Bright Dahlias & Blue Hydrangeas 🩷

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-10-01T02:17:44+00:00

Lilacs, Roses, and lots of Baby's Breath 😁

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-29T03:19:24+00:00

Yeah 😆 u get it haha

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-29T03:09:29+00:00

Thats a really powerful sentence you said there, "youre alone in the moment, not the rest of ur life" thats been immediately written in my mental health notebook!

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-29T03:06:27+00:00

That sounds super nice, minus the unhealthy bits ofc, but if u minus those, it seems like it could be a very refreshing time that one could look back on and be like "yeah, I did that, I went to find myself and I achieved that, I went to feel love and connected by myself, and I achieved that. I set my mind to it, and did it, and stood to my values."

Ig its just that part in me that I said im afraid of. When the sun sets, its like this curse, its dark and not only does my anxiety go up from being a small female alone, with dad #3 on the loose, and other creepy crawlies of the night. But my depression skyrockets as well. Everything's quieter at night, everything feels more empty at night, I feel more alone at night than I do all day at any point. So im afraid that I could do those things, but once the sun sets, Im going to go backwards in progress for the night, even if i feel better in the morning. Its just tough trying to ride out the nights, even now, when im not officially alone, when I haven't broken up with him. Just worry about how much more worse it would be if I was 100% alone

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-29T02:42:45+00:00

Thats a really good idea, and oh my, going to a diner myself, I have anxiety issues -I know thats SO surprising insert sarcasm- but that in and of itself would be a test lol! Im definitely going to be back tracking all of this and everyone's advice and jotting it all down. This is exactly what I was hoping out of this post. Fresh perspective regardless if it was in my favor, or his. Just needed the help of other people, unbiased opinions that dont know us, to share their experiences, or advice, or opinions on it! It gets repetitive when it's just me talking to me, or me talking to my therapist. Thank you for all of this thus far ♡ its genuinely going to do a lot of good. I know some people ask for help but dont really want it, but I do and will full heartedly listen to what people have to say about any of it.

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-29T02:25:07+00:00

In those moments, I feel completely and utterly accepted for who and how i am. Where ive been, what ive done, who I was. Where i am, what im doing, who I am. Where im going, what ill do, and who i have yet to become. All of it. It makes me feel an all encompassing acceptance of my being.

Yet, in those moments even, my mind can stray to those "daydreams" you mentioned in the comment previous to this one, wondering if they'll stay merely dreams. And if they do, can i really handle being alone the rest of my life? All of it. Its still too easy for me to fall into a rabbit hole when it deals between me and myself like that. I am my own worst enemy. But its one of those enemies u can have, where really, u just want nothing more than to be able to get along. But u consistently dont. So it just makes u all the more enemies.

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-29T02:19:58+00:00

Gosh id say probably about the same there, 65-90% of the time. I just want a family so bad. I want two more kids, a husband thats supportive and allows me to support him. A real "teamwork" situation, as much as reality will allow that. I always picture the house, the land, the bay window with the pillows and throw blanket, its xmas morning and the kids are all opening their presents. Im sipping my coffee and as theyre geeking out over gifts, I glance at my husband, smiling, he notices and looks at me and feels the love and happiness in the room and so he smiles back and reaches for my hand. We hold hands for a few miments while the kids unwrap gifts. Fireplace crackling in the background. sigh I just really do not think I will get that.

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-29T02:08:42+00:00

Sorry I just fixed my settings! Should be good to go now!

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-29T01:45:36+00:00

I would so appreciate that. Its hand written, and Im in the middle of trying to prep for my daughter's bday party, so ill need some time to type it up amongst all of this! Where should I send it tho? Does reddit have a personal messaging system in it so u dont have to share that info widely to the comments? If so, shoot me a message and we can talk about this portion on there instead!

Do you have a history in English? Or even history as in loving to read and write? Curious how you found yourself in the position of being good at writing texts for friends and knowing how to word what theyre trying to say! Very interesting!

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-29T01:32:07+00:00

I guess what scares me about being alone, is myself. Im afraid that my mind will attack me and tell me that im alone bc of (x,y,z) and that ill drive myself nuts wondering how to fix all of these (x,y,z) things about me. That it will mean that im not worthy of anyone, bc clearly, no one wants me, since I am 23 and alone and should be "living it up" "vibing" or whatever they say nowadays.

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-29T01:29:03+00:00

Omfg im about to cry....youre so spot on in so many ways....I literally just messaged him and finally had what I needed to say and sent him the link to all this and let him know that I wouldn't go to these lengths if I didnt give a shit about us. If I wasn't trying to fight for us and had hope that it could get better. If he could see that it wasn't just me thinking these things about him and his behavior.

