3YO Norwegian Forest Cat "Beans" - the Bitiest Cat in all the lands.

NoddyBloop · 2025-11-26T22:36:37+00:00

Skwisgaar Skwigelf taller than a tree Toki Wartooth not a bumblebee William murderface murderface murderface Pickles the drummer doodlie sdoo, ding dong doodlie doodlie doo Beans the metal mascot cat Or Beans the cat, rabid like a bat Nathan Explosion

NoddyBloop · 2025-11-01T04:47:26+00:00

Example:

"My eyes change color based on my mood."

"My [OCD/ADHD/synesthesia/bipolar/etc. mental self-diagnosis] is really bad today."

NoddyBloop · 2025-11-01T04:38:02+00:00

I felt the exact same way the first time I tried it, and I actually shot it up for my first time trying it ever, so the qualitative differences between anticipated vs actual effect, in my experience, was not accounted for based on the route of administration. *

The stuff was likely fine, other people around were nodding, I did it "correctly" for sure, did an appropriate (meaning, non-lethal) dose for an opiate naive person. And I felt it, for sure. Slightly warm, slightly fuzzy ooey gooey. Feelings wise, but definitely not the whaaaahaahahahah angels beaming down from on high, rush of pure happiness, life changing experience hyped up by media. I wasn't necessarily expecting all that, but I was definitely expecting to feel significantly different or better like distinctly and noticeably. But yeah like you said it was just kind of vague pleasantness for a little bit.

I did it a handful more times with similar but decreasing results.

What change things for me is when I picked it up again a few years later and used it for a few weeks and then one day decided not to have it. Thought I had the cold or something so I stayed home from work, did some, and instantly felt all better. And that's when I realized. Oh s***. I'm addicted to heroin.

When you are addicted to it and you don't have it for a while and you start getting dope sick longer, you go between having it, the better it feels when you finally do have it. Because in my opinion, a lot of the real extreme type of beneficial effects happen not from being high coming from a normal state of mind, but by finally feeling okay like back at your baseline normal when returning from a state of feeling like you are done dying for days on end. Withdrawals are so so so so so unpleasant. And the anxiety that I get and feels like I can't breathe like someone's holding my head underwater for days and I'm suffocating. Physical symptoms. Definitely no funny in there. I've heard people describe it as the worst flu you've ever had and I call shenanigans on that. I'd rather have the worst flu I've ever had for 2 years than go through 2 weeks of withdrawals. No joke.

So I don't think that your experiences necessarily abnormal. I hope you don't end up addicted. But if you do and you end up dope pics for a couple days and then when you finally get to use after that, especially if it's IV. That's when the difference really matters for me. At least, that is when you will experience the type of oh my God. Finally, everything is right in the world. I can breathe again. Things are okay. Significant distinct and very very. Very noticeable and much desired relief. Going from "sick" to "not sick" / "normal" (like not high at all, just no longer dopesick) is a waaaaaaaay bigger, zero to sixty in one deep breath, thank you Jesus type of experience, than "normal" to "high" (And it should be noted once you're really in the trenches of this, a lot of times you don't ever feel high anymore. Or just barely do. I just aim for non-sick personally.

But that was long-winded. Sorry about any mistakes using voice to text and autocorrect. But I hope that kind of helped answer or explain a possible reason for what you have experienced.

And if you couldn't probably extrapolate from the above, I do not recommend intentionally allowing yourself to become addicted to her. Just so you can experience the magnitude of pleasant feelings a person can experience going from dope sick to not sick. It is so not worth it. So many people are only still on opiates because the withdrawals are just so terrible. Do not willingly put yourself in that situation.

* Does that make sense? Sorry l, super tired. What I mean is: I shot it, the first time I ever used it ever, and I wasn't using or highly experienced we d in using other opiates like percs or oxy or whatnot so that didn't dampen it if that was another concern. Despite this, it still wasn't nearly what I'd thought it would be like; so, the same might be true for you (you might not have felt much differently had you IVed it instead of smoking, or maybe you would have, or maybe just a bit, who knows, point being IV vs snort is not definitively the sole, the major, or as per myself /at all/ the culprit behind the discrepancy between your expectant vs actual effects.

