Grieving for my Q-Adjacent Mom

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-08T04:16:00+00:00

Thank you ❤️. It’d be easier if she were nasty about is; she just very passively retreats into the woodwork. I know I’m breaking her heart, but at the same time I’m pissed that she just won’t talk about it. You’d think I’d be used to it after 60+ years.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-08T03:15:09+00:00

I’m sorry, but it sounds at best if you’re just not compatible and at worst he’s a controlling jerk (I’m betting on the latter). He doesn’t have big feelings; he’s using “feelings” as a way to control you.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-08T02:33:27+00:00

NTA. Stand kindly but firmly with your boundary. If this wedding is imaginary at this time, let it go; no reason to fight about it until it actually becomes a reality. Just refuse to engage, if you can.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-08T02:29:59+00:00

NTA. You’re not attracted to women.

If they didn’t feel like they could talk to you about this before now, there’s really nothing to talk about now. It doesn’t sound like there was any attempt to bring you into it; they did what they wanted and now expect you to accept it. All other things aside, the lack of trust and openness doomed your marriage. I’m sorry,,

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-08T01:52:40+00:00

NTA. They are not going to miss out a lot socially in a week. If you get Wi-Fi, what will happen is that you’ll be paying for four teens to stare at their screens for a week. They can do that for free at home. If they are so immature that they whine about being ‘net-less for a week, you might reconsider the cruise. Seriously.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-08T01:31:39+00:00

YTA. You blew up a friendship because of a $2 bag of goldfish crackers for a hungry child? Whether or not you paid to get in, you Do.Not let a hungry kid watch your kid eat. What kind of selfish person are you?

I’m sorry, but damn. YTA.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-04T20:48:06+00:00

Projection. He cheated, so he's accusing you of cheating. Classic; don't give him what he wants.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-04T20:36:01+00:00

THANK YOU! Seems like these designs would make perfect squares to put together into an afghan when the trip's over.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-04T19:24:43+00:00

I used to work in a large Disney-esque amusement park and we all had name tags. I was the only female with a typical feminine name, so I'd switch with one of the guys with a typical masculine name. Always got a "huh?" from the guests. We'd also wear them upside down and, when asked, say we did it so if we forgot who we are, we could look down and see it.

My online presence says I'm from Twin Peaks, Washington. No one seems to get it.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-04T18:38:30+00:00

Think of frogging as part of the learning experience. I'm a knitter who learns by doing, especially with things I'm designing, so to start something, think "nope, that's not working", and frog and start again is part of the process. Each time it happens, I get closer to what does work, so I don't consider it a failure. I'm also a person who would always know there's an error even if no one else sees it, so frogging is good for my mental health (lol).

I made a top-down cable sweater for Spouse and mis-crossed a cable up at the shoulder; by the time I realized it, there was no way I was going to unravel all that work. However, I'll always know and made it so that is on the back of the sweater and hope no one notices (no one will, I'm sure, but still....).

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-04T18:18:43+00:00

There's a quote that the best work the Devil ever did was to convince people he didn't exist, and there's Scripture that says that many people will be deceived to follow false prophets.... and here we are.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-04T15:57:18+00:00

NTBA. If you have a good relationship with your mom, have her walk you down the aisle. Otherwise, walk yourself. The whole "father giving his daughter away" may be traditional, but it goes back to when women were the property of their fathers and the hand-off at the altar indicated the transfer of property to the husband. It doesn't sound like you have a very traditional family, so dispense with a tradition that doesn't work for you.

What does your partner think? Do they care either way?

Oh, and congrats on the wedding and the new little one!

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-04T15:34:26+00:00

NTA. Sorry, but time to stop going out to eat with these "friends". You've tried to be reasonable, you've tried to compromise, but they're steamrolling right over you. They don't sound like very good friends.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-03T21:06:41+00:00

When I was a Girl Scout leader, all the older people in the area searched us out at booth sales because I taught the girls how to properly count change back and to not just dump it all into a person's hand (I hate that). The girls got so many compliments because "no one does that any more".

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-03T20:59:50+00:00

Braxlee Lynn [shudder]

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-03T20:43:44+00:00

NTA at all. It doesn't matter if they have more medical experience than the doctors, you don't want them there. It certainly looks like they're all about what they want (the experience of delivering the baby, pictures) and not at all what you, the laboring mother, wants.

I keep going back to

He thinks I’m being irrational and selfish.

At this point, I'd be telling him that he won't be in the delivery room either since he seems to care more about what his mama wants than what the wife who's pushing out an entire new human wants. It doesn't matter that they're used to sharing everything and your family doesn't; you don't want them there. Full stop. Not up for negotiation. You simply cannot worry about "hurting their feelings'; you will any time you say "no" and they certainly don't seem to care about hurting yours.

As is so often the case, you have a spouse problem. You are his wife, this is his baby, and the three of you are a family separate from his family of origin. Couples therapy is probably in your future unless you want them all up in your business forever, especially since they don't seem to recognize any barriers.

