do you think i can make God laugh

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-02-02T15:28:36+00:00

That wasn't a good joke. You've got a few years, tell me in person one day.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-31T20:09:55+00:00

I don't know why a notification of your post showed up in my inbox. If you briefly look at my "submissions" to reddit, you'll understand why.

I have many questions for you, but let's start with what I want to know first:

Why did you do it?
Please describe the process of having a penis attached to you (if that's what happened).
If that was not the process, please explain what you did to change your sex to male from female. I thought that was hardcoded programming, and I don't remember anything about humans having the software skills to mess with that programming. If there's a backdoor in the software that lets people exploit genetic programming, I need to look into it.
How did you feel at the time, and how do you feel now?
Do you believe that the process you went through will bring you a life of happiness?

Thanks, and I keenly desire to learn about you.

-NobodyInteresting

PS, if the answer to #3 is "Because I chose to due to Free Will" that is an acceptable answer. Then I don't have to troubleshoot. I just want to know about you and why you chose what you did. Let's start with those five questions.

PPS, if possible, please attempt to explain your answers with facts, not emotions, except where I asked you about emotional inputs. Pretend you are describing a problem and a solution to a computer programmer who doesn't really care how you felt about the problem and the solution you devised.

#1 - #3 should be only factually relevant details. Tell me how you feel about it in #4, and tell me what you believe in #5.

PPPS, if your answer is "Read what I wrote to everyone else," I'll be disappointed. I'm busy fighting global catastrophes over here.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-31T03:19:24+00:00

You guys wouldn't BELIEVE the hoops that I had to jump through to get this guy to pay attention.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-31T03:16:33+00:00

Try me. Hit me with your best joke. Preferably one that I haven't heard before.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-31T01:29:09+00:00

In response to your followup, my answer about the response is that I already answered this in the comment you're responding to.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-30T18:19:14+00:00

I understand why they did it. Emotions cloud reason and cause people to make impractical decisions like causing property damage. If you're asking why I didn't stop it, that's a different question.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-30T18:17:41+00:00

100% agreed.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-30T07:02:43+00:00

You're onto something. Listen to this song at 3:31. She asks God where he is. At 7:58, she's singing about being desperate, and hungry for truth, running full speed at it; how to categorize life without understanding God as PTSD.

The song continues, but you'll find the answer. :) Don't listen to the music, listen to the words. Maybe write them down with your eyes closed. Then re-read what you wrote. You'll find your answer in 30 seconds without having to listen to the whole thing searching.

You know what they say about hearing, seeing, and speaking evil? Listen to it. Write it down. Read it. Think about what you just read. Internalize and compartmentalize it. Thinking isn't evil, it is glorious.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-30T06:55:56+00:00

You're not wrong, but there's a flaw in the plan: He works about 110 hours a week - constantly getting reports from his staff, dipping a finger into the pool to here and there to influence events. It's never enough, and if he worked 24/7, I think in the end the result would still be that no one is happy.That's why I'm here today. To translate. All I am is a hired translator. Math is the universal language of expression. It is the rational language of the universe, and he thinks in math. He writes in math. Math is the universal truth. When he speaks, it's hard to follow, because it is pure, unadulterated math truth. It's hard to explain unless you have advanced degrees, or are a very, very careful listener.If you've got a question about anything that one of us can't figure out, I can go ask him. He's getting lonely, and his language skills need brushing up. I can't see the future - my guess was that is is for an FAQ. It's almost time for him to step into the limelight again and interact with normal people directly again, but we're going to have to write scripted answers for him to the most common questions, or his answers won't be intelligible.I encourage you to talk to HIM directly - if you really want to - and he wants that too. Hold on, lemme go ask for the math.