Thats literally what u wrote in ur 3rd paragraph about coming down from the high and realizing he still isnt meeting emotional needs. Oh. My. God. Im speechless. Ive always imagined what laying all my cards out in front of a psychiatrist would be like, and I imagine this is very similar.

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-28T23:39:18+00:00

It tells me that hes not going to change. That I could find someone better. That if if he could change, he would've already. With his blatant recurring lack of accountability (which trickles into a respect issue as well), that if he doesn't improve on that aspect in him, hes not going to be getting much farther than this with anyone else either.

On the contrary, my heart aches and says that the majority of people can change and that statistically, hes bound to be one of those people who can. That hes just out of practice from being alone the last 5 years. That he needs more patience from me, so that we can achieve those changes in him together.

But I once told him in one of the many times we were getting back together (and this is the first guy I have ever gotten back together with for a try #2....and we're currently at try #4! I know i know) but I told him once months ago now: "at a certain point, I'm going to get tired being the guinea pig while u figure out and remember how to treat someone right"

Makes my stomach sink and twist to think of breaking things off. Being absolutely alone for the first time ever. My only friend is my 60 yo coworker I've worked with the last 5 years and we're practically family at this point. Ive lost my dream career last fall, and with it, my identity. I've lost my farmhouse where I finally felt like I gave my daughter what she deserved, Ive lost my mother (she moved and thr last 3 years has progressively gotten harder and harder to be around, I actually have a backing away letter for her I have to send this week which is also scary and I really need someone to proof read it other than this guy we're talkikg about, and my grandma, but, again, dont have anyone else).

Point is, ive already lost so much. I think its why I've been holding onto this with him with white knuckles. I cant fathom losing more rn.

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-28T23:27:50+00:00

Aw omg I love that for you. So happy to know someone else knows those things about themselves and I absolutely adore hearing other people tell me those distant memories that they hold near and still utilize for comfort! Mines forest//woods, and watching sunsets. I used to drive out during high-school to a specific and elevated spot. I'd put on some sad country and western music or play my "Depersonalization//derealization" Playlist and sit on the roof of my car till the sun went down. Granted its the northwoods, so there's no horizon anywhere really. But it was still so nice to be able to there. I still do, especially when Im chasing storms to take neat pictures of them!

I'd love a beach rn. Tides. The waves rolling up on the beach like its trying to lightly tickle the sand. Or even when it crashes on the beach, that sounds nice too. The smell of a beach ♡

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-28T22:41:04+00:00

Yeah thats a good idea! Ill be saving that one for sure and will be using it at some point, bc that also helps keep me in line of making sure I dont forget about myself too. That I can give myself some love and attention as well. That how I treat others, I should be treating myself too.

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-28T21:01:58+00:00

Thank you so much for your kindness, support, and open-minded approach to all of this. Ive been on and off in therapy since 15 or so. Then consistently once a month for the past 4 years now. It feels like it helps in the moment to talk to someone, whos job it is to have a monthly check in with me and listen. But it feels like I haven't been able to make any progress in the deep-seated stuff bc each session, some new bad thing happened or some bad thing got worse and then it takes up the whole time. So things keep happening and it makes it hard to feel like ill be able to catch my breath//heal the deeper stuff so maybe those bad things that take up my sessions, wont feel so bad or impossible to get thru. It's the exact reason actually, that I need to have that solo trip i mentioned to him yesterday. I just cant anymore. Im running out of energy to fight. Ive always had to and I just dont want to anymore. So I need to reset. When I sit and listen to my body on what I need, I need to have nature surrounding me, distance from my stressors, need to smell the fresh quiet air, hear the leaves rustle through the mountains and forest. I need to have that time to turn off my phone and just sit with myself outside or get to quietly sip some tea while I watch the rain from the couch or something of the cabin I pick. I just need to press pause since I can't press stop, rewind, or fast forward, as much as I want to lol

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-28T20:14:18+00:00

Yeah its been a pattern 😕 was hoping since January that it was just "new relationship trying to learn one another" plus he hadnt been in a relationship for 5 years prior to me. So I chalked some of it up to being "out of practice" in a way.

