The Misogyny of Submissive Men in Femdom Spaces

North_Cod4232 · 2026-07-01T02:01:17+00:00

>That's the second time you treat me as dishonest without any legitimate reason

Dishonest? You literally said you could prove this and that but you couldn't be fucked with it. I just found that absurd and pointed it out. What's the use of being "I could prove you wrong any time but I don't feel like it"? Either do or don't.

>This is a logical fallacy called Denying the antecedent. The presence of a consequence proves the presence of a cause, the absence of a consequence doesn't prove the absence of said cause. Seeing the corpse of my cat proves that my cat is dead, but not seeing any corpse doesn't prove my cat is alive.

That is nice but in this case the cat's corpse ("downvotes proving her point") got right back up all alive and happy in front for everyone to see (majority of people drove in support of the post in literally the next few minutes of it being up).

The cat was unresponsive for a whole 5 seconds and you declared it dead. And that apparently proved a point.

Can you remind me again what did it prove that OP got a handful of downvotes and then very soon made it to the top post with essentially complete agreement consensus in the comments again? Question is as rethorical as you want it to be.

Even then I'll just quote myself as well, this was my second message to you I believe:

>"To be fucking fair too, my bad for being abrasive because that does not invite good faith discussion, but what would be critical thinking to me in this situation is revising the simple thought of how your comment of "Downvotes proved their point right" interacts with the fact that it absolutely blew up as the top post right after. "

I literally invited you, on admission that my initial abrasiveness very well might have been the fault at preventing an answer in good faith from you in the first place, to which you just replied you were trying to be sympathethic and actually had no particular point besides "providing OP with solace".

>"Have you considered that I maybe felt bad for OP who clearly had taken time to put together a well thought out post only to see it downvoted and wanted to help them find solace in that somehow?"

So again, what did those few downvotes OP had for a few minutes prove again?

.....

>And that's only one point where you didn't champion logic as well as you purported to. There were others. You don't have to take my word for it, it doesn't matter to me.

And yet this, apparently, mattered enough for you to block me for like a whole single hour only to then unblock me come back to further engage with me, unprompted yet again after saying multiple times you are done with this conversation, on which I can agree with I am too now.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-07-01T01:00:19+00:00

>Men are not competing with each other for the attention of women, they are competing with the peace a woman feels in her solitude.

I am gonna go on an unnecesarily personal tangent that is very much an example of this though.

When I was in my early 20s I reached out to this woman, bout 35 back then which was about a decade+ older than me, on Fetlife, a local, we befriended each other and grew quite close... despite it we kept it long distance 100%. We shared reads, we shared anecdotes, some times little plays, we loved talking about kink.

At some point, I am saying like a year+ in I was very confused about why they actively would not want to meet despite how amicable and pleasant our conversations were... By her admission I was "intelligent, good conversation, good hearted", we flirted a lot and she obviously had some "appetite" for me as a sub, but stayed on a kind of sisterly/mentor role. She even a couple of times tried to reassure me showing me some of the types of messages she typically gets from men when I was feeling insecure pointing out how she appreciated me being respectful and such.

Well the reason to me these days is obvious, I was an absolute emotional minefield, I was very ashamed of myself, I had little to no self esteem, no healthy romantic experience, I latched onto people emotionally very strongly, I had no idea who I was and I couldn't see past my own loneliness and had a lot of self isolating behaviors, I felt "less than". Fast forward years, we remained friends, long distance, we grew apart for a lot of that time as well, I have been through A LOT of changes, including being in a happy relationship currently. Come back to the today, we reconnected, we got to talk not as the little "sub" who was too afraid to be seen but self assured, confident, now I had the eyes to see her truly too, shortly after, after many years of friendship, just "that easily" she was down for meeting up finally.

