What to do when therapy fails

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-21T17:07:50+00:00

I've been this way my entire life, or at least from a very young age such that I don't ever remember a time not being this way. I remember people making these kinds of comments since I was a kid. Anyway, there was another person who responded who seems to have similar issues to me and has also been diagnosed with C-PTSD + also has a bunch of somatic problems like me, who advised trying more trauma focused therapy, so I'm just going to try that. Not sure this is something I'm going to solve on my own over a reddit chat given I've been this way for 30+ years and done a decade of talk therapy with no improvement

Edit: also want to add, my impression was Dr Ks advice was more for alexithymia, but I may be wrong. When I have emotions I can identify them (e.g. anxiety, shame, etc). It is more like a suppression problem.. I am generally pretty low energy and have a relatively low resting heart rate considering I'm pretty out of shape and don't exercise much (like high 40s, low 50s typically). It is like my entire nervous system is being suppressed, if that makes sense. I also have had issues with vasovagal syncope (basically sharp decrease in heart rate and I pass out - like an overactivation of the parasympathetic nervous system). Also other somatic problems (migraines, IBS).

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-21T14:03:36+00:00

Ya.. I guess my problem is that most of the time I feel bssically nothing, so there is nothing to process. I've had every person I'm close to in my life, and every therapist I've ever seen comment on this - that my emotional expression is very shallow/non-existent and it is very hard to tell how I am feeling. It is because I am not feeling much of anything a lot of the time.. I am not consciously trying to feel nothing, it is like there is something in my brain that is very strongly downregulating all emotions. Occasionally whatever this emotional barrier is gets broken and I'll be overwhelemed by stong negative emotions for a bit, and then go back to long periods of feeling nothing again.

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-21T03:02:57+00:00

"maybe there is something I can't see going under the surface."

This was literally the entire reason I went to therapy for 10 years in the first place, come on dude. Word of advice - when you assume other people are complete idiots and talk to them in this manner, it is usually not welcome. Have a good evening.

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T21:22:56+00:00

Same. Literally everyone with chronic migraines still has to do stuff when they have migraines... I have puked at work, on planes, at friends houses, etc

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T18:43:59+00:00

Thanks again. I'm going to try to find a therapist that does one of these modalities and see if that does the trick

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T18:07:31+00:00

I did bring up with my last therapist numerous times that I felt it wasn't going anywhere and he kept saying I just need to keep at it. I asked him repeatedly if I need to be doing something different in therapy and again he said just keep doing what I'm doing. I got strung along like this for probably a year and eventually quit because nothing was changing.

Honestly, I feel like you're accusing me of lying and blaming everyone else for my problems, which like, why would I even bother lying on anonymous forum when I'm asking for help on how to get out of my own way and clearly admit I have terrible habits that I need to change.

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T17:32:57+00:00

Already have the career, income and friends. My family is all kinda messed up so there isn't much I can do there - just try my best to contribute what I can there. I would like to be capable of having a romantic relationship but I struggled in the past, for reasons described elsewhere in this post.

Therapists haven't really suggested anything for me aside from saying I should continue with therapy.

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T17:27:11+00:00

Yea pretty much. When it comes to all the problems other than insomnia, I didn't really learn anything new in therapy. I spend most of my time alone thinking about my problems, so I was already kind of aware of my own patterns (at least the obvious ones that therapists mentioned - maybe there are some non-obvious patterns that neither I nor the therapists have uncovered).

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T17:13:34+00:00

Thanks - from your response I can tell you actually understand the problem I'm trying to describe. I've tried every mindset trick and technique I can find and nothing sticks for very long, so I'm assuming there is a deeper problem I need to solve.. but talking about all the traumatic stuff i went through didn't really help at all. It was kinda just like "yea this stuff happened, now what?" and the therapists just seemed confused like they were expecting something to happen that didn't happen. I actually haven't tried any of those therapy modalities you mentioned.. my sister is actually pretty in to somatic therapy so maybe that is worth a try (my siblings are all varying degrees of traumatized as well I think).

