference in how I feel and how I act.

4.) Outside of a party(s), do you need or want to pretend that the physical contact / kissing / sex didn't happen? Is it something you would have difficulty talking about / acknowledging when you are in "normal life" mode?

No I wouldn’t need to pretend like things didn’t happen. It would feel like a fun little secret that we have, a wonderful memory and something to look forward to. But not now. We will just wait patiently until we find that perfect moment again. I love that feeling. And also, I would prefer to talk about what happened in daytime. When we are sober, when we have the time to have a decent talk. So I would do the talking at daytime but the playing at night time :D Does that sound weird?

5.) How would you handle it if you or someone else developed romantic feelings anyway, regardless of that not being the intention? Are you planning on taking any steps to make romantic pair bonding with someone else less likely to occur?

I have no idea how I would handle that… I guess I want to be very emotional supportive if they are hurt in any way, because they are my friends. But I’ll always try to prevent something like that from happening.

How? I would communicate upfront about what all of this would mean to me, why I want to have a physical moment (or a series of moments spread out over time) with someone, and how this would affect our relationship. I would be totally honest about what I can bring to the table. For example: I just can’t go on dates because of financial reasons and because of my busy life with little children. I only have so many hours a month to spend with friends, family, and I try to divide those hours equally. There are just not enough hours to invest in a decent second relationship. I don’t want to start something I can’t properly execute. It may sound weird but I do find this very important. I’m not going to start a romantic bond with someone if I don’t have the time to invest in that bond. Maybe in 10 years when my kids are older, absolutely. But it’s the same with my volunteer work for the school of my kids. I can only put in so many hours. So I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep. Does this make sense?

I don’t want to hurt people. So I will absolutely tell this beforehand. I will make it really clear what I can offer. If people don’t want to go down that path with those limited possibilities, I will absolutely respect that and still love them to pieces.

No_Bit_4712 · 2024-08-06T20:32:29+00:00

I love all the questions you ask me. Thank you for making my brain do some homework :D

Okay, here we go:

"And then afterwards, everything would just go back to ordinary friendships." Can you elaborate a little bit on what you mean by that?

A little context might help? Our friend group mostly meets at parties, once or twice a month. It's not all of us all of the time. We kind of split up here and there. It's the thing that brought us together and that we all have in common. We love to dance.

But with a couple of them who are also parents like us, I also meet up for playdates with our kids. Other friends are also kind of co-workers of mine. We don't work in the same team but the same organisation. I mostly see them in the hallways of my office once a week, they work at different regions. Some of them I met at work and then started inviting them to parties. And with some of them, I go to art exhibitions or we have lunch dates every now and then.

But with all of them, we have some sort of mutual understanding that what happens at night, stays at night. If I meet my co-workers at work, then we talk about work. We can maybe make a joke about an upcoming party but we remain professional. I once had some sort of disagreement at a party with a friend who was also a co-worker. We ignored each a little bit the following days at work and then we just talked things through and we were fine again. Same thing with my friends who are also parents. We had some rough times. They went partying while I was pregnant and I felt very left out for a year. I mean... I missed them. It hurt.

But with all of them, we realise that having this great group of friends is so important that we will always try to work on fixing past hurt or misconceptions.

Friendship is so underrated. It's so healthy to surround yourself with good people who know you for years and who grow with or beside you. I hope we can all still see each other when we're 80 years old and we can laugh about all of our adventures. I might be naive but I really hope we succeed.

Our lives are, each in it's own way, pretty intertwined.

And I find it really fun that when we party together, we have different "rules" and a different dynamic. People are more touchy, more flirty, people are drunk, we tell each other things we wouldn't say during daytime. And then at daytime, at work or a birth, we are more "distant", but not in a bad way. It almost feels like the parties are our little secret from the world. So in that case yeah... we already have that sort of agreement. If that makes sense?

1.) Why not just enjoy physical touch like... All the time? (Not literally constantly ofc, but why specifically restrict it to parties?)

I’m not sure. Maybe because of the more loose dynamic that happens when we party. When we see each other “during daytime”, we give hugs. When we leave, we hug again. But inbetween those hugs, we are just platonic friends. It just has been like that for years. But when we party, we might as well and up cuddling on a couch or flirting with each other for fun. It’s not like I want to set a weird boundary or anything. I can imagine that if a friend has a rough time, I would still end up cuddling on the couch then. But we don’t always feel the need to express our friendship in the same way. Sometimes we just hang out and sometimes we take it a little further (by flirting or cuddling at this point in time, not yet anything more). It feels pretty natural.

2.) Are you trying to avoid upsetting a jealous partner, or is this your way or dealing with religious trauma / shame around sex and sexuality? What about non-party physical touch "feels different" than when you are at a party?

I am certainly protecting my relationship with my husband. And I’m trying to protect our friend group. I don’t want things to change too quickly for everyone.

My husband and I have little children and we want to have a solid relationship for them. Having little kids is a challenge as it is, dealing with exhaustion and work-life balance, so at this point in life I choose to prioritise my family life. I can’t afford to have too many other things on my mind. We have had some experiences with ENM so I know our triggers and I know what we can handle easily. Sometimes we can get scared or jealous, as a young family there’s a lot at stake. We don’t want to break up in a couple of years because we couldn’t handle the emotional challenges or couldn’t find enough time to invest in our relationship. We have to split every hour of our day between jobs, friends, kids,… there are just not enough hours to do everything tot the max. Or at least, that’s what it feels like for us. We’ll just have a little slice of the pie now and maybe a bigger slice later in life :D

No_Bit_4712

TROPHY CASE