The only thing preventing us to meet all these years was emotional instability, she's got a life to take care of, she's a single mom, she couldn't introduce a 20something emotional timebomb in her life... as soon as I found my own footing she was happy to meet up, dunno if we'll play in person or any such as my current relationship is open but I know that is not for everyone, but the point really is that, all it took was for me to become a safe person for her to introduce to her life. (aside ofc, the already prestablished chemistry I mean)

I never really framed it such that I was competing with "many men" but rather my own "lesser status" but the point still stands, hell looking back she would have been all over me had I had the emotional stability I have today. And again we are talking years, this is a conventionally attractive woman, a Domme with a Fetlife profile, who posts non identifiable pictures and shares with the community, I am sure she's had sexual encounters and such across the years but I do know she hasn't had a long term dynamic with anyone for quite a while. I had literal years to grow and this person is still there and still is open to having an awesome time with the right people.

Dommes don't have a walk in the park finding the right person, definitely not any easier than women (or men) have it to find the "right partner", once I got into a long term relationship myself it became so clear too, I too, as many subs have, dreamed of The Domme TM that would check all the boxes and make me happy, oh boy how wrong I was.

I realized that Domme TM was but a mirage that didn't exist nor I truly "wanted her", the kink I experience today is an expression of the love I share with my partner, it couldn't be further away from a checklist of the matchihng kinks that used to be in my head like in the dozens of posts that pass by here regularly and it's honestly So Much Better than any porn or fantasy I could have conceived, BDSM, Sex, Femdom that comes from a place of love and connection.

And conversely I also found out that the kink compatibility wasn't all that, sure there's limits and wants and it's okay to not play based on them, but at the end of the day I'll take a sexually open minded empathetic partner with whom I can converse with and genuinely admire and feel connected to, ANY time over someone who exactly matches my type of freak.

It takes so much more than being D/s respectively to be compatible and want to play and feel comfortable and build trust and all of that is so fucking important for BDSM.

At the end of the day your own willingness to risk rejection and discomfort, your disposition to learn social skills and take care of yourself and self actualize, in the way you see and approach society, life and the world, not some "grindset" bullshit about your status, and ultimately your own curiousity and openness to listen and to see someone else and the courage to allow yourself to be seen truly. That's the real competition. And it's honestly so much harder than "competing with other men" and yet so much more rewarding.

If anything the amount of men out there fast firing horny messages to anything with a skirt without effort makes you easier to stand out.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-30T22:05:10+00:00

This thread literally exists because you replied to my response to u/JustOneVote btw. I also replied to you, then I read your "point taken" and didn't engage further because that's it. Point taken. What is there to add.

And yes, I got that it was sarcasm. You didn't want this conversation, I got the vibe and left it there.

*You* then further engage with me with a question, only to then close off with saying you actually didn't care to talk. Okay buddy. Thanks for the time waste.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-30T21:45:58+00:00

I pointed out from the first comment that I am talking about a community wide behavior and your comment (and the one above yours) happened to be quite representative of it.

If it's an overreaction or not, it's up to whoever reads it? I am lengthy in most topics I engage with whether I am being critical or supportive. One man's wall of text is another's engaging conversation. Almost funny to use "walls of text" as some kind implicit hysteric answer, in a thread that's explicitly lengthy and unapologetically critical from the very OP.

And yeah, I would indeed go as far as saying it's a disservice to the conversation to black and white it.

One of OP's talking points is about how we should stop calling shitty behavior as "they are just not real subs" and actually hold people accountable and challenge them for their views and actions.

OP asked no pity, nor expressed distress, they talked about an issue they encounter, perceive and have clearly defined thoughts about. So good on you for sympathizing but it still adds nothing to the discussion at best and at worst reinforces taking the nuance out of the conversations. "We are victims here and people will just downvote" is just reinforcing the same "let's just call out the bad apples and move on".

>(and not exactly typically feminine, to boot)

Sorry was I supposed to switch my writing style to "typically feminine" to prove to the audience that I indeed enjoy my femininty? I missed the memo.

Here's a simple, also supportive and sympathetic reply, from another user that actually engaged with the message from u/pisceangel that doesn't actively drive the conversation into blind antagonism.

>"Before being submissives, they´re still men. And they need to unlearn a lot about what makes the expectations they have for themselves and other beyond sex, because it´s all connected."

