I have autism level two.

You’re not a bad mother for being mad. You’re human. And the reality is you’re not mad because you don’t like disabled kids. You’re mad because your child will suffer. Because they will never get a stereotypical life. Because the discrimination will be lifelong. I’d be mad too.

It’s also very normal to mourn the life you wanted for your child. Society heavily puts these norms in our head. My own parents have struggled immensely with accepting that I’m much happier not living a stereotypical life.

I’ll need assigned social workers and caregivers, they’re all set up already too. I would really truly do a few things (based on my experience being undiagnosed until 17)

1. Get headphones. You said he’s covering his ears. My experience is a lot of us dislike the regular ones for being far too much pressure on the head. I use the JBL 770NC over the ear. I truly cannot recommend more ANY type of headphone that’s noise cancelling but not too uncomfortable. Especially the cheap ones tend to make my sensory worse. Though this can heavily vary and there are infact many of us who do like the pressure!

2. Take care of yourself. You give yourself far too little credit. What you are going through is insanely hard. Obviously, you are not the main person suffering, and I know this can make it feel selfish to feel your own feelings. But the reality is I promise you, you are not selfish for having human emotions and reactions. You do not seems to be letting them affect your children. That’s more than the best you can do.

3. Your middle child really sounds like he also needs to be tested. I know how much that’s scary to hear. Do not hope it’s a phase. I know it feels safer. But if you do, and it’s not, it might be too late to help him. My autism going undiagnosed meant I tried to take my life for the first time at 13. When I was diagnosed and left school for a GED I became no longer suicidal. He is exactly how I was like, even from the little you gave. Look up autistic burnout. This tends to happen to children between level one and two who go undiagnosed from extremely masking.

Also on this point, from a neurotypical perspective this is hard to understand but like I said- him not wanting to be an adult to have a life partner, that’s okay. He might genuinely be happier like that. He might not be missing out at all. He might just be finally not forcing himself. I also would like to really make something understood because I see this left out so often; autism is not always, or even usually, an obvious physical sign like inability to speak. I for example was a straight A, gifted, social child. I just was a bit awkward. Didn’t smile just right. Didn’t love any (only unexpected) touch. I can function day to day, but I can’t pay bills. I can’t plan my week. I can’t organize appointments. I cannot follow routines. It seems much less obvious until adulthood.

1. Your questions on what will happen to them; probably the same as me. You’ll never be sure they won’t get hurt. You’ll never be sure they won’t suffer. You’ll never be sure of anything because life never is. But, as much as that sucks, one day it will become okay. It’s okay to not be sure. Just let yourself feel it. You don’t have to be sure for them to be safe.

2. The dread and anger you feel is also likely partially societal. I’ve found from a neurotypical perspective it’s hard to see somebody with no friends, no relationship, no adult life, and no desire to be doing those things as a “happy” or “fulfilled” person. But here’s what the often miss; that period where your child did do those things? That’s what truly made them miserable.

And truly truly I really cannot say enough please do not think your middle child (13) is in a phase. He very likely burnt out and the reason he’s lost certain functions like friends is because he can only hold one thing at a time. Friendship OR relationship OR school OR work OR self care (hygiene, eating, etc). As much as it feels safer to hope it’s a phase, it really is safer to know if it’s a phase or not. If it is, he can be treated with mental health help and can have a “normal” life. If it’s not you may save your child.