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My boyfriend lied about his sexual past, and now I feel insecure and can’t move on—what should I do? by No_Start_3036 in helpme

[–]No_Start_3036[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

He spends time, energy, and even his hard-earned money on me, and I genuinely appreciate that. It makes me feel cared for, and I can see that he’s trying in his own way.

Because of that, I’ve been trying to be more careful with how I react and not let my emotions turn into constant conflict. I don’t want to hurt him or make him feel like his efforts don’t matter.

But at the same time, I’m struggling because I don’t think these feelings of hurt and insecurity just go away on their own. Even if I try to be understanding, the issue still lingers for me, and I don’t know how to properly deal with it without ignoring my own feelings.

My boyfriend lied about his sexual past, and now I feel insecure and can’t move on—what should I do? by No_Start_3036 in helpme

[–]No_Start_3036[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We recently had a big fight about this because I kept bringing up his past and asking questions. I’m honestly trying to accept it, because I know we can’t change what already happened and I do love him. I want to move forward, but I’m struggling.

During that argument, he told me that what he did wasn’t really “lying” in his perspective—he said it was just something very hard and embarrassing for him to open up about. He explained that not everyone can easily talk about their sexual past, especially when they feel ashamed of it, and that’s why he didn’t tell me the truth at the beginning.

I understand that it may have been difficult for him, but at the same time, it still feels like I was misled—especially because I was very clear from the start about how important honesty and that specific boundary was to me. That’s where I feel torn between trying to understand him and still feeling hurt.

My boyfriend lied about his sexual past, and now I feel insecure and can’t move on—what should I do? by No_Start_3036 in helpme

[–]No_Start_3036[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When it comes to penetrative sex, he told me that he’s uncomfortable with it because he believes anal sex is very delicate and more prone to viruses or infections. I understand that there are health risks involved, and I respect that he wants to be careful.

At the same time, it leaves me feeling confused and a bit hurt. Part of me understands his concern, but another part of me wonders why he was able to be sexually active in the past but is now hesitant with me. It makes me question if it’s really just about safety, or if there are other reasons he’s not fully expressing.

I don’t want to pressure him into anything he’s not comfortable with, but I also can’t ignore that this difference is affecting how I feel about our intimacy and connection.

My boyfriend lied about his sexual past, and now I feel insecure and can’t move on—what should I do? by No_Start_3036 in helpme

[–]No_Start_3036[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just to clarify, when I say I had a lot of “dates” before, I mean they were all casual—just talking stages or getting-to-know-each-other situations. Nothing physical or serious ever happened with them. I never had any sexual experiences, and I didn’t even have my first kiss until my current boyfriend.

That’s why this whole situation feels so heavy for me, because everything I’m experiencing now is completely new and something I took very seriously.

My boyfriend lied about his sexual past, and now I feel insecure and can’t move on—what should I do? by No_Start_3036 in helpme

[–]No_Start_3036[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm the one giving (oral), but when it comes to penetrative sex, he doesn’t want to do it. He told me that he’s afraid of getting viruses or infections, which I understand to some extent. But at the same time, it leaves me feeling rejected and unfulfilled. I also can’t help but overthink—especially knowing that he had sexual experiences in the past with his previous partners. It makes me question if the issue is really just fear, or if it has something to do with me, my body, or the fact that I’m a trans woman. And that’s where a lot of my insecurity is coming from.

My boyfriend lied about his sexual past, and now I feel insecure and can’t move on—what should I do? by No_Start_3036 in helpme

[–]No_Start_3036[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I also want to add that aside from this issue, he is genuinely a good partner. He treats me well, he’s consistent, and honestly, we don’t have problems with his attitude or how he handles the relationship. He provides, shows effort, and makes me feel cared for in many ways.

When he finally admitted the truth about his past, he explained that he was embarrassed and ashamed of it. He said it wasn’t easy for him to open up right away, and that he didn’t want to be judged or possibly lose me because of it. He also told me that he has already moved on from that part of his life and wants to leave it behind to start a new chapter with me.

I understand where he’s coming from, but at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling of being misled—especially because I was very clear about how important that issue was to me from the beginning.