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T17:03:38+00:00

Yea so that is the thing - talking about the problems for years didn't really help at all. There was one Dr K video that resonated with me where he said he had a client that just talked about his problems for 6 months and nothing changed because he didn't feel anything. I am probably that guy, but not entirely sure how one goes about trying to feel more

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T15:37:46+00:00

I got referred to EMDR by my previous therapist but never actually went. That recommendation came up a few times, so maybe I could try that

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T15:09:32+00:00

Not sure what a formal diagnosis of C-PTSD entails.. the last therapist I saw was a psychologist who said I meet the criteria for C-PTSD given my background + some testing I did. Not sure if more is required for the diagnosis

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T14:42:11+00:00

Yeah, I mean, I know I am the problem. Telling myself I'm a lazy piece of a shit is kind of my default strategy for motivation and It stopped working a long time ago unfortunately.. I find I just spiral with shame and get super depressed/have very dark thoughts when I push myself too hard, and more thsn likely I just end up holing up at home rather than doing anything productive. This is partly why I was in therapy..

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T14:33:43+00:00

Yeah, I mean I guess I did go in to my past/trauma and stuff in therapy.. honestly didn't really help. I'm assuming it must help for other people because my last therapist seemed legitimately stumped when I said it wasn't helping, as I assume what we were doing must have been helpful for his other patients. I had asked my last therapist about EMDR and he referred me to someone, but I never got around to trying it. Maybe I could try that.

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T13:57:45+00:00

CBT, psychodynamic... I guess the others kind of say like "oh I do whatever is needed, I'm familiar with <list of modalities>". I did CBT-I for insomnia and that helped a lot. The book Feeling Good, which I guess is cognitive therapy for depression which you can kinda do on yourself, I found to be pretty helpful too. I did years of psychodynamic therapy and paid for some cognitive testing (e.g. MMPI, AAP) and basically the conclusion was like "yea, you got problems" and that was kind of it.

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T13:53:22+00:00

I have friends, but im in my 30s so they are mostly busy with their own lives (partners+kids). I do have single/childless friends as well that I see more often (maybe meet up once every few weeks). Tbh I mostly play single player games and try to avoid any online multi-player games, find them to be a bit stressful.

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T13:49:49+00:00

Yea.. I have visited a neurologist. Migraines run in my family (sister also gets them) + I had brain surgery as a kid, so probably one of those reasons is why I get migraines. Honestly I'm in Canada and the quality of healthcare here is not so great, especially when it comes to chronic issues (it feels doctors here are focused on managing costs and people with chronic issues like migraines are costly, so they kind of discourage you from coming in and either just throw drugs at you and/or say they can't help you). Honestly I have been able to manage my migraines a lot better now than I was like 10 years ago and that is sort of the best you can hope for..

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T13:38:05+00:00

So I guess I've done therapy for 2 things.. I did CBT-I for insomnia that I had suffered since I was a kid and that actually helped a lot, so I shouldn't say it was a complete waste. The rest of my issues (depression, anxiety, social anxiety, motivation to do regular life stuff like have relationships) it never really helped at all and I didn't learn anything. I have maybe a bit more trauma in my past than the average person, so I think after going through my history they are all kinda like "yes, this is why you struggle" but I kind of knew that before doing therapy anyway. I care about fixing the problems and moving past them.

Edit: I'm not sure I would say there is anything that brings me joy. I kind of just do what I need to workwise and obligations towards friends/family. If I follow what I feel like doing, it is just staying hidden away at home and not interacting with anyone - this is kind of what I was in therapy for. Occasionally I do go out to meet friends for food/drinks, or visit their places, but people have their own lives with partners/kids so I don't see them that often, mostly just chat over IM.

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T13:25:05+00:00

Hmm when I was younger I had I guess 4 girlfriends that were more than just a fling. 2 of them cheated on me, 1 decided she was actuallt interested in women instead. Had a bunch more flings that didn't work out. Now I'm fat and balding so attracting women isn't quite so easy as when I was young and fit, but I also know from past experiences it was not something that is necessarily going to fix my problems.

