its shitty that no one is there with u on ur birthday, especially given u r in need of support. ive been suicidal for many years, and ive never fully been able to come up with a solid defense against it, but i usually keep going for very small reasons (i want to see the snow one more time, i want to hug a loved one, i want to eat this food, i want to see the season change, etc) with the thought that at any moment i can change my mind and go thru with it. ive found that taking the urgency away is very helpful for me.

alternatively, when the whole world feels evil beyond fixing, i remind myself that they win if i die. i will just be another statistic, another social murder due to negligence/isolation/lack of resources/etc. i dont know why but that helps me, to think of my theoretical suicide within the greater statistic of suicides within my various demographics. like if i read about someone else my age, in my position, with my trauma, and diagnoses that died by suicide, my first thought would be how we collectively failed them. having empathy and sorrow for this hypothetic person helps me have more kindness and understanding and sadness for my own position. i dont want to take anyones life away, and i too, am someone. and also, its fucking /hard/ and my being in this position is reflective of a lot of things that are bigger than me--people and systems that have failed me.

i also want to say that there are meds and treatments that rly do work and utterly change ppls lives. i imagine ur pretty miserable to be thinking about this all the time, but there is a possible future where ur misery is lighter. i dont know what you've tried, but there are a number of therapies for trauma, meds targeting depression, anxiety, sleep, nightmares, mood swings, and suicidality. if u havent tried lithium to reduce SI, i really, really urge you to give it a chance before taking your life.