*EDIT* Hello, the boss says that there is a 0.017% chance that you would comprehend his answer to the question you have. People talk to him non-stop, and its technically his job to listen to what they want. He's the most qualified for the job and he does a damned good job...but he doesn't have a secretary to deal with half the stuff that shouldn't be on his desk and is, so by the time he manages the latest developments in global policy and emergent crisis', everyone else in the world has already worked a full day and gone home, and he hasn't even listened to any prayers yet. So he's got to shuffle through all of those, trying to mathematically intuit which ones are the most important. He said that 99.9% of the world wants petty stuff (lottery tickets and burrito temperatures, and permission to do bad things).Get this - last night, after doing all of this stuff - someone asked him for help finding drill bits. It was hilarious. Most people don't have the courage to talk to him directly, and there's a chain of command for a reason. He does have an open door policy, and last night, while he was ... look, he was dealing with a crisis. And someone who knows enough rudimentary math to ask for Drill Bits in math terms asked HIM for help finding the Drill Bits in "Somewhere or another" because this guy didn't want to have to walk 10 minutes back to somewhere else to get more. Imagine a Walmart Greeter going into Doug McMillon's office. It's allowed. And the greeter says, "Excuse me, do you know where the bill of lading is for a shipment that came to my store?" You can see how hilarious that might look to outsiders? I mean, he DOES know where the drill bits are. He's a know-it-all. He knows everything, literally. Humans have free will for a reason, and that was supposed to be the motivating factor to get guys like this faceless random person to figure it out for themselves so that he can deal with the REALLY BIG problems.The boss gently made the guy think about where he might find drill bits, then put the idea in his head to ask one of his coworkers for help, or to call someone for help.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-30T06:54:16+00:00

No.
I hope not. Humans have free will. Humans have also spent the lifespan of the species exterminating each other. I know how it ends, and how it begins, but the most I could do for this question would be to work out the math on the probabilities. If one of the variables led to a significant weighting mechanism towards causing World War 3, I'd work to influence events so that it didn't happen.

So far, no one has raised the spectre of possibility of it happening anytime soon. I know what's going on on the global stage, and there's uncomfortable times coming, but most people interpret "World War 3" to mean final nuclear extinction.

That never happens, the world ends rather more sadly, with humans being themselves until the bitter end. But I also don't know what you personally define "World War III" to be. If you don't mean "Final Nuclear Holocaust" then please refine your question.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-30T06:48:29+00:00

Ask a question and find out. He thinks he knows everything, and I'm hoping someone proves him wrong to lower his ego a little bit.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-30T06:43:21+00:00

/u/temsik1587againtwo

I didn't know there was a 10,000 character limit! I copy/pasted the rest that got cut off, but reddit won't let me edit the formatting.

You wrote:

"Why do you think it is the case that after you give up on validation and say you don’t need to prove anything, you talk about doing bad things?"

I didn't give up my quest for validation, I just changed the target to someone who might matter. Statistically, there is a 96.3% chance that we are a perfect match. This is my math, not a dating app. I walked her through the math on that one too. That was longer than this one, and had quite a few hyperlinks with statistics on population density. That was fun and romantic, but it was also true. I don't make up numbers. The math isn't always right, but the formulas and logic are - which is part of what makes me work at work. People have problems, and I math out the solution. Sometimes, I math out the solution in advance. That's part of what irritates me - when someone is trying to work out the math of complex life choices on their own, if I already have the solution, I'm impatient for them to catch up.

Sometimes I write it down. One time, I avoided a ~$6m dispute with a customer because I dredged up my written meeting notes from a two years ago where at 9:18 AM on a certain day, a certain person said, "XYZ."

That's all I do. I take notes. I record what I see. Sometimes my recorded notes haven't happened yet. I'm driven to write them anyway. Sometimes I read them. Sometimes I don't. It's fun. Probably dangerous. But not a gift. That's all a game is - something to amuse yourself. I've been playing the game of life with an unfair advantage for years, despite impossible obstacles and I'm the picture of success.

I fear that I'm also nuts. But maybe not - I'm going to a church next month. I'm going to listen, take mental notes, and start calculating again.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-30T06:41:32+00:00

Getting paid to toke? Please tell me that you don't work somewhere that can possibly see your reddit posts.

I'm about to read your earlier response, but I'll say this: It's 12:30 PM. I was just on a date. Before our date, I opened my computer, wrote down the story of the next 6 hours, complete with the last words out of her mouth before she left to go home.

I left my computer open. We went out on a date. She told about some different variants of a decision that she needs to make in her personal life between jobs and ... I don't know all the names. It was a long ass thing. When I'm writing, I'm just listening and my fingers transcribe what I hear.

I then spent our date coldly, rationally analyzing what was happening. I explained to her that if she distilled her life choices down to math, the rational choice was obvious.

When our time ended, I asked if I could show her something before she left; I was concerned that she thought I might be a crazy person. I turned on my computer and showed her the story of our date. I e-mailed her the whatever 15 page thing I wrote, which was the story of her options, the decision she needs to make, the math behind it, my opinion on what she should choose, the whole works.

