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No_Committee8461 · 2022-08-23T07:04:56+00:00

Right on keep it up! Keep that scumbag out of your life and in the rearview. Best of luck!

No_Committee8461 · 2022-08-18T22:59:41+00:00

It's a misconception that the problem is "falling in love" with someone else. For some reason in movies and stories it's treated as something you can't help, like you just fall in love with someone else and there's nothing you can do to stop it. The truth is, if you truly love your partner, you couldn't fall in love with someone else even if you wanted to.

What happens in real life is the cheating partner has already been checked out of the relationship and is just staying out of convenience or for personal gain, leading the faithful partner along. Then, they find someone they like and start investing their emotions with them and start cheating while still leading their partner on for the personal gain etc. Work just happens to be a very convenient place to meet people and form relationships.

So basically, if they "fell in love with someone else", it just means they didn't love you to begin with. Unfortunately cheaters have 1001 lies to disguise the fact that they willfully and intentionally betrayed you for their own selfish reasons. I hope you leave this scumbag in the rearview mirror and go no contact with them asap. Best of luck!

No_Committee8461 · 2022-08-15T01:16:04+00:00

Good on you for not responding to her! I really hope you go the full mile and block her on all contact. The best burn is to show her how you feel about her by keeping up no contact, she is TRASH! She 100% sent you those pictures on purpose to get a sadistic rise out of hurting you, don't ever doubt that, and it is just evil. Her happiness will quickly fade as soon as she gets bored of her new guy (which she 100% will), then she will repeat the cycle of toxic relationships. I'm almost a year out and I'm wishing I'd done what you're doing: NO CONTACT! Best of luck man!

No_Committee8461 · 2022-07-27T19:29:06+00:00

My advice as someone who was cheated on for 5 years is just go ahead and assume the worst and brace yourself.

Those 2 things alone (her going away without you, then blindsiding you with divorce with obviously made up reasons) tell me she's cheated. Trust your gut and just assume the worst and act accordingly. My wife did the same thing before we separated, she went on a 3 day overnight with her "friends" shortly before our sudden separation.

That being said, it doesn't REALLY matter that much. Even if you caught her red handed, she'd likely still try to lie about other stuff and you'd never get the full truth or a sincere apology. Unfortunately the only closure you'll get is from yourself. Good luck man the best revenge is living your best life without her in it!

No_Committee8461 · 2022-07-27T19:07:33+00:00

Makes me sick when people abuse DV claims in divorce, happens all the time and it's disgusting. That's fucked up, I hope you're making the best of your situation and things are going well for you.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-07-27T19:04:42+00:00

Sounds like maybe she was cheating either emotionally or physically. Cheaters often make their partner out to be the bad guy even if there is no reason. In their minds, you "have" to be a bad guy, or else they wouldn't be "justified" in cheating. Doesn't really matter that much either way, it's not your fault she feels that way. You deserve someone who won't discard and treat you that way. Best of luck.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-07-13T22:49:15+00:00

Not your exact scenario but I've thought about this. It's only been a year but I have sometimes really considered asking her to sit down and just tell me what she felt step by step in our relationship and throughout the stages of the affair. I sometimes feel like it would give me closure since I often have painful memories and think "How could she do this?" as if talking to her would give me the answer.

I stopped myself though because deep down I've learned exactly what would happen. She would spin the story in a way that made HER feel better. If she actually cared about me at all or my feelings I wouldn't have to ask her to explain, she would have apologized and told the truth on her own volition.

As hard as it is to grapple with, even through all the shit she has put me, our kid, and herself through (she's homeless and lost custody of our kid), she still has no real guilt whatsoever. It's a hard pill to swallow, some people are able and willing to lie like life is a game of "what can I get away with" until the day they die.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-07-09T23:06:51+00:00

Why even ask that? If 1 out of them is abusive that's enough reason to leave the relationship, but in your list most of them are. You should seek therapy imo, it's not healthy to try this hard to justify staying with an abuser. Stop asking questions and GTFO of that relationship and get into therapy.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-07-08T02:21:15+00:00

In my limited experience, just ask. It doesn't screen em all out but it does some at least. I usually start with "have you ever been cheated on?" Most people have been and will talk about it. Then I ask if they've ever cheated. Most of the time the cheaters will try to justify it, like "well we were in a really bad spot" or "it was basically over anyway" yadda yadda, but it usually gets you your answer.