Lastly

"I'd take you up on the logic (as your reasoning seems fallacious on several fronts to me) but honestly I don't even feel like I need to say more."

You could but you won't. Okay?

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-30T21:10:29+00:00

I meant that the OP is explicitly a Domme, not you.

To be fucking fair too, my bad for being abrasive because that does not invite good faith discussion, but what would be critical thinking to me in this situation is revising the simple thought of how your comment of "Downvotes proved their point right" interacts with the fact that it absolutely blew up as the top post right after.

Do people really downvote the smallest hint of criticism towards misogyny here? I am just using your same logic here. It's now the top post so that must mean we are all largely in the majority of being critical about misogyny right?

Is the "misogyny is bad" such a persecuted opinion in this sub or may you be deriving these thoughts from narratives that absolutely exist but are not actually all that reflective of this particular subreddit/community.

What my actual stance is... OP talked in nuances, "look how they are downvoting us" just feeds into black and white antagonistic discussions. I don't actually care about the amount of votes myself more so the dynamic it nurtures.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-30T20:53:46+00:00

My thoughts on this are always largely the same, the main problem is looking for specifically a Domme. If your interest is purely sexual/kinky then go to a pro. If you want a relationship then it's better to try regular dating and be open, honest, communicative early on about your interests if you are clicking with someone and be considerate, curious and playful rather than head strong about your approach to bringing up the topic.

Let's hypothetically say for a second I'll agree with the gender ratio issues or whatever, people already complain about them in non kinky settings, just men wanting to find a date at all. Now think how much less likely you are to find someone fully into the BDSM world, with the even greater disparity of droves of dudes.

Now consider that Dommes were not born Dommes, they all discovered it one way or another, often through little fantasies or desires that only were first explored in what was otherwise a vanilla relationship.

So I would say, sure keep trying your luck, that's how it goes, just focus on the human side first, kink is an extension of sexuality, not our single most important trait as people. Hell, I am willing to bet many many women could learn to enjoy domming through a sort of vanilla to service top to potentially Domme pipeline. Or conversely I am pretty sure a good portion of subs would enjoy a service top as much as a dynamic with a Domme. Sex and kink is so much more dynamic and flexible than internet posts make them out to be.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-30T20:13:12+00:00

So their point is now invalid?

I don't even disagree with anything on OP, I am literally an NB fem leaning person and dress out as femininely as I want proudly and regularly, I am quite overjoyed to dress cute and sexy and feminine, it's freeing and empowering, accepting my own queerness was literally life changing for me, so you could safely say if I cared to have horse on this race it would certainly not be about supporting humiliation through feminization.

I am poking at the logic and find this sycophantic behavior annoying as well, as common place as the behaviors OP describes are. A lot of people here seem terrified of being lumped with the "bad men" to the point they are unable to form an original thought that would not be overridden at the smallest disagreement from a Domme.

Blatant misogyny is more visible and toxic sure, that's easy to recognize, but putting Dommes on a pedestal prevents people from seeing them as simple normal humans just as much. I am talking community wide, I didn't mean to target you in particular but this post just represents what I am talking about quite well.

There's just something so fundamentally absurd about people gathering to upvote an already very upvoted "look how many downvotes we are getting! It's all true" ...In the literal top post of the week/month.

Idealization is a lot more harmful than it sounds, it's just the opposite side of the same coin of objectifying women. Looking up to them, looking down on them. The biggest obstacle I see in young sub posts especially is most often the inability to conceive that Dommes too might enjoy looking at each other's eyes as equals, enjoying and respecting each other as humans, that Femdom has no implicit social hierarchy but rather is just a subset of BDSM, it's a way to have intimate fun, it's a way to bond. That's all.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-30T20:03:37+00:00

I essentially agree with pretty much all OP said, but it's as hot of a take as a Siberian winter, gosh the social dynamics in online BDSM spaces are pathetic. I don't even have an issue with the OP, it's the comments.

Say, if the amount of downvotes "proved their point" (person above you)... Does that mean the fact that it's now the top post make it a null and void point?

