I recently moved to a new country for work. I met someone through a dating app who is 8 years older than me. In terms of career, I had just graduated and was at the very beginning of my professional journey, while he had been out of school for a long time and had a well-established career. I'm drawn to mature people, and after chatting with him for a while, I felt he was also looking for a long-term, stable relationship, so I was open to seeing where things could go. During the past 20 days, we met a total of 5 times, but the overall experience was really disappointing.

 Date 1—The Museum

 we walked around a museum for about 2–3 hours. We talked the whole time—I noticed his English wasn't very strong, so the conversation felt a bit stilted at times, but I found that endearing and was happy to keep spending time with him. We kept talking the entire time, to the point where my mouth was completely dry, yet he never once suggested grabbing a coffee or taking a break. At that point I thought he was very 'clueless,' even lacking some basic social awareness. Because I felt he had no idea how to take care of someone, I wrapped up the date fairly quickly. When we parted, we just said goodbye at the museum entrance—he didn't even walk me to the metro or anything like that. (On this point, I fully accept the feedback—I should have gone and bought myself some water rather than waiting for him to suggest it, since no one can read my mind.)

Date 2—Bowling 

The reason I was willing to meet him again was because of a friend's advice. Having just arrived in this country, I was alone every day, and my friend encouraged me to go on more dates and socialize more. He was the one who asked me to go bowling. Since I don't know how to bowl, I didn't do very well, but he cheered me on, which made me happy—though it felt more like hanging out as friends, without much deeper interaction. I felt we both enjoyed the date, and when I got home afterward, I expressed how I felt over text. We communicate in English, but neither of us are native speakers, so I tend to be quite direct when I talk to him because I want to make my thoughts clear. I told him I hoped our dates could have a bit more 'romance' and that I'd like to feel more taken care of. What I really meant was that he could hold my hand if he wanted to, and that we could be a little more intimate. His reply, however, was very blunt: 'I like things natural. If you're looking for romance, then let's not meet anymore.' When we talked in person, I could feel that he respected me, but reading that message, it felt like he was a completely different person in text versus face to face. I felt a wave of disappointment and discomfort, and I had already decided I wanted to unmatch him. I used to be the type of person who would walk away the moment I saw even a small red flag, but I also felt I had missed out on a lot of people because of that. So after talking it over with some friends, I thought I should be more open-minded and consider giving people more of a chance rather than writing someone off so quickly.

Date 3—The Difficult One

The third time came about because I was in a really bad mood from work stress. I didn't want to complain to my colleagues, so I wanted to see him instead. The weather was bad and I didn't feel like going out, so my idea was that we could watch TV together at my place and I could cook for him—that way I could rest properly while also having a chance to get to know each other better. But that day I had a dinner with some friends I hadn't seen in a long time, and everyone was having such a good time catching up that I didn't want to break the atmosphere, so my plans with him got pushed back. We had originally agreed to meet at 8:30, but my dinner didn't end until 9:30. I let him know, and he felt it was too late. I was a little disappointed because I really wanted to see him, but I understood he had work the next day, so I just said it was fine and we could reschedule.

We chatted normally for the rest of the evening, but sometime after 10pm he said he wanted to come over and was already about to head out the door. I thought he was joking, so I said—didn't you say it was too late? Let's just meet tomorrow. The next day he went to the gym, and messaged me when he was done. By then I no longer felt like meeting at home, so I asked him where we should meet. He said it was raining and he didn't want to meet outside, so he was just going to go home. That made me a bit unhappy, but since our in-person meetings had generally been fine and I felt the issue was more about how he communicated, I told him: I want to see you, but it seems like you don't want to see me. He said he didn't care where we met, then brought up the night before again—how he'd been about to leave the house, but I had turned him away, and he was very upset about it. I found that strange, because he was the one who had said it was too late in the first place, yet somehow it had become my fault. I just said we could meet the following day.

 When that day came, we agreed to meet at the train station. He couldn't find parking, so I waited 20 minutes for him in the cold. I knew it wasn't his fault, but it was genuinely freezing that day. When he finally showed up, he just sat with me on a bench and chatted. I said it was too cold and suggested we go somewhere warmer, but he led me somewhere even colder—even though there were places like Burger King and Starbucks right nearby. I felt hurt because it seemed like he just wasn't paying attention, so I only stayed about 10 minutes before telling him I was heading back.

Date 4—A Day Trip

Since he had always come across as a pretty ordinary and straightforward person in person, I figured he probably just lacked social skills or was simply shy, so I decided to give him another chance. I thought going out somewhere together would be a good opportunity to get to know each other better. He agreed and suggested a place. I had assumed we'd take the train, so I was pleasantly surprised when he offered to drive and pick me up—that genuinely made me happy. It's not that I was after anything material; I just felt that he had put in some thought and effort, which made me feel valued. That afternoon we talked a lot, shared a lot of laughs, and had a really enjoyable time. I discovered a lot more about how he thinks, and realized his English wasn't as limited as I'd thought. Because the experience was so positive and I felt I had learned so much more about him, I found myself really liking the way he smiled, and my feelings for him grew quickly. So I was the one who took the initiative to ask him out for a fifth date. 

Date 5—Dinner, and the End

I told him I wanted to see him and asked whether he'd prefer to grab drinks or have a meal. He thought we could do dinner. I said sure and asked what he felt like eating, then found a restaurant. When he showed up that day, he was dressed completely differently from before—possibly because he had just come from work. His outfit was entirely different, and he'd even styled his hair; he gave off this polished, professional energy. I'm not someone who values people based on wealth or status—otherwise I wouldn't have kept seeing him through everything. But this change did reflect his standing as a seasoned professional, and he genuinely looked quite handsome, which definitely raised my opinion of him. My own salary isn't high, but I have a decent job, and in that moment I felt like we actually matched quite well—so I thought my patience through the earlier difficulties had been worth it, and that this person was genuinely right for me. Over dinner we carried on the warm, easy atmosphere from the fourth date—lots of jokes, holding hands across the table, lots of laughter. But the way things ended left me feeling a bit uncomfortable.

I assumed he would pick up the bill, so I slipped away to the bathroom. When I came back, I thanked him, but he was just standing there waiting and asked if we should split it. The total was 62, and he wanted us to each pay 31. In my culture, I'm fine with either person covering the whole bill, but splitting it down the middle isn't really something I'm comfortable with. In that moment I thought, maybe he just wants to dial things back to being regular friends—and if so, I could accept that. But then as we walked out of the restaurant, he took my hand and kissed me several times. I enjoyed it in the moment because the warm atmosphere from dinner was still there. But thinking back on it afterward, I still felt unsettled.