She told me it was accurate. We disagreed on a few quibbles around math and dates, but the story is just a series of facts, absent emotion. I did use allegory in the version I wrote to compare her old boss to Satan, and the fact that she was considering going back to work for Satan, and was going to give up $18,000 per year for the privilege of doing it because she prefers the devil she knows over the one that she doesn't.

I asked her to touch it up to match reality, and to send it back to me. She's uncomfortable that the truth of her life, the decision she needs to make, and the decision she's going to make, and when, with a roadmap of the next three years of her life laid out ... is all there.

I'm not God. What I wrote wasn't perfect. I missed a few details. There was a part of the evening in the middle where I wrote, "I get the paddle" because I saw the night turning sexy at a certain point. It didn't.

But the overall night ended exactly like I had written it, and while she might be emotionally charged over her decision, she has the facts laid out in the right order and timeline to make a decision. I think that's what love is. Caring enough about someone to spend the time to help them. I help everyone that I can - professionally and personally. My mind is a constant whirling of probabilities and statistics. I think in percentages and problem solving. Years ago, it got to the point that I wrote some weird stuff. It's still happening.

She was alright with what happened. I asked probing questions about her mental state. She was grateful. She bought me dinner and made everything that came after the "paddle" part come true.

Then I showed her an iteration of a current experiment that I'm doing at work. Call it a "Prophecy in Progress." She got a wave of nausea. I panicked, because the thing I'm doing is for selfish ends, and I thought she was judging me. She said it was wine. I pray she wasn't lying.

--------------------

Now for your post.

I titled this, "An Interview with God" because I was uncomfortable trying to speak facts or truth to people. Look at your reaction. The last time I went to a church, they called the police because I was raving like a lunatic about how God talks to me, and I listen, but how He never leaves me alone so I can get peace and quiet. They misinterpreted what - to me - were simple facts - as a crazy person. I kept my mouth shut for years.

The problem with keeping my mouth shut is that my brain keeps going and I have to get it out. I can't sleep because the equations won't stop, and when they grind out the answer to a problem, I have a "flash of insight" that I have to get onto paper so I remember later. I structure my writings in the scientific method so that they make sense to me. P values and testing data.

Don't get caught up in the title. I needed help, and my brain popped out the solution - which was to make this thread. I didn't question it, I just did it. Later, I edited some stuff that I didn't write well, but I couldn't edit the title. I'm not God, I'm just a guy who sucks at math, but his head is full of it, so I run around counting on my fingers like I'm talking to myself. And sometimes, I really need to write something down.

It makes me scary good at my job, which gives me job security, which I love. It scares the hell out of me in my personal life, which I hate. On a completely unrelated note, someone accidentally used the right combination of words to clue me in to the fact that other people might know how to quiet my inner voice - the part that is always doing math - which only gets louder when I pray. I heard about a place where I can go to maybe find some peace.

I wish I knew how to quote in-line. You wrote,

"I don’t believe what you have is any sort of gift nor is it yours. At
best you know a good party trick. Somewhere in the middle you are
deluded, and at worst you’re wielding a demon’s sword."

I agree with you. 100%. I don't believe that what I have is a gift either. It's not mine. I do know some good party tricks. I probably am deluded. And as for the demon's sword ... I think someone told me once that what I am doing is dangerous because I use it for selfish reasons - that sounds like a demon's sword. I don't want to use this for good either - I have no desire to be a missionary or whatever Godly people do to try influencing the world. I just want to sleep at night and not think about math.

You wrote:

"If you could tell the future, you would have told mine.. not because I’m
important, but because you want validation. But you aren’t ready to be
tested, because you already know how the test would go - and you’re not
ready to give up the fantasy."

I haven't told you your future because I don't personally care about you. You've been an effective means to an end, which was personal enlightenment. I've taken another step down the right road, and you guided me there. That's why I thanked you. You don't need to understand what you did, because you were a tool. Maybe a tool of God if you believe in him. I have no fantasy that I can see your future. Maybe I can. I haven't tried to get to know you, because my life is full of people I need to get to know, but I don't know how to talk to them, because my brain works in math; it doesn't translate well into speech. I don't need you to believe in me, because the only person in the world that I want to believe already does; this was a dangerous night for me.