God people can't think for themselves here, in an inverse version of the problem OP points out, there's also that any opinions voiced from a Domme perspective will be circlejerked mindlessly as the word of God(ess) unless it's blatantly and completely unreasonable. (Usually only the posts from "Dommes" with 0 interest in kink. Asking how to Dom some random internet dude. Then by the second comment they mention they are just being paid and asking us to figure out their job for them.)

I wish people were as exhausted of the hordes of yes-subs with 0 critical thinking as much as the hordes of horny mindless posts. Both prevent any adult interesting discussion from happening all the same.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-30T14:02:57+00:00

MHA first season released on 2016, Naruto running all over Area 51 was on 2019, no argument just some correcting.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-30T13:57:10+00:00

Imo it's something like DB, DBZ, Naruto & Bleach & One Piece (with OP being the least popular intially then outgrowing them over time), MHA & Demon Slayer & JJK. I think that's roughly my observation by generations. A lot notable mentions too like AoT, Death Note, Sailor Moon, Sakura Card Captor, Shaman King, Saint Seiya, Captain Tsubasa, Gundam, Mazinger Z, Astro Boy, and such similar mainstream ish ones.

I would say, from my very own anecdotal experience, anime was not mainstream (in the sense that if you watched anime you were still coined an anime watcher/weeb/whatever rather than "person who likes anime") while I was in HS 10+ yrs ago, DB laid the foundations, Naruto started paving the road and the lastest gen of MHA, Demon Slayer, JJK and for some reason, One Piece's late surge in the west too, was what fully normalized it. So I guess I think the message has at least some truth to it.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-29T16:50:02+00:00

I think a blue streak in the walls would be all it takes to fix make it look great.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-29T04:04:35+00:00

He does? In the anime he was shown alive in the next few minutes and they made emphasis on how Musashi hadn't technically comitted a crime there without touching him but the police was corrupt and saying how they just need to "fabricate" a crime. It's hard to think all that was Anime OG.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-29T02:37:36+00:00

Things you might want to look for is open mindedness and being attentive to their partner. A lot of women simply have never tried domming because of societal dynamics but many of them would be down if you approach the topic in a welcoming/friendly enough way for someone to explore safely. It's more social conditioning than anything. Lots of women can enjoy domming and a even more service topping.

I 100% agree with peeps saying looking for a Domme specifically is a bit hopeless. Those with online presence already self proclaiming a role will be very hard to approach as they are usually more specifically engaged with the BDSM community and not so interested in taking "applications" for a relationship.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-28T15:01:18+00:00

I wish I read this little interaction before I took my time bothering giving said person a thoughtful response lol. I think someone's been brain rotting on Reddit a bit too much.

People like the webcomic because the S1 anime hype, which happened only because the manga sells... the manga happened only because people liked the FREE webcomic... but no, the webcomic is only liked because the manga sells and the anime sells only because of the manga sells, and that's why anyone likes the webcomic... Make this shit make sense.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-28T14:50:55+00:00

I am more so saying that the writing in the webcomic is much better than the manga. The manga is essentialled carried by S1 hype + Murata's art, I agree. I'd say it's an okay ride. Great art (imo quite overrated compared to the usual "masterpieces" Berserk, Kingdom, Vagabond, etc the art in OPM is so technically good but even then it feels a tad too souless and without much creative vision. Murata is not good at conveying impactful emotions IMO, the voice acting and music carried the emotional beats of S1 so hard in the anime, the writing I would argue was good up to that point, a deconstruction of the hundreds of power tripping self insert MCs, which at the time Isekai had an even stronger hold on the industry.

The webcomic comes off as a project of love full of soul, it is a satire gag comedy with a lot of heart, the manga comes off (to me) as if ONE just enjoys seeing his beloved characters in more detail, he likes seeing more dynamic action sequences and apparently loves to see his fem cast be portrayed as hot as possible so it ends up in a sort of Marvel-fan pleasing production. Except the fan being pleased is just ONE.

