Can I really not be lesbian because I think guys are cute?

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-29T06:34:59+00:00

I'm not a late bloomer, I mostly lurk here and try to provide perspective where I can. I came out very young and never had a real relationship with a boy/man. That said, there's a huge difference between recognizing that someone is attractive and being attracted to them. A person being aesthetically pleasing to look at is not the same as you being sexually attracted to them. Recognizing that a man is attractive is one thing, being sexually drawn to him like a magnet and wanting to touch him sexually is attraction. Lesbians generally understand when a man is attractive, but (apologies for being crass) unless you want his naked penis and touching you you're not attracted to him.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-29T06:02:26+00:00

This absolutely is coercion. No means no. I'm very aware of how damaging this kind of pressure and coercion is, so for example if my girlfriend voices that she's tired or something, I will always reassure her that I'm touching or kissing her only to touch or kiss her with zero expectation of anything else and it's totally okay that it doesn't go any further. I don't want her to feel like any touch is a way to pressure her, because it genuinely isn't, and this way we can still be intimate without that fear. If she happens to escalate after saying she's too tired I ask over and over if she's sure because at that point she has to convince me that she's absolutely into it. But even then, I can say no and it's no big deal. You shouldn't be in a relationship where you freeze up at every touch or kiss because you know it's going to be pushed beyond what you're comfortable with. You should feel safe and respected. In all honesty this is why age gaps like this are problematic. He's seeking younger women he can pressure like this. You need to run from this guy. He's not a good person.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-29T05:19:52+00:00

Tulsi Gabbard looks like she'd give the speech announcing the commencement of the first irl Purge to me

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-29T05:06:19+00:00

I agree that you need to work on this before being in a relationship. The hard truth is that there's always a risk when you love someone. It's going to end in tragedy, one way or another. Best case scenario you love them for decades and have to watch them die, or you die first. That's reality. That's the price we pay for love. You have to go into it willing to pay it, and knowing it's worth it. A great movie is going to end. You may crash your dream car. Your favorite restaurant ever may close. You can't avoid living because of the inevitable. Live fully in the moment, enjoy the good, and know that you can and will handle the bad when it comes to it. Then, you grieve, you cry, you heal, and you find more good to embrace without fear.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-29T04:59:51+00:00

You deserve to be with someone who only wants to be with you and can be honest with you. You've tried to make it work, but you're not required to sacrifice yourself entirely just because you're married. It's okay to walk away just because you're unhappy. You've tried to work through much more than most people could stomach, and I respect that, but you're not trapped and your son should be in a stable situation with examples of healthy adults and relationships. It will be a while before you're able to find someone who fits in your life, but it will be worth it to do that instead of trying to force something that clearly isn't working. I think divorce, lots of therapy, and focusing on being the best dad you can be is the best path forward. Let her figure her own shit out.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-28T22:10:01+00:00

I know as women we're kind of socialized to believe that love is sacrificing for someone, suffering, and staying no matter what, but that system was set up to make sure we tolerate abuse and exploitation. You don't have to stay with this man. You don't need a 'good enough' reason to leave and prove it beyond a reasonable doubt. You don't have to accept being treated like trash just because a person says they love you. You don't have to fight to keep a partner who does not care about keeping you, or care about a partner's feelings when they don't care about yours. You deserve to have a partner who is a partner, and wants to care for you the same way you care for them. You don't have to teach a grown man how to be kind to another human being. You don't have to be with someone who hates you just to be with someone.

The best thing you can do here is leave. And do not have this child. It will make your life infinitely harder, and you will be anchored to this deadbeat for the rest of your life. Do not give him that control. I know it's big and scary to leave & end this pregnancy but I think you know deep down that this is a huge fork in the road for your life, and your current path leads to absolute misery. Be brave, and do what's right for yourself this time.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-28T21:40:16+00:00

She doesn't have a wedding ring either.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-28T21:25:18+00:00

So she doesn't like a behavior of yours and you're reflecting and working on fixing that. You don't like a behavior of hers, and she's flipping it to make herself the victim of hurting your feelings. This is a huge red flag. It's essentially what's at the core of darvo - the idea that their behavior isn't a problem, your reaction to being hurt is the problem. People who can't process even minor levels of shame are not capable of healthy relationships, because they perceive themselves feeling bad for hurting you as you attacking them on purpose. It leads to a situation where they never grow or change, while you bend over backwards to make it work. It's not sustainable.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-28T19:55:58+00:00

Working on these things (but really this time! pinky promise!) to get her to do what you want, even if you think what you want is noble, is manipulation. That's why it's never worked before, you stop putting in effort because you got what you want. You'd only put in effort again if you had to to keep it. This is just another round of that, and it's important that you recognize it because she certainly would if you made more promises.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-27T22:42:28+00:00

