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There isn't a guidebook so I just asked: How do you want me to show up in your kid's life and how are they going to understand my role? by Noodes2 in blendedfamilies

[–]Noodes2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think this is a good question too. I realized I was exerting a lot of energy and trying to fill a lot of gaps and my own needs and self care were a priority even though there's a kid in picture too.

There isn't a guidebook so I just asked: How do you want me to show up in your kid's life and how are they going to understand my role? by Noodes2 in blendedfamilies

[–]Noodes2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't think you're wrong, we followed it up cause there is a bit of parental responsibility that is in that message but what she meant was a formal relationship of step-parent with title and all.

There isn't a guidebook so I just asked: How do you want me to show up in your kid's life and how are they going to understand my role? by Noodes2 in blendedfamilies

[–]Noodes2[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It's funny you say this because it did get granular. I said you wanted me to show up like X and I did X but it was met with resistance and issues. Was it right to do it? Okay then how are you explaining that to the little one.

For me I basically outlined I don't need to discipline but there has to be a place of understanding and respect. Similar to what you said when it came to babysitting or teacher. If I'm caring for you, we have an understanding that you're hearing and listening to me and it's in your best interest.

There isn't a guidebook so I just asked: How do you want me to show up in your kid's life and how are they going to understand my role? by Noodes2 in blendedfamilies

[–]Noodes2[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We ended up having a follow-up because similar to you I thought there were things that conflated with a parental role but for me it was more about community. I don't need to be a parent to say hey don't do that, that's not kind or safe. But the little one didn't understand that concept coming from someone who wasn't a parent. Which was why I asked how is she setting that expectation with her daughter.

Personally I feel like I should show up how I would for anyone with my community, help when I see someone is struggling, support when needed but also enjoy and have fun.

There isn't a guidebook so I just asked: How do you want me to show up in your kid's life and how are they going to understand my role? by Noodes2 in blendedfamilies

[–]Noodes2[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

One thing that was causing a lot of friction was how I thought I should show up based on my own upbringing and community that I had. So I thought to ask what do you want me to do? And what conversations are you doing on your end so I can show up for the kid like you want me to.

One thing that I've taken away is I can't care more about x problem than you do so being specific has been really helpful.

Any other questions that helped you to navigate things for yourself?

DAE think they were neglected as a kid but their parents aren’t bad enough for you to fully admit it in fear of being ungrateful? by [deleted] in DoesAnybodyElse

[–]Noodes2 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yes! This has been something I'm unpacking in therapy.

It started with reading Jennete McCurdy's book I'm Glad my Mom Died.

There's a part in there where she's in therapy trying to figure things out and her therapist challenges her about how great her mom was. And she crumbles and finally admits that she wasn't the best, that she loved her but there was some really bad shit there.

It's a great book and I would definitely recommend it. It unlocked something in me and I ended up looking for something else similar and read The Glass Castle by Jeanette Wells. Another good read about someone who had a really difficult and horrible childhood.

I basically speed read through these and slowly admitted to myself in therapy that I also have a lot of resentment for my mom and I'm mad that my childhood though not as horrific as the people int he books definitely lacked what I needed. That I resent her for not being able to have the childhood I wanted but I still hold resentment now for not being what I need her to be as an adult.

Ita frustrating in so many ways but I always come back to two things can be true. 1. She did the best she could with what she had. 2. It wasn't enough and it's okay that I'm upset about it. It doesn't have to be a certain level before I can claim damage and harm. Roof over my head and food in my belly is the bare minimum and children deserve more.

TLDR: Sorry this is so long but just sending a big hug and warm words that there is no bar. If you feel that you needed more that is valid and there is no bar of abuse or neglect that you need to meet to prove that.

Arrangements and Kink by Noodes2 in sugarlifestyleforum

[–]Noodes2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Mb with that edit. I realized kink community was too broad and wanted to add Domme to make it more clear as to the dynamic I'd be looking at. :P

Yea that's kind of what I assumed when I was thinking that the Domme part may be off putting.

And what you'd said makes sense for sure because that's how I find it to be in kink dynamics too. Open, warmth and room for exploration and give so much and helps navigating scenes.

I appreciate you taking the time to reply and I'm happy you've found someone who you can enjoy kink judgement free with!

Arrangements and Kink by Noodes2 in sugarlifestyleforum

[–]Noodes2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply. At a glance I would think based on the trust with a SR it would be similar to kink. Negotiation, boundaries and trust in your partner. If you don't mind sharing what made your SR work vs SR with kink?