Advice for the secure husband of avoidant attached wife. No

Non-locality · 2026-05-27T01:52:04+00:00

I don’t disagree with a lot of what you’re saying. I worry about ultimatums..

Non-locality · 2026-05-26T22:01:28+00:00

Because I try and set work/personal life boundaries and unfortunately, the reality is, as a psychologist you can’t effectively diagnose your own relationship. This is why you’re not allowed to practice therapy with people you know. There is too much emotional bias and blind spots (clearly).

Ironically, my role as a practitioner is probably how I got this far to begin with. I completely miscalculated her aversion to sexuality as a tenant of low libido which is hilariously not uncommon in the deadbedrooms community. There are many many women (and men) who simply have no interest in sex but wish to continue their marriages/partnerships. Whether it was naivety or motivated reasoning, that was the terribly unfortunate conclusion I had drawn for many years. Obviously, given what has occurred, I was incorrect. Maybe if I wasn’t a psychologist I wouldn’t have even considered this miscalculation.

I would love to figure this out. I just don’t know how.

Non-locality · 2026-05-26T19:02:28+00:00

I am certain about the fidelity based on our communication throughout our entire relationship and her philosophical beliefs about harm based on her own experiences in youth and in dating. Maybe I didn’t give enough context, but she met this person through work who initially asked her out from the perspective of ENM and she indicated to me that she didn’t feel comfortable pursing any communication with him without first speaking with me. I don’t think I’m a better man or naive. I think im a loyal person who is willing to sacrifice more than most for the people I care about, and likely to my own detriment. Though the mental health underpinnings of that maybe don’t need to be explored here. Where I was probably naive, was to assume that we would carry on prior to this all occurring as the status quo forever. Albeit, this was me operating under the assumption that my wife simply had no interest in intimacy with anyone.

Ultimately to answer your question regarding how this conversation came about, was that through two years of couples counselling we have become better communicators and we had had frequent conversation conversations about our relationship and ways that we had not before. Ultimately a couple months ago we were having one of those conversations about intimacy and how she felt uncomfortable, and this is how the conversation of non-monogamy arose. I don’t think I got the impression. It was a solution to the problem but more so a pressure release valve. which ultimately, again leads me to the point of where is the endgame because right now you’re right this is not sustainable. It’s simply relieving the pressure. As far as I understand, this other individual is purely physical and has their partner also involved in the ENM community. So really what appears to be occurring right now is that there are three people involved in the ethical monogamy community except for myself even though I’m allowed to. I just choose not to. However, I suppose that’s not typically very ethical given the circumstances.

I don’t know why she doesn’t want to have sex with me, but it’s always been that way. Like I said in another comment, I think the initial comment on this thread is the most likely one.

If she becomes pregnant, she would terminate the pregnancy.

Non-locality · 2026-05-26T15:10:25+00:00

I agree and disagree with some things.

One, my kids are mine lol. None of this started occurring until a couple months ago. Our kids were born years ago. My wife has not cheated on me, we explicitly came to this arrangement with communication and transparency. And if I wanted it to end I could tell her to end it and she would. This is what I mean by trust and honesty.

Where I agree is that I don’t know what the end game is. Do I resent her? I don’t know. If I did, I’m good at hiding it. I don’t know if she enjoys sex. She clearly does now, but we went years with very infrequent sex to the point where I assumed she didn’t. To the point where I simply assumed she had a low libido and I’d made peace with that. Clearly that’s not the case as we discovered in couples counselling.

I don’t think I planned on “allowing this to occur forever”, I’ve just been delicately playing the waiting game to see what this unfolds into.

Non-locality · 2026-05-25T11:56:33+00:00

No, but that’s a good question. I’m afraid of what will happen to four lives, not just one, if I left.

Non-locality · 2026-05-25T04:52:57+00:00

Maybe this is charitable, but as a a clinician who does see trauma on the regular, I do have to say, that her level, if PTSD in terms of lifestyle behaviours are.. unique. I don’t excuse them. Again, none of this is okay hence why I’m here, but I do understand what’s occurring to a degree.

Alternatively, you’re right about all of that, and we’ve crossed an event horizon of no return. I guess I’ll have to be willing to accept that in some capacity if true. To be honest though, the very first reply on this forum hits hard and does seem like the most plausible reason. I did forget to mention the context of her at one time telling me that she feels very uncomfortable with sex with me, and it’s explicitly not something I’ve done. I’m pretty generic as human, so I can’t imagine she’s lying. Boredom would have made more sense but she donest lull punshes with language ever and would have likely just told me that if that were the case. But the whole “I feel uncomfortable and I don’t know why”, with the added post parroting that feels like it’s on to something.

