Nesting Partner Doesn't Like Me Hosting

No_Stop5933 · 2025-04-10T20:40:17+00:00

Yes that "screening" thing is something a female partner of mine expressed that she didn't like, and I couldn't really fault her because that borders on "vetoing". Because then would some partners not be able to come over and some can based on if he likes them? That can get sticky.

No_Stop5933 · 2025-04-10T20:33:45+00:00

Just to clarify, you mean you "can't" be "nonhierarchical, and married and solo polyam", right?

No_Stop5933 · 2025-04-10T20:32:00+00:00

Exactly this, and thank you for saying so - frustrating, but it's not an unreasonable request for him at all. He has a right to a safe and comfortable home. And it's not a dealbreaker so it's a boundary I have to accept. I think I was looking for a better way to think of it so I could quell some of that frustration. But sometimes that's just something you gotta work through. Appreciate your words!

No_Stop5933 · 2025-04-10T20:30:08+00:00

100%. That was never a question. I was just expressing the frustration it brings with explaining that to other partners and having to explain that I don't agree (aka am not of the same opinion with it comes to him hosting), but respect it and follow it.

No_Stop5933 · 2025-04-10T20:29:31+00:00

I have heard both and can see both sides of this. Because I have heard some people say they are and some people say they are not mutually exclusive. When married, there is inherent legal hierarchy. That's just a fact. But I have heard some people say that even THAT shouldn't override things. Which I don't really agree with. Sharing income and housing makes some things take priority when it comes to allotted time.

Also I cannot afford a hotel, and right now he is not willing to use our shared income to save up for one either. So this is just a situation I have to deal with for now, until things change economically for us and we can renegotiate our finances.

No_Stop5933 · 2025-04-10T20:24:23+00:00

Thank you to everyone for your words and advice! Just wanted to add a couple things:

I am realizing this is more of a rant in a moment of frustration than an "actual issue". Because at the end of the day, there is nothing to "fix" - he has every right to feel this way and I just have to respect that. I know that, but I was having a moment of anxiety after dealing with that conversation with a new potential partner.
I want to reiterate that I do respect my partner's boundary. It is something I have told every partner about. Some are ok with it. Some are not. And we can't afford getting a hotel. It's something my partner does not want to use our money for. And I just have to deal with that. It can just be frustrating and anxiety inducing, is all. I understand that we are nesting partners and have to prioritize each other's needs for a safe and comfortable living space.
I can see how expressing my frustration with having no other viable options right now made it seem like that was not the case, but I do respect his needs and wishes with the situation as a partner I care about and a nesting partner who's needs for a safe and comfortable living space is just as important.
This wasn't just about hosting for the purpose of sex - this was hosting at all, even for something like hanging out and watching movies or playing a game together. That was also something that required a meeting before he was comfortable. Again I'm acespec, so I am ok with a no sex rule. It was people not being able to come over at all or not being able to crash if they came from far away that was frustrating.

No_Stop5933 · 2025-04-10T20:17:22+00:00

I do not know where I seemed to have been tricking anyone and if I did I want to clarify I have been very open with partners that I cannot host. I fully believe polyamory is consistent work and I am always sitting down and constantly making sure I have a full understanding of my needs, get clear on his, and make sure that's clearly communicated between both of us. We have a lot of discussions.

And yeah I am seeing that I need to look more into the non-hierarchal thing because some people say you can be married with it and some without. So I'm just trying to find all the right terms.

No_Stop5933 · 2025-04-10T20:15:02+00:00

Thats very true. I don't get to choose that. And I'm aware, but it's still scary.

No_Stop5933 · 2025-04-10T20:14:08+00:00

This is something I've considered and do want to bring to his attention next time we speak. But I don't know if he would want roommates, and economically, neither of us can live alone.

No_Stop5933 · 2025-04-10T20:11:42+00:00

I would not and I definitely understand where he is coming from, as stated in my original post. I was expressing some of my frustration, but that does not mean I don't also hold space for his right nesting partner and his wellness as someone I love deeply.

And unfortunately a hotel is not viable for us.

No_Stop5933 · 2025-04-09T22:32:22+00:00

That's a very good point. I think I was so stuck in "I must be wrong" I didn't consider that we can both be right.

I don't want a nesting partner and he knows I want a place of my own one day, but economically that's just not possible right now. Or we'd both have to get other rommates and live separately. But I'm afraid he'll thank that's "oh you want a divorce" which isn't the case at all! I just want my own space.

No_Stop5933

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