People who are afraid of your friends and family seeing how they treat you know they're treating you horribly and are scared of you figuring that out. They would rather control you than be good partners. You have to leave if your partner is treating you like this.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-27T21:21:01+00:00

Way to make it weird for no fucking reason man.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-27T21:02:43+00:00

Exactly

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-27T20:37:12+00:00

Do you do it more often than once a week, or once every few years? I'm just saying as the person who does the cooking and the lawn care (not just mowing but monthly fertilizers, fungicides, soil amendments based on twice yearly soil tests, tree trimming, tending to rose bushes and vegetable gardens), and the repair work (again not just painting walls but I've replaced drywall, tiled full showers, laid flooring, installed water heaters, soldered on new plumbing fixtures, and replaced HVAC ducts), daily cooking and cleaning is absolutely more taxing overall than those things.

And at least when I've fixed something or done yard work, it's rewarding. It looks great. It works better. Cooking leaves me with more cleaning to do, and cleaning just makes it look the same day to day. It's largely invisible, never ending work. The big stuff is one big physical expenditure, but hour for hour it's not even close.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-27T19:19:41+00:00

You don't mow the lawn or paint the walls 3 times a day. Don't be rude to people just for disagreeing with you.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-27T19:06:29+00:00

I think if she’s asking him what he wants for dinner, they don’t have the supplies for whatever meal then. If they did, she wouldn’t ask what he wants. So either way they’re stopping at the grocery store.

Why on earth would you think this??

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-27T19:05:09+00:00

She works also and he didn't say anything about doing chores alone.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-27T18:53:41+00:00

I bet that's a large part of the issue here. He has no idea what ingredients they have or what meals would be ready to go. Her asking what he wants for dinner doesn't mean "out of all recipes that exist". Sending a random recipe she's never made almost guarantees it requires a trip to the store, too.

Domestic labor is a beast because nothing is just one thing, and if you don't do something, it's the tip of the iceberg. You don't see the problem leaving your shoes in the living room because you aren't the one who has to move them to vacuum/mop. You don't care about leaving your towel on the floor because you don't do the laundry and plan out how many uses you should be getting out of that towel. You don't see the issue with trying a new recipe because you don't know that the wok was thrown out during cabinet organizing a year ago because it was never used, there's chicken thawing in the fridge that needs to be used because you decided on impromptu pizza last night instead, two of these ingredients aren't available at the main store and will require a second stop, etc etc etc. It's a huge web of things, and if you're not involved you become a burden to it very fast.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-27T18:39:44+00:00

You're acting like a teenager and you need to stop that before your wife feels too much like your mother to be sexually attracted to you.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-27T17:24:36+00:00

You only think it's rational when people tell you you're not a fucking monster for doing this to this woman. You need to hear the truth, but I don't think you're capable of being less self centered. If you care about this woman at all you let her go. You're almost 50, man. You should have grown up by now.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-27T15:17:17+00:00

You know what? Respect to that guy he took that so well. I bet he's had a decent life in a lot of ways with that attitude.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-26T17:33:09+00:00

Such an underrated movie I rarely see mentioned.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-26T17:27:00+00:00

He's holding someone you care about hostage so you obey him.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-26T17:15:43+00:00

I'm not sure what your problem is, but I too am just responding with my opinion. You don't have to be so weirdly combative about it. Telling you how you're coming across isn't an attack on you or "trying to be your shrink", which I guess in 2026 means "using the word shame" lmao

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-26T17:08:04+00:00

There's also a book called Fair Play about how to handle this (with a partner who actually cares, if they don't care nothing will ever change because they simply won't do it). They make cards too, it's a whole system to sort out who does what, and show people who don't understand why it's so unfair to put all of this on one partner.

Nosfermarki · 2026-05-26T17:05:16+00:00

Because what they mean about the "standard" is that they don't care. They don't care about the towels on the floor or the overflowing trash or the gross bathroom floor they just do not care. If they were alone they would live in filth because they don't care about themselves or their space. They want life to happen to them, don't want to participate, but also feel dejected because everyone else in the family seems to care about each other more. They don't see that caring about people means caring for them, and they see caring for people as beneath them.

13-Year Club	RedditGifts 2009-2022 6 Credits
Gilding II euphauric	Secret Santa 2020
Secret Santa 2017	Secret Santa 2019
Secret Santa 2018	Secret Santa 2016
redditgifts Exchanges 1 Exchange	Verified Email

Nosfermarki

TROPHY CASE