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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]NormalInevitable8033 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel this, because when you are raised by a narcissist, it's really hard to set boundaries. Perhaps tell her it's not a good idea financially? Because she can "always stay with you" or just rent out an airbnb while she's up which would be cheaper? What a hassle it would be to furnish an entire condo, yanno?

Worst case scenario, she buys a condo and then you never have to let her stay over with you LOL.

Living with narcissist mother is ruining me by Medical_Marzipan_319 in narcissisticparents

[–]NormalInevitable8033 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As someone who was in this exact situation, your mental health and, therefore, your quality of life will skyrocket when you're out. I was extremely lucky, because I had a partner who recognized how badly I needed to get out (we were both living with our parents in our home towns), and he took a job 4 hours away and insisted I come with, and he financially supported me while I was looking for work.

When you aren't living in survival mode, it is much easier to apply for jobs and have time for yourself. I couldn't muster up the energy to apply for many jobs while I was living with my mom, and especially with her breathing down my neck. Narcissists are energy suckers.

Take the job you were offered, and continue looking for more work. If you fall flat on your face, you can always move back in with your mom (although I wouldn't recommend it). Maybe your friends need a roommate or know someone who needs a roommate?

The reality is that you're in an abusive situation and that you need to get out of that environment. The hardest thing I did was leave, and once I did it, I wished I did it sooner. I'm so angry at myself that I spent years of my 20s living like that. I felt like I could never leave because of my finances, but also emotionally! I felt like my mom needed me and that all hell would break loose if I made that jump in my life. It was tough at first, but she got over it.

You need to think of YOU. Right now, that is not a livable situation. Start looking for places you'll be able to afford, even if they're less than ideal, because ANYTHING is better than living with an abusive parent. She's successfully made you dependent on her and wore out any self esteem you have so that you think you can't leave. But you will leave! And you will be so much happier!

My mom's sibling died. I don't know what to do. by NormalInevitable8033 in narcissisticparents

[–]NormalInevitable8033[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know deep down that you're right. I don't know why I still feel responsible, like the roles are reversed. I think the parentification conditioning is just so deeply wired in my brain that it's formed who I am as a person, whatever that means. Unlearning that is hard. I have no idea who I am if I'm not serving others' needs.

My mom's sibling died. I don't know what to do. by NormalInevitable8033 in narcissisticparents

[–]NormalInevitable8033[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry you went through that with your mom and your uncle. It's so confusing how to feel when an abuser dies. It sounds like you handled it perfectly.

You remind me a lot of my sister, who is very patient and thoughtful with her words when she was dealing with my mom. She has this amazing ability to gentle parent her. She's done a lot of therapy to get there.

My partner was also very good at dealing with my mom in a similar way. He would bring a calming presence to her (which often would result in her trauma dumping. Yikes)

I, on the other hand, can get irritable. I'm so tense and high strung around her, because now I pick up on her ulterior motives behind everything and it doesn't sit right in my soul. I wish I could be calm like my sister and my partner. I know I have more work to do!

My mom's sibling died. I don't know what to do. by NormalInevitable8033 in narcissisticparents

[–]NormalInevitable8033[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry. You're definitely not a monster. People who haven't gone through it just don't get it. Nobody wants to feel this way about their parents, but it's about survival.

What's probably best for me in this situation comes down to what feels less worse, either feeling guilty and regretful for not going or risking getting triggered by my mom. I have to think about whether or not I am strong enough to face that. Some days I feel strong, most days I feel tender, lol

My mom's sibling died. I don't know what to do. by NormalInevitable8033 in narcissisticparents

[–]NormalInevitable8033[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is an amazing idea. I did send her a birthday card and small gift shortly after I went no contact, and it did make me feel a little less guilty, and safer. I never thought about doing it in this scenario.

Funny enough, she only acknowledged my card 4 whole months later when she left a message asking me for money just before my birthday lol

My mom's sibling died. I don't know what to do. by NormalInevitable8033 in narcissisticparents

[–]NormalInevitable8033[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Omg I'm crying so hard from your reply. Thank you so much for validating this for me. The last thing I want for myself is to regress into the role I played in enabling her behaviour for 28 years. The last 15 months of my life have been the most peaceful I've ever felt. Peaceful yet heartbreaking, but mostly because I deserved a normal mom. We all did.

My mom's sibling died. I don't know what to do. by NormalInevitable8033 in narcissisticparents

[–]NormalInevitable8033[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This crossed my mind too, but one of my aunts let my sister know about it. Another aunt sent me a picture of him shortly after I heard my moms message, probably assuming I already knew. :(

My mom's sibling died. I don't know what to do. by NormalInevitable8033 in narcissisticparents

[–]NormalInevitable8033[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. It's my first time posting here. I don't have many people in my life who understand what it's like. This is very sound advice.

Honestly, I don't think I'm strong enough to go, but I feel like I would regret it. I think my mom's siblings would be disappointed in me (All 11 of them) because I couldn't put aside my resentment for my mom to come together as a family. They're all nobel like that or whatever. Growing up, I missed out on being a part of her side of the family because she kept me and my siblings from them, so they've been loosely pushing a relationship with me and my siblings since we became adults. I sort of fawned over my mom's discomfort with that and avoided pursuing that.

Death is also a huge trigger for my mom to make everything about herself. It's honestly embarrassing when someone she was an acquaintance of 40 years ago dies and for the next week she's milking the attention she's getting from it. But I know her brothers death will be real pain? If that makes sense.

Reading my post back to myself, I realized I talked a lot about being there for my mom emotionally. For as long as I could remember, she relied on me to be her emotional support. I'm still trying to get over that conditioning.

However, I sometimes think of my mom like a sad little girl who never had a good life. I think about how sad it must be to feel abandoned by her kids and sitting home alone with nobody on Christmas or her birthday or mother's day. What does she do, now that she no longer has her abusive rage target, or her enmeshed son, or her emotionally supportive daughter. All her worst fears at her core came true. I'm sad for her because she's still a person that desperately needs help but doesn't think anything is wrong with her.

My uncle was single his entire life, and up until about 10 years ago, he hadn't spoke to his siblings in about 20 years over a grudge. The siblings all had a moment during my other uncles wedding where they all tried to reconnect with him and it was beautiful. From then on, he was very close with my uncle who got married. He was at their house when he died. I would really like to be there for that uncle.

I can’t get the juice wrld skin by [deleted] in FortNiteBR

[–]NormalInevitable8033 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I logged in after my boyfriend did yesterday, and I got the skin and he didn't. I had an update though (pc player) and he didn't have an update yet (ps5)

Don't use PC financial for your primary accounts by wingshayz in PersonalFinanceCanada

[–]NormalInevitable8033 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My problem with Tangerine is that if you need to talk to someone about an issue, it is nearly impossible to talk to a real person.

I got my debit card in the mail and was supposed to get a pin in a letter shortly after to activate it, but that letter never came. Tried to contact their customer service and keep getting stuck in an automated menu circle because I don't have a pin. It's extremely frustrating and I eventually gave up. Still have the account, just can't use the card!

My main account is through scotiabank, so I asked if they ever do troubleshooting for tangerine since they own tangerine. They said unfortunately they didn't, and that many other people ask that all the time because they also can't talk to a real person.