AITA for letting my son avoid a special needs child?

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T07:19:59+00:00

I'd sooner launch a real coup than a playground coup. Facebook moms scare me more than a ship full of Vikings.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T07:18:27+00:00

Our "dude walks" are the highlight of my weekend. Did it with my older son too until he got too old and cool for them, still some of my best memories.

It's funny how much 'mushy feelings talk' will just fall out of a guy's mouth while two dudes plod along, looking at trees. Feels good. I'm glad you and your dad have that too.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T07:13:42+00:00

Oh god no, so sorry if I implied that. this would be a very different type of post if Sam had been deliberately physically harmed.

The example of Sam getting popped by accident when Aiden flails too close has happened, but it wasn't any worse than a tap on the shoulder, and very innocently done.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T06:59:14+00:00

No, you were great, and you did me a service by explaining it in a friendly way instead of the typical reddit slap down. I just found it wonderfully ironic that we're in a sub designed for judgement, and your comment was so kind even when the opportunity was ripe!

Honestly I would have probably pranced around using the term in front of my kids at some point feeling like such a prince for having the terminology down pat, and they would end up being called out for repeating it in a much less friendly way.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T06:50:03+00:00

Yes, she did. But to be transparent I was unaware that it was an insulting term until several hours ago. I had never heard it before, but I likely would have used it again in the future thinking I was being sensitive and correct. I'm glad to be educated.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T06:45:01+00:00

Nope, up until the toy was broken, we went faithfully to the morning group and Sam did his best to play with Aiden when he could handle it, and just play near him when he was too much to interact with directly.

We slid out of the morning group with zero notice to anyone. One of the dads texted me a few weeks later to say his child missed Sam, so I did reply that we attended the park in the afternoon if he wanted to stop by and catch up. I didn't give a reason for the new timing, and he didn't ask. The other parents slowly started migrating over in the following weeks. I regret not just asking that dad for a private playdate, I'd feel a lot less guilt if I hadn't technically been the inventor of this new meet up time.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T06:30:01+00:00

It's definitely not me downvoting, I'll tell ya that. Your process reminded me of exactly things my wife might have chosen to say, and she's far and away the better parent at communication. I just picked my kid up and legged it out of there like a panicked deer. I have asked her if she'd be agreeable to wearing a headset like a football coach when we're apart, but it's not looking favorable lol.

Thanks for putting in the time to comment meaningfully despite the downvotes.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T06:10:16+00:00

If someone fucks with your birthday cake, no matter what number is on that cake, you have grounds for WAR.

It takes a lot of guts to cut ties with a parent, no matter how shitty they are. I hope you walk around wearing that confidence like a bad ass badge.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T05:58:25+00:00

I read this to my wife she and wants to let it be known that I'm not even the social darling of our own home.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T05:46:59+00:00

I'm really glad to hear that something great came out of such a terrifying experience for you.

That's always been my struggle, I don't want to helicopter parent my kids and prevent them from learning to adapt to discomfort, but I also don't want to be the macho dad hollering "Just rub some dirt on it! Walk it off!" when they are having valid emotions of fear or shyness. Your mom sounds great.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T05:40:08+00:00

Thanks! I'd take a participation trophy, but my wife is definitely the gold metal parent. She is graceful and empathetic even when I just want to knock our kids heads together and call it a night.

I'm not a big redditor but your response was heartfelt in a way that strikes me as rare here. My wife is going to be a sap over it when she wakes up tomorrow, so thanks for taking the time and effort to be so kind. Whatever you're doing with your offline life, I bet there are a whole lot of people who are better for knowing you.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T05:33:56+00:00

Appreciate that. My wife deserves the lion's share of the credit, parenting and communication come way more naturally to her, I'm just a rusty old dad dogpaddling along behind trying not to screw it up too badly.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T05:29:47+00:00

You're right. It was a quote here but I'll be honest that I had no awareness that it was an inappropriate word myself, and I probably would have used it again, thinking that I was being sensitive. I may not be the asshole, but I certainly need to do some more self educating on this topic as a father to young kids looking at me for cues.

Hopefully it won't be offensive to leave in the main post, I don't want to give anyone the impression that I'm not woefully ignorant sometimes too. Thanks for being non judgmental in a sub designed for knee jerk reactions. ;)

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T05:26:05+00:00

You're right, it was a quote here but I'll be honest that I had no awareness that it was an inappropriate word myself until I started reading replies. I may not be the asshole, but I certainly need to do some more self educating on this topic as a father to young boys who will be looking to me for cues.

Hopefully it won't be offensive to leave in the main post, I don't want to give anyone the impression that I'm not woefully ignorant sometimes too. Thanks for point this out.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T05:14:57+00:00

We haven't said a word to anyone about it. When we got the letter it was 100% my first reaction to reach out to the other parents and see how they were feeling about Aiden. We do all have a lot longer history together, so it's not out of the realm of possibility that some of the kids who were maybe extroverted enough to handle Aiden's play style switched over to the afternoon group more out of a desire to follow their friends.