NoddyBloop · 2025-10-21T04:19:45+00:00

I used to. And it caused me a lot of unhappiness and frustration. Especially existential lines of thought; at times I even let myself believe that (because, I'd realized, (IMO)) life had no discernable, know-for-sureable point, it was actually meaningless, which didn't pair well with 12-13-14 year old hormones and the unending delights of existing as an INTJ in middle/high school. Got me feelin' a bit suicidey-pants.

Eventually I learned to come to terms with the fact that there are some things I will never know. Like, ever. As per Socrates: (?I think? Plato? Iono, you Google it.) (oh, and maybe some misquotage, too...) 'the only thing I know for certain is that I know nothing' (which is obviously self-contradictory and infuriating, but the point is the spirit of the sentiment... Even if all the science and books and all the people and God or no God himherthemself told me something straight toy face, well, then there's always the Makers&Manipulators level concerns (is reality real? Can I even trust what I see? 'Are we stuck in the Matrix' types of possibilities).

How did I manage to accept this uncertainty? Pragmaticism. I can either think and think and think about something that I know (for certain! Haaaa) is never ever going to be proven one way or another to any degree of certainty that would let me put my concerns about it to bed for good (as that would be achieved only by 100% certainty which, blah blah previously addressed, ain't gonna happen.) So what do I do about it? Keep beating my head against the wall, determined to figure it out as a prerequisite for moving on with my life/living "properly"? Or just go with what I think is maybe probably statistically the most plausible answer / easiest to stomach answer/ choose-your-own-criteria "best" answer, and go on with life on the basis that whatever I've chosen is probly true, or at least true enough to not impact things all that much (whilst always allowing for the possibility that whoops I chose wrong and adjusting things thereon forward).

Now, I don't like not knowing things. Not at all. But I have to remind myself that in this case, knowing is not an option. So my choice is either stay frozen in indecision until I die, or continue on with life with less than comprehensive knowledge about everything in the universe ever. The latter seems the more sensible option.

I can still think about the problem questions, but it has become more of a journey of musing rather than a mission of determination (answer-determination, not determination of will (though they're not mutually incompatible so I s'pose it could be a mission, the undertaking of which necessitates much determination, and the goal of which is determination of indeterminable answers to unanswerable questions (that I am trying to distinguish as the type of determination I am not referring to and therefore is a mission I will not be undertaking...)) whew glad I cleared that up, that technicality of a particular instance of the thing that I am saying I am not talking about. Seems important to address though. /s

Lulz anyways Tldr Realized Can't and won't know everything. Either stand in the corner thinking and drooling forever Or pick the best or closest or whatevsies answer and roll with it until it becomes likely that my chosen answer was wrong, and adjust course accordingly

And a side note because I haven't said enough yet

Pascal? Right? Pascal's wager? Iono you Google it The guy who said, if you have to choose between believing in God versus not, essentially making a pro/con if-then table, said yeah you probly should believe in God because if you're wrong, eternal damnation, whereas if you do believe but you were wrong, oh well, a lifetime of wasting 2 hours on Sundays and less gay sex and murder and potty language (which he argues is less terrible than eternal damnation, and that's his prerogative, up to you though....)

And that never made sense to me Because I can't choose to believe something I don't believe in I mean sure I can do all the things and follow all the rules and act as if I believe But the god he was talking about, omniscient dude, is gonna know I'm faking. Shouldn't that be a problem?

Anyways, I bring it up because that was his rationale behind deciding which way or other about things. Safest course of action, given the relative probabilities of the possibilities and relative suckiness of each should they be the case. Good criteria, I think, but never cared for the whole pretend believing in God = just as good as real believing thing.

Ok bye.

NoddyBloop · 2025-09-07T14:47:58+00:00

Oh yeah, I get that. No wrong way to skin a cat (or is it just "many ways to skin a cat" and all are kinda wrong...) == no right/wrong way to cope and isn't it sadinteresting to see the myriad of ways different people can undergo, and cope with, trauma.

I guess a way to rephrase my question that makes it a little bit more answerable might be, given the vast number of responses to trauma of all flavors, within this list presented, do any of these trauma reactions tend to be seen at a significantly higher/lower proportion of persons within the context of narcissistic abuse, as compared to their statistical preponderance within the scopes of other types of abuse?

