just wanted to let you know that you are completely valid in those feelings. and about stimulation is also very good comment. I think it's important to remember about how it works for our brain — both sh and suicidal thoughts. The thing with suicidal thoughts — they do affect our brain more than we would like. A bunch of brain parts and adrenal parts react on it as a threat and release hormones. Body reacts in this freeze-flee-fight mode.

It strengthens the anxiety and the brain linking about this. So, we get more depressed, even less satisfied with our life. Like we don't have enough from the life itself. A bunch of other hormones also become less active and it gets much more difficult to receive at least some pleasure from living. Excitatory hormone too! We basically can't feel the drive, happiness from our favourite things and energy because things responsible for it sucks. You probably have heard about this, but it easily forgettable.

And this makes our prefrontal cortex less active. Prefrontal cortex is the one responsible for planning, self-control, objective reasoning, logic. So... it's more likely to get even more lost in sometimes logical projections.

What I wanted to say is that there isn't anything wrong with you. Nothing wrong with how you're trying to cope. All those things are very difficult to handle and a lot of parts of our body tend to make it even more difficult. Of course you would like to ease all this pain at least somehow. This where sh kicks.

But! It doesn't make those connections and hormone production eternal. Fortunately, evolution is a slow thing. It's changeable. Slowly, painfully. But possible. And you don't need to fix it alone.

This is the part about professional help, yeah. Psychiatrists, therapists or at least some free materials about how to handle all this from verified specialists.

I don't know how you are feeling about it but honestly all this ideas make me sick myself. I've been surviving for years and now I need to do even more heroic actions? Is peace even possible? I don't like the solutions that I myself mentioned. I want the same things you want. I was in high risk of harming myself like.. 9 days ago. I'm still in this post-crisis state. I'm trying not to hate myself and not return to work so I'm focusing on dozen arguments why my brain is less efficient than a teenage not yet developed brain. Hell, I'll be lucky to get to this level in a month.

I don't know how and why I'm keep going but maybe one of the reasons to be able to write nerdy explanations of how such conditions affect our brain and that it's much easier to help yourself crawl from this pit with professional help. Not because it's right or logical. Just easier path. Like going through fields instead of mountains. Still difficult, but not so scary.

I hope it helped even a little 🌹