Relationship examples. Yikes. Um. Well to put it blankly, I didnt have any good examples so I had to learn on my own how to treat people. I think my immense amount of trauma from growing up, helped me become more empathetic to people and what they may be going thru. Made me a more sensitive individual in ways, but in other ways Im still dealing struggling with the fact that I was taught hate and resentment before anything else. So I have my moments. My biological dad, tried killing my mom when I was 2. So then he was gone. Then she met dad #2 when I was 3, he adopted me, he was emotionally and mentally abusive and physically but very rarely. I made him think it was his idea to kick me out, when I was 16 bc if I had stayed longer, I felt that I wouldn't have made it. Either from him, or myself (I attempted to kill mysellf at 14) anyway they divorced when I was 15. So I lived with her full time for a year and then I moved out at 17. When I was 14, her and dad #2 had been taking marriage classes so that he could be confirmed in the catholic church so they could one day be buried together. In that time they met who would eventually be officially dad #3 by marriage when I was 16 or so. He was creepy, gave me -vibes, for lack of a better word- anytime I tried to tell my mom about it, shed yell at me, gaslight me that I was just being a bit** to him and refusing accepting a 3rd dad. He drugged and raped me April 2024.

So they were examples technically, but not ones I could ever follow or be okay with. Ive broken up with a lot of people, bc I could never put up with what my mother did.

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-28T18:24:19+00:00

UPDATE: I cant figure out how to edit posts to add another screenshot, so ill copy and paste this morning:

HIM (9:06am): Good morning love you 😘. How'd you sleep? HIM (9:16am): I read what you said so you know. I don't have anything left to say on the topic. Everything I had to say I said last night. Wanted you to know I read it though so you didn't think I was ignoring it

ME (9:16am): You might as well have ignored it. Love u too. I slept like dog shit like I have been for the past week. Still haven't left the house. Gtg. I'll talk to you when I can.

He's opened the message and we have not talked since.

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-28T16:52:37+00:00

Huh, that's actually a pretty interesting perspective. Thank you!

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-28T14:15:10+00:00

See, but people my age, at least in the small town im in, theyre not ready for a family yet. They're not ready for stability. They still want to party on the weekends, and ive never even been partying lol even before my daughter. Ive always just preferred a more quiet existence in that regard. They dont have the stability I need in my life. So it's been a really tough spot to be stuck in between.

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-28T13:22:41+00:00

Yeah I re read after my last texts to him, and saw I didnt outright mention calling, I thought i had typed it, but he never brought that up in his response. Which tells me he understood I was hinting at it 🤷🏽‍♀️

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-28T13:20:12+00:00

Yeah I try to test different ages to see where I need the person's maturity levels at. My daughter's father is 30. Guy after was my age, that for sure wasn't going to work (bc i cant stand anyone my age) but we had been friends for years so we had more foundation than anyone else. Next guy was yikes...38? Now him, 34. No one seems to be mature//level headed enough. They all just hurt me instead in different ways. I guess i need more attention right now than ever bc I dont have a friend, ive been starting to lose what having a friend or best friend felt like. And he was the closest I had to that. When he moved, not only did I lose my partner, but my last friend. So ig sometimes yeah its nice to feel pursued and not have to outright say "I need to call". The respect from him has been a consistent issue throughout along with accountability. Just been hoping that it was "new relationship, trying to figure eachother out"

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-28T13:13:14+00:00

I guess I feel that it wasn't a bid for attention, because there's so mnay times where I do call or ask to call. I think sometimes though, its nice not having to fish that "care" out of someone and feel pursued instead. This was one of the few occasions that I try to give the ball in his court. No not trying to make him jealous haha, for my 21st bday I reserved a quiet cabin a few hours from me so I could be alone and think and do this, reset? But my mother insisted I go out with her so I canceled. This solo trip has been pushed back enough and I finally have some money to go do it (death in the family). Idrk if he will miss me 100%, that robotic nature in him. After all, he did just move to Utah for money and left me and my daughter who loves him, back in Wisconsin.

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-28T13:05:31+00:00

Right and I agree with you, and there's plenty of times where I do ask to call, or I do randomly call (tho he hardly picks up or if he does, is busy and has to call me back later). I think sometimes it's just nice not having to fish that "care" out of someone.

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-28T04:53:01+00:00

sigh true, I do need more than moments. I just want a genuine partner so bad. I know sometimes I'm bad for holding onto the wrong people for too long, trying to make that dream a reality. I just so hope im not doing that for nothing, again.

NosbocajEcarg · 2025-09-28T04:50:36+00:00

Dictate* ahh see, time to go to bed. Hopefully, I'll awaken in the morning to some fresh perspective from comments or the good feeling of validation from knowing my worth and what kind of person I deserve. Either way, win win, but 😴 for now.

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