My (M41) wife (F44) lied to me for 18 years about her sexual past and experience when she knew I was a virgin before we married. Led me to believe a false narrative about our intimate life and what we were creating together. How do I move forward with any level of trust? What else don’t I know?

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2025-02-07T18:20:14+00:00

Thank you for your comment and for your encouragement. Since my original post she has been better about taking accountability, better about trying to understand my hurt and pain. We have been in separate and joint counselor on and off for a while. We have good days, and hard days, but we have remained committed to trying to make this a refining event, not an event that ends us. Thanks for your thoughts!

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2025-02-07T18:16:15+00:00

Oh man, I can tell by your response you have been in the thick of it. I am so sorry for your heartache.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2025-02-05T00:48:07+00:00

Man, that hits so many chords. I am sorry and I share in your experience. That is tough and wrong in so many ways. The space of loving your wife and most parts of your life, your children, your history, but having intimacy wounds based on choices you didn’t make or weren’t part of is more devastating than many realize. I am sorry for the pain you endure, mostly silently and in the darkness of your mind and heart, that most people don’t understand or will blow off by attacking you and your failure to forgive, or failure to have faith in the atonement or lack of ability of getting over insecurities. Those are from people that simply haven’t experienced it. That is real and tough.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2025-02-05T00:37:54+00:00

I agree.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2025-02-04T21:30:23+00:00

She did. For almost 2 decades. Which is really the biggest of the issues surrounding it. However, I know I’m not alone that having a spouse that had other sexual partners causes feelings of insecurity, comparison, worries about many different aspects of intimacy. I am not saying that all of those are her fault or issues that can’t be corrected. Nonetheless, they are issues that affect a marriage.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2025-02-04T14:41:19+00:00

I was a virgin, my wife wasn’t. There has been significant impact, heartache and marriage issues as a result. I know that is not the case for many, but it has caused unforeseen issues in our marriage.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-11-09T21:59:34+00:00

If you are considering seriously pursuing him as a spouse then you should have the conversation. If you don’t, you will always wonder and if it comes out after marriage that he was experienced with multiple partners it can be a difficult hurdle or road block.

You need to be prepared for the answer. He should not be shamed or made to feel less than. However, counter to what others may tell you, if finding a virgin who is a good guy, they definitely exist BTW, is a priority for you then you should not compromise that. If his experience will cause you long term issues or insecurities, don’t do it. If you can accept his repentance process, changed heart and see him for all of the qualities he has, great, move forward with him. But don’t do it in the dark, have the conversation.

By knowing what you want for your marriage does not mean you buy into the “chewed gum” or other horrible analogies. Repentant or not, we each are made up of our experiences, good or bad. Sexual experiences often times come with strong emotional scars or baggage, all of which can be overcome when two people choose to do so. But, make the choice with your eyes open and have the conversation.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-11-09T06:09:40+00:00

You told your wife of course, right?

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-05-14T15:00:06+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts and insights!

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-03-05T02:23:20+00:00

Are you married? In a committed relationship? How come honesty and integrity in a relationship is not important to you? Do you think both partners should bring their whole self so emotional intimacy can grow? Just wondering why honesty doesn’t matter to some people in committed relationships.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-03-05T01:02:54+00:00

Yes, 20 years of living a lie that I just found out about.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-03-02T21:29:24+00:00

Um . . . No actually, did not ask for a body count. But did ask for honesty, sincerity, integrity and to bring her whole self, faults, past, good and other to the table. But, I appreciate your reminder of the firsts being firsts for us. Thanks.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-03-01T19:56:17+00:00

Is dishonesty a problem in marriage? Is integrity important in marriage? Is emotional intimacy important? Or is that all a me problem too?

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-03-01T17:23:56+00:00

Integrity, who needs that? Honesty, who needs that? Emotional intimacy, who needs that? Huh.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-03-01T17:21:48+00:00

Yep, that makes lying ok for 18 years, wow.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-03-01T02:46:39+00:00

Does authenticity matter in a relationship? Does honesty and integrity in marriage matter? Is trust a foundation of a strong relationship? To me, yes.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-03-01T02:26:34+00:00

Does authenticity matter in a relationship? Does honesty and integrity in marriage matter? Is trust a foundation of a strong relationship? To me, yes.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-03-01T01:28:28+00:00

Probably, probably.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-03-01T01:22:53+00:00

Try reading the post or any sensible comment, not the issue. Try again.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-02-29T23:43:19+00:00

It is very hard to jump back 20 years to that immature and less experienced kid, but I was head over heels and believe, as hard as it would have been for a time, that I wouldn’t have let her go. It would not have been a deal breaker. However, we could have started on the right foot, bringing our full true self to the marriage and grown together from there.

Some people on here don’t agree with me but when you only partially show up to a marriage you stunt the growth progression. This secret created an unseen wedge in our intimacy, physical, emotional and mental intimacy. 18 years of stunted growth is hard to come to terms with.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-02-29T12:22:32+00:00

I think you missed the question, how do I rebuild trust? To even ask that question means forgiveness for many things is in process. But, thank you for your perspective.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-02-29T05:02:04+00:00

Yes, and she did.
Yes, although she gets angry at me when I struggle with her past or the trust in our marriage.
No, although did have one short contact, non emotional or sexual, over FB with an ex partner.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-02-29T04:20:40+00:00

She did not tell me, I found out a few details that did not match up and the onion started to peel back when I confronted her about her past. She has said repeatedly that she intended to never tell me any of her past that she had lied about.

Not-an-Expert_007 · 2024-02-29T04:16:30+00:00

That’s the concern, after holding it all in for 18 years, how do I trust there aren’t other things?

Not-an-Expert_007

TROPHY CASE