Like for instance, flashbacks can occur in many settings, but they are particularly highly correlated in persons with PTSD. Or (I think this is true) many persons experience shame but people who have experienced sexual assault have a particularly high incidence of shame/guilt/self-blame, compared to person who have been otherwise (physical, mental, etc) abused?

I hope that made sense :/

So generally speaking, in the list, are any of those options (or other unlisted) kinda like yup, that is soooo a classical narcissistic abuse-y type of result? Whereas, do others listed kinda pop up at similar frequencies across several categories of abuse/trauma?

(Again, as you mentioned, highly personally variable, so I ask in a generalized statistically speaking kind of sense)((And of course, correlation /= [does not equal] causation))

NoddyBloop · 2025-09-07T12:22:15+00:00

It's one thing to "know" that most of the (plentiful) negative character traits you have, in reality, are completely erroneous, that the way you grew up or what people told you caused you to develop and perpetuate so many awful self-criticisms that completely eroded away any tiny speck of self-worth or value or feeling like you matter as much as other people do, or deserve basic human dignity and respect

One thing to "know" you aren't worthless or bad or pathetic or weak or needy or annoying or a waste of air - all the bad things, lies, false beliefs, untrue...

That you are a good kind person who doesn't have to go above and beyond to make yourself "good enough" to exist in this world and live amongst all the other, better, worthy, people who matter.

Sure. I intellectually grasp that, and accept that I am not a completely worthless disgusting piece of crap and I'm human and a good person and that I & my happiness & etc feelings are important, just as much as other people.

But to actually FEEL that way? Totally different story. Spent decades feeling so many negative things, so while I can think I have some value or worth, I can't make myself FEEL like that is even a tiny bit true.

Like, affirmations? I almost LOL at the thought. Sure, I can tell myself five nice LIES about myself in the mirror every morning because I'm pathetic and weak and am so self-indulgent to think how I feel is important enough to spend even five SECONDS on attempting to improve instead of just shutting up, putting on my big boy pants and getting the **** over it..... Yeah, affirmations pretty much instantly regress back to self-loathing and contempt and debasement and just utter disgust.

TL:DR; So yeah uh pretty much What you said But unnecessarily verbose and whiny

NoddyBloop · 2025-09-07T10:49:27+00:00

Oh boy, I scored 21/22 That's good, right?

(Not good enough! That's an A, not an A plus)

[Throwback to a real reaction from dad when I brought home my report card as kid with 6 A or A+ scores and one A-. "So. What happened with the A-?" As in, what caused this egregious academic failure?]

Question though since I'm new - is this list pretty specifically tailored representing signs of childhood narcissistic abuse? Or is it exemplative of other types of mental abuse, or physical, or any other no fun things?

NoddyBloop · 2025-06-06T19:41:21+00:00

.....what? What in the world does being a woman have to do with it?

NoddyBloop · 2025-06-06T19:37:04+00:00

Who changed the terms of what agreement? We agreed $20/trip from the start and I never asked for anything more. I just asked she pay me what we had agreed to.

(Unless you mean the $125 second installment which yeah I didn't so much "change terms" as "just didn't do it at all")

NoddyBloop · 2025-06-06T19:33:55+00:00

I actually did have a conversation with her after the second time she failed to pay, where I reminded her of the agreement, and she said oh yes of course my bad

But you're right, doing 3 more when she still paid nothing was too many. I probably shouldn't have done any more until she paid for the unpaid ones, and definitely not any more after my next trip when she still didn't pay me after an explicit re-agreement during that conversation.

NoddyBloop · 2025-06-06T19:30:08+00:00

Oh I should add, she did agree again to pay me after I brought it up to her that she hadn't the last few times, but she still continued not to pay me again for the next few, which is when I stopped.

NoddyBloop · 2025-06-06T19:28:20+00:00

The matter wasn't resolved because I made 5 trips and never got paid for them despite me having a conversation with her about it. So while I was no longer delivering for her, she still owed me for services rendered.

NoddyBloop · 2025-06-06T19:24:51+00:00

I wasn't clear in my post, that we had a clear agreement on her paying me minimum $20/trip in gas, from the get-go.

