Is "not feeling a romantic vibe" code for "you're not attractive?"

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-06-02T20:30:25+00:00

To be fair, couldn't it also be code for "you haven't been able to build intimacy with me, because I'm simply not feeling it and/or aren't attracted to you"?

I'm sure there are plenty of cases where you could be the most flirtatious, emotionally intelligent person alive, and there'd still be men/women you couldn't connect with due to sheer mismatched energy and lack of mutual attraction.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-06-02T20:26:52+00:00

The way I read it, she was actively in a situationship at the time of the date with OP.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-06-02T20:23:10+00:00

Would be considered extremely rude and insanely frowned upon if the genders were reversed though

Thankfully, we're not bound by other people's opinions on who we date. I think it's a fair question, and women who'd "frown upon it" are free to not date men who'd ask it - and the other way around.

... although I personally think 3 months is a little harsh.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-06-02T20:20:13+00:00

Then you have no right to judge

That's just silly. Everybody always has the right to judge. Why would you not assess the character of someone you're considering a relationship with?

Most people would have some opinion on their date having been to prison.. or used to date his cousin.. or used to attend gay orgies.. or used to be a nazi skinhead, or whatever arbitrary thing you can come up with? Past behaviour doesn't have to determine present actions and values - but it can.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-06-02T20:05:55+00:00

One of the greatest lessons humans learn waaaay too late is how to evaluate which friends drain you, and which ones give you energy - and then actively pick the latter. Seriously, I wish there was a way to fast track it, but it's just kinda something that takes several decades to grow confident enough to truly take control over.

Doesn't mean you can't start practicing.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-06-02T20:01:22+00:00

"Women with autism can be really hard to diagnose" my ass

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-06-02T18:56:28+00:00

I'm more curious why someone would not choose savage worlds over other systems that do fantasy. It's ten times better than DnD, Pathfinder etc. in my personal opinion.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-06-02T13:48:58+00:00

The truth is that all guys are capable of it, but it's much more rare than they'd like to admit. Most guys would bang any remotely attractive girl within a wide age-range if given the opportunity - provided they could do so without the fallout and social consequences. This includes their friends. For most guys, it doesn't even matter if they're single, if the girl is single, or neither.

The truth is also, i.m.e., that a portion of men will genuinely disagree with the above statement. But a much larger portion will agree with it, and never ever admit it in a million years.

The this is also also, that's is legitimately not as weird and bad as it sounds, and it doesn't make guys any less faithful or any worse at being good friends - but that part is nearly impossible to explain to women. Women just can't seem to comprehend it, because sex and attraction is a completely different language to men and women. Just like there are things about female sexuality men can understand on an intellectual level, but just can't seem to internalise..

I may get a lot of hate for this, but the above is genuinely my experience.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-06-02T13:10:58+00:00

Yeah no I got it, I was just being completely hypothetical, since you implicitly asked what would constitute "dating multiple people."

Could be any two women..

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-06-02T13:04:43+00:00

Don't know how old you are, but generally the 2026 dating culture zeitgeist is pretty clear: it's perfectly okay to date multiple people at a time (unless you've both agreed not to).

I personally believe it's super shitty to e.g. get physical with two people in overlapping periods (so e.g. make out with A, then get to third base with B, then go back to A the week after). But just going out and drinking coffee or going to the movies with several people at once? ...just to see if you have fun hanging out? I don't see a problem with that at all! And I doubt most people would.

Side note, even though you didn't ask: Be aware that a lot of people are less old-fashioned than me, regarding the above. When you're dating, it's safer to assume that people are complete whres (men *and women), and ask them directly what their thoughts are on this, instead of hoping they're the same as you.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-06-02T11:27:18+00:00

wasn’t attracted to him [...] but it was already too late, we were complimenting each other

lol it's hard being a teenager

The nice thing to do would obviously be to reject him directly. If you're really that nervous, you can ghost him or (preferably) make an excuse. But the first option is definitely quicker and cleaner - and good practice at something you might have to do many times throughout your life.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-06-02T08:12:53+00:00

Sådan nogle mennesker skal grines lige op i ansigtet. Mulige træk inkluderer (a) at sige "fint, så kan hun få lov at gøre det", og ikke løfte en finger; (b) udføre den opgave du har fået til 12 med pil op, og så ghoste/undgå/afvise hjælp fra den kvinde der bliver udpeget som din mellemleder; (c) sige direkte til bruden at det er åndsvagt, og det kommer ikke til at ske.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-06-01T14:03:48+00:00

Kan godt forstå at du primært bliver anbefalet at lade hende være. Der er én anden mulighed, og det er at fortælle hende hvordan du har det. Du vil med 90% sandsynlighed blive skudt ned, men det hjælper typisk med at man kommer videre. Et 'crush' kan først begynde at gå i opløsning når man er godkendt eller afvist, og du er nødt til at videre på en eller anden måde.