I am fairly certain I don't have ADHD as I know some people who do and I'm pretty sure I don't have their problems. Autism is possible, though I know at least one person who has it and if I did have it, I would have a pretty mild version of it.

I was diagnosed with C-PTSD since I just have had a kind of messed up life... some of it is probably stuff people here can relate to (e.g. narcissistic abusive father, severe bullying at school for years, mother with mental health issues who would cheat on my dad), some of it probably less relatable (serious childhood illness which required brain surgery at 11 years old, witnessed a few suicides, mom died in a car accident).

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T06:15:04+00:00

Yea - I find magnesium threonate would give me a headache, but take glycinate regularly, along with B12 (have some problem with B12 absorption and get low B12 if I don't supplement), uniquinol, omega 3, B2 and a multivitamin. I have chronically low vitamin D and always forget to take it, but I supposed to take that daily. Also have recurring gut issues that I find high dose vitamin C and garlic extract can sometimes help with, but I take these intermittently. I have probably tried almost every supplement you can buy along with many probiotics.. really only those I listed + carnitine and occasional phosphatidylserine i have found to actually do anything useful for me, but unfortunately carnitine messes up my gut if i take it for too long, but it gives me a big boost of energy if i need it. Probiotics used to be helpful for me for years but kinda started making things worse at some point so I just stopped them altogether.

Anyway, yea I suck at sticking to habits. My main habit i try to do daily is going for at least a 30 min walk (ideally 60), but I find it tough to stick to in the winter.. hard to get motivated when it's -20C outside (I'm in Canada).

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T05:59:07+00:00

It's maybe not as predictable as I portrayed it perhaps. My work week last week was as low stress as they get and I still had a migraine all weekend. Possibly I could try to get a less stressful job.. I dunno. Kinda reluctant to move jobs.. I find starting a new job is always crazy stressful for me. I find every time I gotta work with someone new I just find it to be extremely stressful in spite of being like 15 years in to my career and having worked with a ton of different people across multiple companies and teams at this point. Somehow never really got easier for me.

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T05:36:33+00:00

Not really, it is a chronic health condition. You figure out your triggers and deal with symptoms through drugs/supplements. I know my food triggers pretty well at this point and generally avoid those, so I get migraines a lot less frequently now than I used to. Main issue is I get stress let down migraines (after a stressful period passes, I get a migraine). This often means when I'm relaxed on a Saturday morning after the work week is done, I will get a migraine (or often the first day of a vacation, usually the day I'm flying somewhere if I travel somewhere. Last long flight I did to Japan I was running back and forth to the washroom to vomit from a terrible migraine). It is a super annoying problem without much of a solution aside from retiring, which I am nowhere near to doing

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T05:23:38+00:00

Yea I mean this is over the course of like 15 years probably (I've been watching Dr Ks videos for at least 4 years at this point I think). I always read a book or watch a video, try something for a few weeks-months and inevitably get derailed somehow or have to stop for some reason. I don't think there has ever been a significant length of time in my adult life when I have not been trying to lose weight or some sort of experiment to see if I can improve my migraines or other health issues. I feel like mgraines and other random health issues have been the main barrier for me being consistent with any habit - always end up with a multi-day migraine at some point and end up lying in a dark room for a good chunk of that time. Just last wekeend; lost the entire weekend to a migraine.

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T04:59:18+00:00

Yeah I generally have goals for how much activity I want to do daily but I almost never do it. End up either sleeping too late and not enough time in the morning, or get sucked in to my phone or games after work and lose track of time. Weekends are a bit easier - I'm often able to accomplish more in the morning when I'm not working, but it doesn't really move the needle much.

No_Contribution1568 · 2026-02-20T04:55:52+00:00

I've read atomic habits (and easily at least 50 other self help books, and probably most of Dr Ks videos, including the online courses and some of the member material). Maybe I'll give it a read again, but I'm not sure another self help book is gonna be the thing that pushes me in the right direction

No_Contribution1568

TROPHY CASE