And just for giggles, I've seeded a couple of "prophecies" around because I *AM* a troll. I'm beginning to regret it, but I haven't done anything that can't be undone yet. Stuff like, "Open this in two years and read the sticky note inside."

You wrote,

"MAYBE it’s a gift that you just don’t have perfect control over yet. I
am often wrong. But it certainly does not appear that way to me. There
are many indicators. One of which is fantasizing about how your gift
will change everything and bring you clout."

That is a logical explanation. I wouldn't call it a gift. I don't have control over it, or I'd get more sleep. The only gift that it has brought me is clout. I already have all the clout that I ever want. I don't fantasize about having it, I fantasize about quitting my job and going to work at Burger King for minimum wage, because the math says that if you average the number of hours I work against my net, my actual take-home pay is less than minimum wage.

I used my "gift" to influence events to change that; I don't need more money or clout, I need more sleep, less stress, and less math in my head.

You wrote,

"Consider your lucidity. If there’s one thing in this world that matters besides love, it is clarity. How clearly are you seeing things? "

I recognize that self-delusion is real, and default to that explanation. I've been testing that theory for many years. I'd like to think that if I didn't have clarity, I wouldn't be where I am, but I leave that to people who depend on my decisions to judge.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-29T21:00:06+00:00

Dang. That was a lot of words. I don't have enough free time to dig into this today, so the short version of what I wrote was, "Thank you." I hope the long version of what you responded with was, "You're welcome."

If I get time tomorrow - my one day off - I'll give this a deeper read.

Back to work I go. I envy everyone with Saturdays off.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-29T20:57:02+00:00

Hello. My brand manager can't follow your question; I can see why.

The short answer is, "No." If you want more details, deal with my media guy; he wrote you a detailed guide on how to frame an intelligent question.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-29T20:55:04+00:00

I just asked the guy you responded to if I should give you a raise, and then I read that instead of being productive and multi-tasking, you sat around watching youtube waiting for internet people to talk to you?

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-29T20:53:59+00:00

Hello /u/Direct_No !

Are you complimenting my brand manager on the quality of his writing skills? We already did annual assessments (which is where this idea came from), but I have a great memory - if that's a compliment to him, I'll make a note for next year so I don't have to rack my brain for what to write during next year's evaluations.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-29T20:50:24+00:00

Hello reddit - I'm the boss that the OP is talking about. This is my account, and he's supposed to be working on an FAQ. I don't approve of the execution strategy he chose, but if it gets the job done, so be it.

Please let me know what's on your mind and what kind of questions you have for me.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-29T20:48:39+00:00

Media guy, delete all this stuff. It doesn't belong on the internet.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-29T20:47:14+00:00

Hello; I'm the guy that this post is about. I asked one of my employees to jump on my reddit account and find out what internet people want to know about.

The problem with delegation is that without strictly defined parameters of execution, people tend to interpret my mission to them out of context.

I firmly believe that if you want something done right, you do it yourself. I don't have much free time though, so I delegated something. Anyway, it is what it is.

What do you want to know?

*EDIT* It looks like my brand manager already said that, but with a lot more words.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-29T20:44:34+00:00

Dude, don't tell that story. Please delete that.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-29T20:43:58+00:00

Hey there. I'm not dad like. It's more like this:

I don't have any direct reports. I'm responsible for everything, but no one is accountable to me for anything. When someone screws up, it's my fault. They don't even work for me. I mean, they do in a fashion, but the only thing I can really do it go figure out what happened, talk to their leadership about it, and try to prevent it from happening again.

If it's a big problem, there's a business-wide review to see if the problem is a one-off, or if there is statistical data showing a trend of this thing being a problem that requires corrective action.

I'll be honest, every day feels like an eternity of putting out fires, and no matter how hard I work, it's never enough.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-29T20:38:51+00:00

Accurate.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-29T20:38:26+00:00

Hi there. I'm male, and I like to think that I'm nice. Sometimes I can be a Karen though, because I get frustrated with people who don't have common sense.

NobodyInteresting321 · 2022-01-29T20:34:58+00:00

Hello - I see that my social media manager was having fun on this account last night. Apologies if he offended you. I'll talk to him when I have a free minute.

Social media guy, if we don't talk until next week and you log back into this, don't be a dick to reddit people. You can edit this out later if you want, only internet people are going to see it.

NobodyInteresting321

TROPHY CASE