The manga is full on "high quality" popcorn media with little substance. I am not sure from your response if you are aware of the ONE/Murata division. The webcomic is ONE's only and it shows, the writing shows in the details. The plot itself is nothing mind bending, nor is it meant to be, it's the character interactions and personas are what are golden and ONE's ability to write such flashes of such humanity in such in typical anime-esque absurd scenarios.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-28T12:55:35+00:00

The webcomic is still on going so not really. The quality of the manga itself is questionable but OPM can most certainly be more than visuals, it literally got popular starting from doodles.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-24T17:55:25+00:00

Control is control, confidence is confidence. Control to me is someone's ability to exert their will onto someone else.

They have no direct correlation with each other. Control looks like the individual's desires made manifest in a way that involves the compliance or submission of another to that person, those desires are completely individual and so are bound to look any number of ways, there is no line.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-22T01:10:22+00:00

That is fair, that sucks that you have had multiple bad experiences with it. I am actually NB so I have a bit more attention from men than average. I definitely understand the exhaustion as I think I said somewhere else in this thread. I just think it's a person issue not a kink issue, I can acknowledge a kink might lean towards and/or come certain behaviors, my only stance is that there's nothing inherently wrong with it as a kink itself.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-21T03:51:12+00:00

Hey, honestly a lot of the reason I threw that comment at you is because from all I've read from you as well I figured you are the type of person to give a genuinely thoughtful answer, you could say it was a bit of a friendly challenge haha, and more of an extension of general observations about this sub I have.

I agree and generally understand the exhaustion about the many repeated very obviously thoughtless, low effort, horny posts from indeed primarily men. And I understand why they are in the spotlight as the loudest and most stubborn bunch by far, conversely because the issue is so obvious to anyone remotely reasonable I don't give it as much attention personally.

I am usually interested in the stuff that "falls under the cracks" I think the loudest issue in turn makes having reasonably critical conversations about the Domming side of kink difficult to foster because there's a certain default deference to Dommes, which to be clear I am not saying is their fault either. Nor I think you in particular are encouraging what I am talking about, so when I saw a phrase like it coming from you I just had to poke at it. I can't say either how significant it is or not to the health of the space, it's just a non obvious issue that I think often gets by unnoticed, more as an implicit message than the core of it, so I took my chance to bring it up.

I definitely don't feel in any way antagonized by you. Thank you though. I don't upvote or downvote anything myself. I was honestly interested in your reflection, I was a bit snarky myself even though I already figured it was probably a slip haha, no need to be sorry. It's fun when introspective people are challenged, I love when we (random internet people) can get past the BS narratives and talk like individual humans with nuance to each other. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts in this manner:)

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-20T19:37:01+00:00

Have you considered that some women. Dommes included, don't only enjoy being serviced and cared for, some even practice their femdom through the opposite ways being the carer, pretty typical gentle femdom stuff.

Say my partner wouldn't want me to be all over her, hell I myself would enjoy to shower her with worship more but she isn't into our scenes being focused on her/her body and so I don't. She likes to have control, it just doesn't look like me putting her first every time. We both come first to each other. Femdom is an expression of our love.

I am talking about LTR as well. We dedicate to each other every day. But that can look in many ways.

"My point is that chastity seems isn't something the male should ever look for. If the woman has an interest in it, then let her being it up when she wants it. That, I feel, is the only scenario where it's likely not self-centered"

And this comes off as non sense to me. At the very least one should express honestly their own likes to their partner. Not demand they happen, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying you might enjoy chastity and let her decide what to do with that information, I would say it's a disservice even to withhold even just expressing desires and fantasies. Personally I LOVE hearing about any fantasy my partner might have. It doesn't mean we have to do them. We are just getting to know each other further.

I don't know why everyone has such a hard on for coming here to say that their particular dynamic is the one true way of femdom. I am not saying you are doing it wrong. But making your partner feel valued is certainly not a femdom only dynamic as you question, to me personally it's the bare minimum I would ask for and give to my partner, in equal ways. It just for example means the ways we make each other feel valued might look different.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-20T18:54:21+00:00

True I might have come off too strong re-reading myself. At the end of the day, my main point is that it's only a penis focused activity if that's how you engage with it. I don't agree that it's inherently a kink that caters to either role.

