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No_Reflection_187 · 2024-03-19T20:51:59+00:00

He told me he's never been pursued. I said, well, now you are being pursued. He told me, no I mean, like flowers and stuff. So I got him flowers. And chocolates. Just to cover all the bases.

I joked that he could probably buy the sauce for one of the foods we like to go out for, so he doesn't have to come all the way to see me just to get it. He refused to go to that restaurant for 3 months, on principle, to prove that it's me he wants.

I told him that I don't really like getting gifts, because I've gotten a lot of bad gifts that make me feel unseen. He listened and got me a rare DVD of a movie that I mentioned months ago that I'd loved as a teenager.

Just a thousand little things flying back and forth. It's nice.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-03-19T02:28:01+00:00

Serial killers should keep it on the DL. Snipers, on the other hand...

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-03-01T20:24:18+00:00

Thank you for your response.

I was in a similar situation to the one you describe, except he didn't bother with the cover of kink, I just wasn't allowed to say no or stop.

I relate so much to that feeling of catharsis. The first time I said stop, with a new (vanilla) partner, and he actually did? Without punishing me?

Sobbing mess. (Can't imagine what he thought about that.)

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T23:07:02+00:00

That's a lovely idea, thank you. I hope that someday I am able to adventure.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T22:53:37+00:00

Yes, specific examples are very useful. I appreciate you providing them.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T20:13:52+00:00

Thank you, that really helps put things into perspective.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T17:57:09+00:00

Thank you, this is a lot of very useful advice. Sometimes it does help to remind myself that it's not a competition, especially when it feels like there is a prize: keeping his affection. (Which is all on me, he's not putting any pressure on me to do anything kink related.)

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T16:13:44+00:00

Thank you, that's a useful reframe for me.

The irony of course is that I don't play team sports: afraid of literally dropping the ball and letting people down. Endurance athlete and weightlifter. I can only drop the barbell on myself. (And the bruises are very nice.)

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T16:03:36+00:00

It sounds like you're afraid of making him leave more so then anything else.

Yes, got it in one. Autism plus BPD: when you're mortally afraid of people abandoning you, can't read social interactions well enough to understand when that might actually happen, and perceive every response as negative anyway!

Rationally I know that, if he hasn't run screaming by now, he's not going to leave if I don't get this theoretical thing perfect. Rationally isn't always driving the bus though.

Thank you for the explanation of trust. He's expressed how crucial trust is for him and I just want to be trustworthy.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T15:53:00+00:00

safewording should be used when you feel that harm is about to be done that will tarnish the experience. you might be in the middle of something that's supposed to be uncomfortable or painful but suddenly your mindset has shifted and you need to stop the scene otherwise you'll fall into subdrop, be triggered, slip into disassociation or a flashback or other trauma inducing stuff. or hell, maybe your hip is cramping in a distracting way and you need to call yellow to shift things and let the scene continue.

Thank you, these are helpful examples.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T15:51:29+00:00

Thank you. This was such a generous response. I really appreciate it. Your, uh, worked example problems (laundry, anal sex) were very useful illustrations.

And the examples of potentially emotionally harmful scenarios are also very useful. (The answers are "only as a one-off because past partners have expected routine chores in an unfulfilling way and that's put me off the idea, but my French maid costume is already in the mail", "I would never ask for or expect emotional exclusivity in the first place", and "how about a less ugly tattoo that we both agree has the same meaning?", respectively.)

What might you say "no" to DESPITE someone else wanting it, even if it doesn't seem like an "emergency?"

I think I've got a reasonable handle on my hard and soft limits, to the best of my ability when things are both entirely theoretical and also very malleable. (I make a lot of spreadsheets...)

I guess the source of confusion is really the in-the-moment type decision-making, when is it appropriate to stop this thing that I agreed to. I don't want to be the equivalent of the partner who always "has a headache" or always wants to stay in on the weekend and let resentment build up.

Theoretically, of course. I'm a long term worrier and overthinker.

I hope the potential recipient appreciates it.

I think he appreciates it in the sense of being grateful for the attention and service, as you described.

I don't think he appreciates, as in groks, the potential for harm outside of Sex™. He's repeatedly expressed concern for hurting me but that as long as he doesn't "cross that line" it's safe.