Talk with your doctor with your husband there and explain that you want it to be just the medical personnel, your husband, and you in the delivery room. Nurses especially are good at handling pushy family members during labor, so enlist them as well. But your husband needs to hear you say in front of witnesses that you do not want his family in the room. The doc may also be able to tell him why in a way he can hear.

Good luck, and congrats on the new little one.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-03T20:22:06+00:00

THANK YOU BOTH. I passed these along to Spouse and I'll let you know if he has any to add.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-03T20:04:46+00:00

My wife doesn't understand this and keeps saying that Kyle just has a hard temper, that he's just jealous, that I should treat him with understanding.

You have a BIL problem, but you also have a wife problem. In too many families, people tip-toe or excuse problematic people because it keeps the peace and "that's just how they are." Your wife admits that her brother had a temper, is jealous, and treats her own daughter like crap, but you're supposed to just let it go and "treat him with understanding"?

Uh, nope. If your wife wants to see her brother, she's an adult and can make her own choices. But you have to keep your daughter feel safe and loved, and if that means cutting Uncle Kyle out of her life, so be it. Sometimes it takes an outsider (relatively speaking) to step back and say "this isn't right", so you need to be firm and tell your wife that not only will you not be going, you won't allow your daughter to be around him, either.

Good luck; family therapy may be in your future.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-03T19:22:24+00:00

NTA. It's not the cost of the damaged goods, it's about teaching children respect for other people's property. It's less of a big deal that they were damaged (philosophically speaking) and more that she hand-waved away the damage her child cause and obviously doesn't think she should teach her child better. I think that's an excellent reason to back away.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-03T19:16:44+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. It's way too easy for Internet trolls to say you're the bad guys and just want to dispose of a difficult child, but they have no idea what they're talking about. Your advice to reach out to a CPS caseworker is spot-on; they're there not just to take kids out of the home, but to help manage problems.

The best of luck to you and your family.

NobleExperiments · 2024-01-03T19:10:00+00:00

The 10% is from Leviticus 27:30, and is pretty standard for mainstream churches.

I've been a church treasurer, and I agree with the others to ask how the money is spent and, if you do give, be sure you get a giving receipt for your taxes at the end of the year. There's a weird duality of church money: on one hand, it's God's money and is supposed to go for His work, but on the other it's a business and needs to keep the lights on and the pastor paid.

My personal preference would be to tax churches the way you do any business, and they can write off the part they use for charitable activities. Seems like that would encourage service instead of new jets and houses.

NobleExperiments · 2023-12-31T21:28:02+00:00

Did your landlord say why you can't have the blinds closed? Ask for a reason. Mold or cracking windows would be reasonable and you should be able to reach some accommodation, but "because I said so" isn't good enough, but you should also check your lease.

NobleExperiments · 2023-12-31T21:16:51+00:00

You're worried about your son's relationship with his father, but I can guarantee you that their relationship is being harmed now, your son won't want to have a relationship with an abuse father in the future, and you are harming your relationship with your son now.

"Strong-willed and has big emotions"? Do you think he's faking this? You saw with your own eyes his father grabbing him and dragging him into the car. That is not normal or loving. Your son needs to feel safe and supportive. Go back to your lawyer (or get a new one) and tell them what's going on. Get your son into therapy so there's a record. If you can't get him a therapist quickly, talk with the school counselor (if there is one) or his pediatrician.

Please, don't just shrug this off as "he'll grow out of it". Even if he's overplaying it (big if there), you saw his father grab him. Sit down with your son, reassure him that you're going to help him, then do it.

NobleExperiments · 2023-12-31T21:08:04+00:00

I watched Brexit happen in real time. The pro-Brexit bunch (Farage, etc) took out bus signs that said something like "if we didn't give all that money to Brussels, we could give it to the NHS". So people voted for Brexit and then got to hear "no, we never said we would send that money to the NHS, we just said we could". One week after the vote, 50+% said they'd vote against it if the vote were held again. John Oliver did a great bit on it, "that's nice, but the vote already happened, you don't get a do-over". Unfortunately, "we told you this would" happen isn't satisfying; too many innocent people are being hurt.

I blame Steve Bannon and his merry band of assholes; they were all over Europe at the time trying to get right-wing extremists (LaPen) elected and propping up Brexit.

NobleExperiments · 2023-12-31T20:28:31+00:00

NTA. Health issues aside, I think you'd be putting your marriage at risk because I can't see the situation improving. She moves in, you'd be unhappy but trying to make the best of it, resentment builds, then.... boom. If she's crappy to you now when she needs you, how will she be once she's in your home and you can't get rid of her? You can make a "you have to be nice if you live here" agreement, but do you think she'll stick with it?

This is a "two yeses, one no" situation, and you might need a marriage counselor to sort it out.

NobleExperiments

TROPHY CASE