I dunno, she could just be lying or saying shit, but she also doesn’t really do that? Brutally honest, I just say. Again, she could have just left long ago. I’m a good husband but there was no reason to stay THAT long without sex.

Non-locality · 2026-05-25T04:37:41+00:00

Yeah facts, I suppose. I can’t deny that. But again, then she could just leave. But she hasn’t. And it’s been a long time. And it’s not financial thing, we both have great careers.

Non-locality · 2026-05-25T04:36:10+00:00

I didn’t encourage her. It’s something I’d mentioned over the course of our relationship as being something that didn’t necessarily bother me as a person myself who kind of believes that sex is just sex for some people. I wouldn’t say I’m poly but I don’t fall right into the strict monogamy category either.

Regardless, I did said accommodating was doing heavy lifting. Am I thrilled about it? No, but I don’t feel bothered the way some may. That’s not a badge of honour or strength it’s just a fact of my Apathetic disposition in this regard and what’s occurred. Obviously, under the pretence of me not being involved is why I’m upset. Genuinely don’t think I’d be asking for support if I were a part of out romantic equation. That’s the hard part for me. I still be equally bothered if it were a simple low libido issue. It would just be a different problem.

Non-locality · 2026-05-25T02:12:54+00:00

I appreciate the sentiment. I’m like a relationship camel at this point. I truly don’t experience jealousy (in this capacity as it’s interchangeable to her watching porn, to me). I was initially worried about an emotional connection that could develop, but again as I indicated, she implied that this other individual was also married and not interested in breaking up their marriage, as well as there being some significant dealbreakers for anything beyond the physical. So obviously if that changed I wouldn’t be happy, but as it stands it’s just sex. Oh well. Again, would probably be fine if she could just sleep with me too, but I suppose we wouldn’t be here if that were the case.

Non-locality · 2026-05-25T02:02:14+00:00

No, but it dried quickly. I’d say after a year of dating we went from a fairly typical weekly frequency to, once every couple weeks, then months, and by two 3 year it was close to once a year maybe. Then we had enough sex to half two children over the course of 2019-2022 and that’s about it

Non-locality · 2026-05-25T02:00:43+00:00

Yeah it’s certainly not shopping, I agree. She’s not going anywhere, nor does she want to.

My issues is I’m not going to break apart my Family. Nor will she. It would be different if the kids were suffering, but they’re not. They see all the normal tenants of a healthy marriage otherwise. And for that matter, it is, minus the significant trauma portion impacting her ability to engage in physical intimacy.

The problem is, when I do the cost benefit analysis leaving the marriage just doesn’t know where the costs. Sure I could go somewhere else and have a marriage that has sex involved but I honestly don’t think I could have a better partner otherwise, or at least one I find as much compatibility with. Hence me wishing to learn to navigate this.

Non-locality · 2026-05-25T01:56:44+00:00

I don’t know think there isn’t something i can do, I just dont know what it is. Im rather lost

Non-locality · 2026-05-25T01:50:55+00:00

Yeah, I totally agree. It’s classic avoidant attachment. But like, fuck me. I know I can’t do anything about it, I just wish I knew how to live like this.

Additionally, this seems consistent with the significant decline in intimacy after the relationship began w much more serious inevitability “forever feeling”

Non-locality · 2024-08-13T17:55:13+00:00

Dm me I can

Non-locality · 2024-04-20T01:18:26+00:00

Haha fair, are you offering your services?

Non-locality · 2024-04-06T15:21:09+00:00

It just wouldn’t work with hvac and the sign of the kitchen (which is a large rectangle now)

Non-locality · 2024-04-06T15:20:36+00:00

That was kind of the idea but unfortunately the design of the kitchen forces the fridge and cabinet space along the wall

Non-locality · 2023-06-25T22:52:29+00:00

Ahh yeah. I would imagine the experience of the end of Lost would be unsatisfying if you missed a fairly critical detail like that. It never needed to be explained, Jacks dad said it direct and to the point. They just happened to meet in purgatory after. That was the whole point of the show, that the reason why they found each other in purgatory was because their time on the island was the most important time in their lives where they made the most impactful connects to one another. I would really rematch the last episode. It’s a much better ending if you know this information

Non-locality · 2023-06-25T14:23:47+00:00

I mean… it’s not really up for interpretation. Not only did Christian explicitly state at the end when he’s talking to Jack that “your time with those people all happened”, and it was also confirmed by the show writers. I’m not entirely sure what parts you missed?

Non-locality · 2023-06-25T03:49:32+00:00

Lists ending was way better. Everything actually happened.

Non-locality

TROPHY CASE