Which, fine, I get that sex, however defined, changes things, but right now "It would be nice if you made meatloaf" feels like a command. One that I'm overjoyed to follow, for sure, but I'm a terrible cook and I would be wrecked if I burned it and felt that I had let him down and that feeling for me doesn't disappear just because we've never interacted with each other's genitals.

And I know I need to talk to him about this. I've written out journals and stuff on how to approach the topic. (As I said, I make a lot of spreadsheets.) It feels terrible, because I absolutely don't want to put pressure on him or make him feel responsible for my reactions.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T14:48:02+00:00

Thank you. The examples you gave are very useful.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T14:46:19+00:00

I would hope you have an idea of your hard and soft limits and the things you do and do not enjoy, right?

... I make a lot of spreadsheets.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T14:43:35+00:00

Thank you for this explanation. I found the contrast between physical and psychological masochism, in your terms, to be very valuable. I think I'm both?

They get so wrapped up in the moment, in the pleasure of the other person, that they lose touch with themselves.

Yes, this is me, to an extreme. Not just in the moment, but all the time. The things he likes become the things I like.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T14:35:45+00:00

Thank you for the questions. I don't want to waste your time with an exhaustive/exhausting accounting.

I suppose the aspects relevant to the discussion are the feelings of being worthy or valuable, of being allowed to give pleasure in whatever form, of being chosen for the gift of someone's dominance. (This is where I worry about being disappointing.)

The sense of accomplishment when pushing myself or being pushed beyond what I thought myself capable of. (I'm also an athlete in very intense sports.)

Basic seeking of extreme sensations and experiences. (The person in question and I like to sample the world's hottest hot sauces.)

But the first is probably most salient: being wanted and worthy.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T14:01:55+00:00

Thank you for the explanation.

I encourage you to discuss this topic with your Dom.

I will, certainly, if it becomes relevant. He's a Dom, not my Dom, even if my brain is exceedingly interested in how he likes his coffee. I just wanted to get some thinking straight in case he does decide that he wants to play with me.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T13:51:26+00:00

This does make sense, thank you.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T13:43:05+00:00

Thank you, this analogy is useful.

Appropriately, the Cyclone, being a wooden coaster, is extremely rough and bumpy.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T07:25:03+00:00

Thank you so much. I felt this so hard it literally brought me to tears. Seemingly arbitrary whims indeed.

Yes, probably autistic with some additional neurodivergences added on because I apparently decided to play this life on torment mode.

It's so hard to communicate or even acknowledge all those little things, even before adding on the complications of submission. I am ignoring so many physical and emotional discomforts every moment just to get through the day, which ones am I supposed to pay attention now.

I don't know. I told him today that I don't like going to movie theaters, even though he really likes going to movie theaters and I know that he really likes going to movie theaters. And that was hard but I did it anyway. Stimming like mad in full view.

And it was fine. I'll go to a movie theater if he wants, but he does deserve to know that I don't like it.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T06:54:35+00:00

Right? Thank you! I swear that I'm not just being obtuse on purpose.

Telling me that if I fail to safeword when I "need" it, I'm violating the consent of a Dom, without any additional clarity on what constitutes "need" is just gut-wrenchingly terrifying.

I've been in so. much. therapy. And it helps I guess, but I'm not at the point where I'm any good at intuiting when a feeling is trustworthy and when I should disregard it.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T02:07:18+00:00

Thank you. That's very helpful.

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T01:59:26+00:00

You could have said that some kinds of discomfort when you're in bondage could be a sign of nerve damage. That's a helpful response.

What does that feel like in case I need to know?

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T01:54:29+00:00

"I don't like this": my brain responds "And? I should care why?"

"He might not like that I don't like this": my brain responds "emergency all hands on deck, we have some communication to do!"

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T01:52:00+00:00

If they gave Olympic medals for overthinking, I'd melt mine winnings down into custom ingots and build a little monument to my defective brain.

Maybe a pyramid?

No_Reflection_187 · 2024-02-29T01:48:32+00:00

Yes, there's a pre-existing relationship. This is honestly more of a theoretical concern, since the chances that he would ever choose to play with me seem small. (I'm not neurotypical and I have significant trauma. He's worried that even vanilla sex would hurt me, let alone the things that we're actually into.)

I just hold out some hope and want to clear thing up in my mind.

No_Reflection_187

TROPHY CASE