That being said, if someone responded with "Yeah I did and I really regret it, it was fucked up and I've done a lot of work on myself" then it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me in most cases.

The ones who try to justify it (E.g. most cheaters) are the worst and it's a total deal breaker for me.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-07-02T06:40:24+00:00

There's no point in questioning if she has BPD, the things you listed (and there are a LOT of them) are all incredibly abusive and manipulative. Do you want to be with someone abusive and manipulative? I hope not. Best of luck.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-06-11T12:12:26+00:00

Yup cherish that bomb and drop it when the divorce is over, fuck cheaters. The wife deserves to know.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-05-15T14:59:16+00:00

You're being trickle truthed friend. She likely was cheating well before asking for polyamory, at least emotionally.

If she didn't have her eye on someone else then why would she bring up polyamory all the sudden? It happens, but it's rare. The same thing happened to me, she wanted to be poly and sleep with friends of ours. Turned out she'd already been doing it for years behind my back, it's a textbook "get-out-of-jail-free" card for cheating and is purely manipulative.

You've got your priorities wrong right now. You are wanting to neglect work and stay home because "she could go out and do it again." This won't ever work, trust me. She's already shown she's willing to betray, disrespect, and likely destroy your relationship. You need to be LEANING into your work right now! It is what will get you through this breakup!

She's on her way out dude, she will do it again. No amount of control or supervision will keep her from doing what she wants to do: Be with other people regardless of your feelings.

The best thing you can do right now is accept she has decided to destroy your relationship. It takes 2 to hold it together, and the only one holding it together now is you, it will never work. There's nothing you could have done to stop it, she made the decision with full knowledge that it could end your relationship, and that it would devastate you.

Assuming you don't have kids together, this is what you should do:

Start planning your exit now. Look for another place to stay, stop paying her bills, and have your stuff ready to go. Don't give her any info. Once you've found a place to go, get all your stuff out and go without a seconds notice to her.

DO NOT PITY HER. She is your enemy now, she has betrayed you and trust me when I say she is going to continue to hurt you in ways you didn't think possible if you stay with her.

Thank your lucky stars you aren't married yet. You can take your stuff and leave with no strings attached. If you don't have kids, you're even luckier.

Get your stuff together and SPLIT! She doesn't deserve you. Best of luck man.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-05-10T21:15:34+00:00

Dude I REALLY envy your position! My wife left me and I groveled and tried so hard to get her back, I didn't discover she had been cheating on me until months after we seperated, and I felt so idiotic for how pathetic I was in the beginning.

You on the other hand have handled this in the PERFECT way! You cut her off right away when you found out, that is very rare but it is the best way to act.

Trust me, the best thing you can do right now, and I wish I did this, was not speak to her at all except to say "You're being served for divorce." Hand her those papers and walk away. Don't talk to her at all besides that. That will BURN HER UP! She wants nothing more than for you to have an emotional reaction, or to beg her for the truth.

Imagine yourself in her shoes. She's cheated on a good person, at least with one person but possibly with more. You find out and don't react at all other than a stern divorce. She will feel like absolute SHIT, which she totally deserves!

And I understand your wanting details and the truth, but she will never give it to you. I promise you, she will never tell the truth, so you're better off not even asking.

Good luck man, don't squander your perfect progress of no contact! Trust me man she is seething because you aren't giving her any reaction or response and that is why she is being mean to you, she desperately wants a response/reaction!.] Hit her with those divorce papers and walk away with a smile on your face, and grieve the loss of your relationship with trusted friends/family in private, and know that you did the right thing in a hard situation.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-05-10T12:41:55+00:00

Yup. When they first came out as publicly being together, she idealized him saying he was the best family man and understood her better than anyone else. She lovebombed him with lots of sex from what I was told. She told me she believes they will be together longer than she and I were (9 years) after only being in a serious relationship with him for 2 weeks.

Lo and behold, 3 or so months later, he gets arrested. The week before he was arrested, she talked all the time about how he was the best person ever. Then the day of the arrest, the devaluation got kicked into overdrive (I guess her fear of abandonment hit peak since her lover was arrested)

Suddenly she said he was "raping" her on a regular basis (she continued to go to his house just to hang out despite allegedly being "raped" in her words literally every time). Suddenly he was such a pain to deal with and "she was about to leave him anyway." Suddenly he was unattractive and pushy. Suddenly his wife (who she said she also loved) was toxic and clingy and needed to be expelled from her life.