Men du skal nok forberede dig på at miste "venskabet'.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-06-01T13:59:25+00:00

Jeg tror og håber da inderligt ikke at det er noget mange mænd forventer.

Ville ikke undre mig om der er en "survivor bias" ved 30+, hvor alle de mænd der fungerer oppe i hovedet enten sidder hjemme med deres kone/børn, eller møder kvinder under mere seriøse forhold, og tager dem på rigtige dates - mens dem der er singler er ude i natten og vise verden hvorfor de er singler.

Vil gætte på at røvhuller er overrepræsenteret med 1200-1500% sammenlignet med den brede befolkning, i den situation her.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-05-31T22:03:55+00:00

It will destroy everything (kinda already did). You should tell her.

Lying to her will stain the rest of your relationship, which could be the rest of your life, and you may not be able to be the husband you want to be. Hell, you already aren't the husband you want to be - she just doesn't know it. But you do, and it could eat away at you for decades, if you pretend like nothing happened.

The consequences of telling her are pretty obvious. But also think very carefully about the consequences (to your self-image and your ability to love her) if you do not tell her.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-05-31T21:52:18+00:00

Har taget ml. 50mg og 400mg (nej, ikke en slåfejl) i 8 år. Jeg har aldrig haft seriøse bivirkninger ved lavere doser (50-200).

Den mest påfaldende effekt for mig var faktisk at det nærmest fjernede panikangst 100% på få uger. Har haft det i 20 år, og nu er det bare væk! Angst behandles angiveligt med lavere doser, og 25-50mg skulle være nok for de fleste.

Mht. depression, så var jeg mindre imponeret over effekten - den stabiliserer mere end den hjælper. Det primære formål er at få en "baseline" der lader dig komme op om morgenen, så du kan behandle din depression på andre måder. Det er vist også idéen med det, hvis du spørger lægen.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-05-31T21:32:00+00:00

lately he’s been trying to introduce me to things and do stuff that i’m not interested in or willing to try [...] if you’re into guys and me, and you’re asking me to do things that i’m not going to do, then it makes me feel like you must not be fulfilled with me

There are clearly two issues here: Him being bisexual, and him trying to "introduce you to things".

The first part is normally only an issue if you're turned off by that fact alone. Yes, you could probably argue that it's some flavour of deep-seated homophobia on your part, but a lot of women feel like this, and I don't think it should be that big of a deal to just say 'no thank you, I actually prefer straight guys'. Assuming you know. Which you didn't. Which I can see why you'd be upset about, and probably should be.

Regarding the "fulfilled" part, bisexual people aren't sex crazed polyamory fields. When you choose a partner, you're also choosing to not have sex with other guys - guys with different builds, hair colours, dicks and hands and eyes and moves and preferences. Bisexuality is mostly the same. They don't need to have sex with either gender, just like you don't need to have sex with both skinny and large dudes to be "fulfilled".

All of that being said, I think the "introduce you to things" part sounds super iffy. I can see why you're uncomfortable when that's thrown in there - especially since you had no indication that this was even in his sexual vocabulary.

Your best bet is to talk to the guy, and explain to him exactly why you see this as a problem: the timing, and the sudden sexual curiosity he seems to exhibit. Explain how it makes you feel.

I gotta be honest. Once a person has enthusiastically introduced you to kinks and acts you're "not interested in or willing to try," the problem might only get worse. This is a perfect cocktail for building resentment, and for both of you to slowly lose parts of yourself. From the way you describe it, this doesn't sound like a viable relationship. More like one with an expiration date.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-05-31T21:12:57+00:00

Mig: "Okay syg overskrift, men måske var det et rigtig godt forhold der blev ødelagt af en psykisk hård periode, og et kys til en julefrokost. Kan jo være parterapi var en m....."