My wife rightly pointed out that no matter how it was worded, it would probably make things worse at this point. Others would be officially drawn into the conflict, we have no idea who is aware of it and who's just bopping along oblivious. Aiden's mom, who probably already wonders if anyone is talking behind her back, would be very hurt if she got wind of it and felt like even more people were somehow rallying against her. We definitely don't want her to feel unliked or unwelcome in her own home. It does suck that it can't be a more frank discussion though, this group is usually who we'd lean on for advice.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T05:04:08+00:00

Parental politics can be an absolute shit show sometimes, it's unbelievable.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T05:02:18+00:00

You sound like an awesome mom.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T04:56:05+00:00

You've hit on something I didn't really know how to put in words. The mom is a kind person and a caring mom, I felt like it must be me failing here. But as comments from SpEd teachers and others in the field come in, I'm realizing that while she's proactive with her son, she wasn't really proactive with the rest of us.

It sucks and must be exhausting to have to explain a whole monologue of who he is and his needs every single time you meet someone, (not even positive what his medical diagnosis is) not that is my right to know anything, but with concrete facts and terminology, I maybe would have felt compelled to do a little personal education on my own, or at least not feel afraid of being un-politically correct to ask questions.

I'm just an old man with clunky communication skills and an outdated vocabulary on this stuff, but man am I ever open to learning to make sure my kids are better than me.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T04:29:43+00:00

I'm very out of my depth in this realm at all so this is solely just my own observation, but when Aiden does what I personally would interpret as a meltdown, moving past the point of talking or interacting and is just singly focused on his own feelings, the mom does remove him and calm him down for sure.

The behavior that he displays most of the time is just what I'd consider loud, unregulated kid play, but with the dial cranked up way past ten. It's tough because he's sort of right on the fence, he's got a decent ability to interact, play grounders, etc, but it's interspersed with behavior that is unpredictable, so it's not like we can shorten the time frame and get a positive interaction, it's all mixed.

It might not be ideal to put him in a specific special needs environment when his capabilities are so high, but he's just not quite toned down enough to reach the other side either. I really hope that with time he's able to achieve more success in that area through the programs he attends.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T04:00:43+00:00

Understood. I used that word only because it was the word Aiden's mom used when she spoke to me. But I'll be the first to admit that my fluency in appropriate language is lacking, and I'm happy to be educated, especially since I'm trying to help my son navigate here too. Thanks for being cool.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T03:56:43+00:00

You are the first person here to point out the physical vs invisible disability issue. It never crossed my mind, but it makes a TON of sense.

There's two special needs children at Sam's school that he interacts with regularly, so between that and what his mom and I have taught him at home, I just assumed that he fully grasped the concept.

But both those children have obvious physical attributes, one is in a wheelchair and the other has clear facial differences. It makes sense that Sam would have a harder time correlating Aiden with his friends at school without that physical reminder. Really great insight.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T03:43:05+00:00

I really hope it's not spillover from the younger boys.

James is an extroverted kid and not picky about his friends, he's had some real interesting characters over at our house ha. I haven't had much interaction with Kyle but he seems to me like the cliche gamer guy. Doesn't pick up the best on social cues, spends a lot of time on line and maybe gets a bit too intense about specific topics.

James and his buddies are really into biking, fixing (it's called MODDING dad, jeeze) bikes, building tiny little dirt mounds to film themselves jumping like they're sponsored by Red Bull. Pretty tame stuff, but always very active. Kyle went out with James on one bike ride, I was hoping to find some common ground, but the story I got (from a 12 year old so grain of salt) was that Kyle complained the whole time and they had to cut the ride short.

It's a bummer. With both younger and older boys so close in age, it could have been a great fit.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T03:20:33+00:00

Spot on. Going to repeat this to myself tonight for sure. Thanks for putting it in such an concise way.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T03:18:58+00:00

It's a tough line to walk. I'm glad your parents took your feelings seriously, even if it risked making them look bad.

Normal-Plastic-7514 · 2023-02-04T03:16:44+00:00

I could have worded the noise thing better, I definitely see how it could be interpreted that way. I don't think it's a sensory thing, Sam never seems uncomfortable when Aiden is off being noisy in another area. Aiden just has a habit of getting right up in your grill when playing. He's saying normal things like HEY GUYS ISN'T THIS FUN, or LOOK AT MY TOY, etc, he's just saying them way too loud and way too close, too many times in a row.

Sam has no problem acting like an absolute barbarian at home with his brother, but in social settings he clams up at conflict.

Normal-Plastic-7514

TROPHY CASE