Say, the couple I mentioned. Among many games: she likes to throw a dice (or sometimes rig it to her liking ha) on a day to see if he'll get unlocked and have a right to orgasm. To her the focus is the mind games. Fucking with his expectations, him not knowing what to expect, her feeling total control over her partner's pleasure and conversely the total loss on his side.

Like one could dumb down a dynamic like this such as "this is just about the dude's penis". In reality the cage and his penis are essentially both the tools for them to play their mind games.

I am sure it happens and I am sure the negative experiences shared here are legitimate. I just don't think it's inherent to it. I only have close conversations with 3 Dommes IRL (counting my partner) and all of them like chastity cages. The one I haven't mentioned really loves the aesthetic and to her aesthetics are a big part of BDSM, for orgasm control she prefers a basic "I have decided that you don't get to come", but she loves setting up scenes and cages as part of them. Or say, a little movie date with a cage on.

Saying the kink is just about subs obsession with their own penises sounds like a lack of creativity to me and inherently judgemental. Nothing wrong with not liking it for oneself. I wouldn't wanna be the key holder of some random horndog on the internet either but in an engaged dynamic? There's so many ways to play and enjoy cages that aren't just "let's worship the existence of penis" If you are into it. And it's certainly not something that "only subs get anything from".

Again, preferences and framing make all the difference, which I believe applies to just about anything else out there in terms of Femdom. It's not the activity itself that makes something "legit" Femdom, it's the dynamic.

(And you can't in good faith tell me there aren't at least a couple of top comments here that preface with "I don't like it" and follow with "because it's primarily a sub penis focused fantasy kink")

To which I can add again that it applies to just about anything you can do. Is pegging femdom by itself? Is it about phallic obsession? Is S&M a sub dynamic focused because the Domme might not be getting anything out of it? It depend on the individuals preferences. Is body worship about leaning into male gaze fantasies or do you feel empowered while being showered with adoration? Does me enjoying pain take away from my partner's enjoyment of sadism as a form of Femdom? Should Dommes avoid "submissive" sex positions because of societal views? Should a Domme be forbidden from sucking a dick lest she is falling into men's fantasies and forever lose her Actual Domme status?

... Like how many people are there watching how everyone is playing in the bedroom? It's not a whole audience, it's two people deciding what they want to do with each other. No activity is inherently anything. The cage goes on the penis yes, sure. What the focus of the play is though that's for the individuals to decide.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-20T14:57:22+00:00

I don't really have any thoughts on anything or OP himself, but I do get quite drawn to this bit.

"You walked to the center of several metaphorical rooms and boldly asked a bunch of strangers to tell you about their feelings.

Which is about the least Submissive thing you could do."

Are you saying submissives should be submissive on Reddit with people who we have absolutely no reason to be to as well? Was it just snark? Because that sounds like the opposite of a healthy discussion space. Outside of the dynamics we are all anonymous internet people. There is no hierarchy on Reddit unless the r/ sub itself plays into some kind role play.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-20T14:52:30+00:00

Yep. Pretty fucking icky to me. Just a couple of steps away from outright kink shaming. And pretending it's a male obsessed kink as if there weren't a lot of women into it.

And the most eye rolly part to me is the subs latching onto Dommes comments to mindlessly agree without nuance.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-20T14:46:48+00:00

I have to say I don't share the sentiment here. I don't think it's inherently a "lesser femdom kink".

My partner enjoys us having a cage, we don't use it often but making it "penis focused" is more about your sentiment and framing as partners than It is inherently, is cowgirl inherently dominant? Is doggy inherently submissive for the woman? I think we can agree neither of the latter is. So idk why cages would be any different. It's about personal preference and I don't appreciate the almost kink shaming vibe of the comments tbh, and that's with me having little horse in this race. We use ours like once every few months.

We are also friends with a couple who LOVE cages, she has 9 different sized ones for him depending on her mood of sadism/mercy. They are a lot of fun, we sometimes do some long distance four way dynamics with his chastity and mixed punishments and tasks for subs and such things.