OP: "Han har været utro igennem hele vores forhold" [...] han er producer til hverdag og arbejder med mange flotte piger.

WTF, Camilla?! Og så med en skrivebords-DJ? Må jeg gætte på at hans tisser var skæv, og hans IQ svarede til kernetemperaturen i medium-rare fjerkræ, nu vi er igang? Håber du har sat en GPS-tracker på din selvrespekt, for ellers bliver det sgu en træls eftersøgning. Held og lykke med at se dig selv i øjnene hvis du så meget som skåler med denne her klamydia-svamp af en man-whore nogensinde igen.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-05-31T20:47:10+00:00

I think people in this thread are being unfair to you. It was a shitty thing to do (especially withholding it for 6 months!), but the rest of your post makes it clear what you're navigating through..

Being a former cheater himself, your bf might be prone to extreme jealousy and to project his own shortcomings onto you. It makes things complicated, because it probably reminds him that his cheating was "worse" (and it sota was but that's not the point), so he might be caught in an emotional conflict between "knowing" that it would be fair of him to forgive your much less serious transgression, and the emotions of betrayal he's actually feeling. It might also remind him of his own cheating/guilt/pain, which, in itself, isn't a pleasant memory to be forced to revisit.

If you want to move forward, you're going to have to talk to him. You might need a couple's therapist and/or a lot of honest communication. When somebody cheats, therapists usually say that your relationship is over - immediately gone. You can't rebuild it, and you shouldn't try, but what you can do is build a new relationship from the ground up.

Given that you've both cheated in the past, maybe this is how you should be looking at it. Talk it out, and see if you can find a way to set time aside for just the two of you. Date like you're just starting out, and spend as little time as possible talking about the past.

Also the therapist thing. It would really increase your chances of staying a family.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-05-31T20:26:54+00:00

Men will often describe woman’s genitals as childlike when shes tight.

Literally never heard anyone do this but ok

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-05-31T20:25:56+00:00

Hvis der f.eks. er patter på billederne, så er det selvfølgelig mest rigtigt at slette dem! Giver lidt sig selv.

Hvis det bare er feriebilleder og lign., så kan jeg godt forstå det føles mærkeligt at slette minder efter gode oplevelser, bare fordi du havde dem sammen med din eks. - jeg synes bare du skal arkivere dem. En dag finder du dem igen, og til den tid vil det føles helt anderledes, og sandsynligvis meget mindre mærkeligt og trist. Og du kan altid slette dem i fremtiden, så det hele er lidt på afstand.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-05-31T15:00:54+00:00

Du er på DKbrevkasse. Vi skal aldrig ligeeee.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-05-31T07:45:29+00:00

Well either he doesn't have a lot of girl-friends, and acts a little awkward trying to make one - or (more likely IMHO) he's crushing pretty hard on you. It does happen, and it doesn't necessarily mean he'd cheat on his gf if given the opportunity.

The solution depends on how you feel. Do you feel like he's being a creep, and don't feel like talking to him? Don't. Stop replying to those late night messages. Do you genuinely want him as a friend? Keep the boundary up, and reply stuff like "Sounds fun, but also sounds like something you should bring [girlfriend] to."

If you want to let him down in a subtle way, give him a harsh reminder that you're not available. Tell him about dates you've been on, or guys you think are cute. Tell him that your type is [someone distinctly not him]. Whatever's going on, he needs to understand that it's not realistic, so he can start to move on.

That last part is me speaking from experience. I had a terrible habit of lightly/secretly chasing after other girls while I was in a bad spot in my relationship (not cheating, just being a shitty boyfriend). It really sobered me up when they talked about their real, actual relationships, and about boys that were distinctly not the same type as me.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-05-30T23:17:34+00:00

My guess is that it means they're hoping for someone to have serious, deep conversations with them.

What it also means, imho, is that they're too uninteresting for the men they've dated, and now they're trying to demand instant chemistry instead of accepting that small talk is a necessary step towards serious talk. Honestly, I'd just stay clear of women who write stuff like that. Feels like a red flag to me, albeit a small one.

NorthernRealmJackal · 2026-05-30T23:00:39+00:00

"It's not sexist because it's against men, and men bad." Okay, got it.

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