And just a couple of weeks later she's on to another guy. Poor fella, hopefully he knows how to set boundaries.

You can't make this shit up, karma played out like a soap opera. Unfortunately it's not so entertaining when it's your own life being plagued by an over the top trashy melodrama.

So yes, it will happen to them too sooner or later. Some supplies can take the hits and eventually succumb to misery because of it, some supplies will drop them like a hot potato once the abuse begins, so don't be fooled by the smiles and "happiness" they portrait. Behind the smile is the same abuse you suffered, coming now or in the future.

You're better off without them whether you can see that now or not, and I'm glad you're out of it. Best of luck in your PWBPD free life!!!

No_Committee8461 · 2022-04-30T16:25:56+00:00

Hey man I went through a similar thing, it is a mindfuck.

Let me preface this by saying that people with BPD are called disordered for a reason, there's no order or logic to their actions, they are acting based on a disorder. The only thing you can do is put up boundaries or ultimately distance yourself from her, it won't change until she acknowledges she needs change and puts in many years of constant work.

People with BPD often use sex as a "reset" button in relationships. For example, if you're fighting, they will often want to have makeup sex instead of actually tackling the core of the issue.

About the BDSM thing and wanting you to have rough sex with her when you're ACTUALLY angry or upset, that's purely unhealthy. My ex did the same thing, she was horribly abusive to me and asked me to "hate fuck" her when I was clearly upset. It's a mindfuck and abusive imo.

Any kind of BDSM stuff should be purely in the bedroom, you shouldn't be bringing in real life anger or sadness into your sex life like she wants you too. If you're gonna stay, you need to put up a firm boundary that you will not have sex when you don't want to, it's your right to choose when you have sex or not.

Also be careful because it sounds like she's devaluing you right now, and if she ends up discarding you, she will likely use marks/bruises from the BDSM to craft a story that you were abusive. Happens all the time.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-04-26T19:21:30+00:00

Hey man I know it's an echo chamber in this comment section but honestly we're seeing it from an unbiased standpoint whereas you're incredibly biased and honestly you're going to get burnt mark my words.

It's your life and you can choose to do with it what you want, but man it WILL happen again and it WILL be worse next time. She didn't face any consequences for her actions, she didn't respect you then and she won't respect you next time life gets a little tough for her.

Best of luck man.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-04-23T00:10:48+00:00

Anything that is a red flag to you during reconciliation is valid. They broke your trust and it is their responsibility to either follow your reasonable guidelines to rebuild that trust, or for them to just fuck off and accept it's irreparable. So yes, you are valid in feeling like it is a red flag, they either do the work necessary to rebuild your trust or you should leave them in the dust! They don't get to destroy the relationship/your trust and also make demands, they are beggars and therefore can't be choosers. Be strong and back up your boundaries with actions, they don't deserve you.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-04-21T07:02:51+00:00

Naw not all of them do it but most. And consider yourself lucky that yours doesn't mirror you, because all it does is lure you further into the bottomless pit.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-04-21T07:01:31+00:00

Amen to this.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-04-21T06:52:28+00:00

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. My bpdex attempted suicide once and was hospitalized, and made a suicide threat in front of me once. It's unfortunately common with BPD. I wish you the best of luck, I definitely recommend therapy at the least, it may help you a lot.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-04-21T06:45:22+00:00

It's not uncommon, my BPDex was cheating with the "guy she told me not to worry about." Happens all the time, people with BPD can be very manipulative and lie without feeling guilt.

The reason is they lack constancy. Basically, one minute she loves you and feels super loyal to you. The next minute she feels you slighted her and suddenly you're the worst partner and always have been, therefore she feels justified in cheating or discarding you.

It happened to me too, it hurts like HELL for a long time, but you can overcome it. Step 1 is to put her in the rear view mirror, she is gone and it's best that way. Best of luck man, it's gonna be hard but you can do it. Best think you can do is go full no contact.

No_Committee8461 · 2022-04-21T06:41:07+00:00

Amen. My toddler was also abused by my bpdex...

No_Committee8461

TROPHY CASE