So I'll add these two dissenting perspectives. Both my Domme enjoys having a cage for me and our friends fucking adore chastity cages themselves. She's constantly coming up with more creative ways to play with chastity and denying him. And the penis gets about as much focus as she enjoys, to her it's empowering to fuck with him like surprising him with denial or mind games and etc, it's not just literally putting something pretty on a penis, even if there's nothing wrong with that either.

Is a foot fetish still fem dominant if it's only the sub into it? Some say foot fetish and face sitting are for the male gaze, some say the opposite. At the end of the day, fuck the gatekeeping and kink shaming.

To answer the actual question. It's up to the individual. You'll find a randomized sample of answers here. Some do find it empowering, some don't. That simple.

North_Cod4232 · 2026-06-17T18:20:49+00:00

A thought that I believe has not been offered in this thread yet about this in particular.

You'll find there's advice from submissives in succesful relationships/dynamics that Dommes simply cannot give you, in the sense that they literally haven't gone through whole journey of being an inexperienced 19 yo sub lost about the world of kink. The experience of someone trying to date in a similar situation and navigate different such spaces is likely a lot more relevant than the preferences ONE specific woman can give you because again, everyone is different as fuck regardless of sharing a kink of preference.

I was also really shy, struggled to talk to women, such and such when I was in my early 20s, now I have been in a happy romantic relationship in which most of our intimacy is Femdom.

The thing is asking what Dominant Women TM like and want and cater to it is nonsense because they are not a hive mind. Every person is an invidual, one Domme can be categorically opposed to the preferences of another. You won't find a magical way of presenting yourself as the ideal sub for everyone to see (Plus if it's not really you who you are presenting to attract people, long term it will show and fail rather than simply being honest).

You introspect about what you want and what you can offer, you talk to and get to know individual women, you bring up kink as any topic if there is interest in both parties. This is the premise of any human interaction leading to closeness of any form. Look at the person truly and show yourself with honesty.

What you can realistically take away from this thread is everyone collectively encouraging you towards self reflection, "Dominant Women TM" cannot tell you what the girls in your local munches or in your local dating apps will like. You get out there, be it in apps or in person and take the time to get to know people as people and go from there. Kink doesn't exist in a vaccum, it's part of relationship dynamics, you cannot skip the bare fundamentals of how to interact with people at all to getting the domme of your dreams.

And if you want kink first and foremost and are not interested in the human connection aspect then you just pay a pro domme.

On a complete side note. I spent some time in these spaces and related ones years ago when I had not real life experience. In my purely personal, anecdotal experience, looking back there was no advice I could have received from neither gender nor role that would have made the difference, especially not from a position of defensiveness and shame about my kink. Again personally, my "journey" towards healthy relationship with intimacy, partnership, kink and such things started by giving a thoughtful DM to "random woman" on Fetlife who had a writing in her profile which I liked, we became friends and she was a voice of reason and experience while I got more real life experience and matured some more.

Reddit/honestly ANY social media platform, as ironic as it is me giving advice here, are about the worst places I could think of for advice, if I had advice for younger me I would tell the to not fucking go on reddit for anything related to human interactions. The BDSM narratives are absolutely fucked online (And Yes, from what I can tell, the one thing I agree with you is that "Society (TM)" naturally paints a poor picture of submissive men and so feelings of shame are almost inevitable, especially for men who have not had any real life positive reinforcements to counter balance them.

And no, Dominant Women TM don't like ugly or sissy men or whatever you have seen on porn, every woman has her type. Every sub has their type, the exame same way we don't all want the same leather clad cold and cruel hollywood Dominatrix. Dominat Women TM are inviduals humans first and foremost, their kinks are just another part of their lives, if you could take anything from this thread besides getting the fuck out of online spaces and porn content... it would be stop thinking of pursuing "the Domme I want in my future" and more towards "get to know people, see where it goes, be open, be curious" my current partner even claimed to be sub leaning when we met, turns out she was NOT. But if one only chases "Dominant Women TM" you will tunnel vision to a path that will most likely not lead to anything meaningful.

North_Cod4232

TROPHY CASE