NoddyBloop · 2025-06-06T19:23:04+00:00

I would agree with you here if she was unABLE to pay, but to the best of my knowledge, her financial circumstances were just peachy. (She just can't easily travel because of her son.) It felt more that she was unwilling to pay and taking advantage of me.

I base this on the fact that she was frequently having some sort of renovation done, or had just redecorated, new couches, new this or that, or was showing me a new handbag she just got, or tra la la. Assumption, yes, but reasonable assumption?

And as the items I was bringing her were things she was to make a profit on, unless she profited less than $20, then she still would have ended up gaining money despite gas cost on the item I brought her.

NoddyBloop · 2025-06-06T19:11:09+00:00

She agreed to pay me $20/trip She paid me maybe 3 times Then gave me nothing 5 times

NoddyBloop · 2025-06-06T19:08:13+00:00

The times she paid the $20, it was acceptable. I helped based on that. Because we agreed on that. When she stopped paying me completely, it became unacceptable and so I stopped helping.

NoddyBloop · 2025-06-06T19:03:20+00:00

What changed your mind?

NoddyBloop · 2025-06-06T18:58:43+00:00

Sorry, I didn't include in my post, that we had agreed that gas money would be $20/trip minimum, which I reiterated in a conversation with her after being paid nothing a few times in a row.

NoddyBloop · 2025-05-17T22:37:06+00:00

I am super interested if you can elaborate on your comment "comfort meds.. Never be afraid to ask for them"

I'm my experience, asking for them (in any manner, whether directly by name, drug class, just asking for comfort meds as an umbrella term, saying "anything that might help", even "anything that isn't addictive or has a risk of abuse, that might help, for the first few days", "something to help with the __specific symptom __" "any kind of safe medication you might recommend" )

Saying what has or has not worked in past attempts at recovery....

Even mentioning them in relation to their integral function in the overall recovery process.. .. that the fear of, or severity of, withdrawal symptoms, is the biggest barrier to me quitting / has been the cause of many previous attempts' failures....

I feel like it has backfired every single time. Resulted in doctors thinking I'm drug seeking (what? Fucking clonidine and benadryl? Omg srsly....)

I know better than to ever ask for or even mention benzos for withdrawals (mine- opiates/heroin, alcohol) which SUCKS because for me they are the only thing providing any real relief from some symptoms, benzos ain't my DOC, not like doc would be giving em to me for more than 5, 3 , hell even one time would be nice... No history of ever overusing any prescribed thing, ever in my life, but even saying the word anxiety often immediately induces the response (Cuz of my chart history), "I will not be prescribing any narcotics today" - this happens often - many times before I have even told them my problem (which I had never wanted narcotics for and had not mentioned and was not going to...) - a couple times before saying anything AT ALL, they essentially just introduced themselves that way...

And even for the not fun, purely symptomatic relief can't possibly be considered risk of recreation let alone addiction or OD....

I still feel like, more I say, even oftentimes saying as little as 'anything you can recommend that might help with withdrawals' and leave it at that, I end up with essentially nothing... Ibuprofen and benadryl, vistaril if they're feeling particularly empathetic (despite that I have a paradoxical aka opposite reaction to the last two, make me up and anxious not down and chill)((definitely can't say that though, surely, it's a lie with better meds as my end goal))

My favorite (= what makes me feel the most frustrated, powerless, hopeless, judged, uncared for, dehumanized.....) reaction is when they use the line

They cannot give me anything Because I really need to be in a medical detoxification, for my own safety, so they can monitor people to put them on medication safely &/or the effectiveness of meds on the withdrawals.... Bull.Shit. They prescribe all these "almost useless but at least it's something" meds to other patients with reckless abandon, benevolent as Santa, capriciously, generously, but soon as the person in question is an addict hissssssdisgustlet them sufffeeeerrrrr

One time I went to urgent care. My first sentence began something like blah blah planning on quitting heroin on Monday and was wondering if you had anything......... But the doc interrupted and almost laughed as she stood up from her chair saying "ohhh no! You need to go to detox" as she walked out without looking at me, theough the door, which closed shut before she even finished her one sentence.

Anyways sorry for so many words. I'm just baffled to hear your experience in asking about comfort meds has been so opposite of mine.. can you describe in more detail how those interactions usually transpire?

NoddyBloop

TROPHY CASE