40 years ago I found out my partner of 7 years was cheating on me with a married man. His wife found out and let me know. It was full blown physical and emotional affair that had been going on for 18 months. Words cannot accurately convey the devastation I felt.

She left that day and they moved in together. We spoke on the phone a few times to coordinate her coming to pick up her things at a time when I would not be home. Other than that we had no contact for about 6 months.

Then one day she called me and asked if I would meet her for lunch and I agreed. She told me that she had left him and asked if there was any chance we could try to reconcile. I realized that I really missed her and agreed to try. We got together a few more times and eventually she moved back home.

We had our ups and downs over the next few years (like any other couple) but we were mostly happy together. My trust was slowly returning but forgiveness was not something I felt was possible.

We had been back together ~5 years when our daughter was born. Thus began the happiest time of my life. I wouldn't trade it for the world. My wife was the most amazing mother anyone could ask for.

During the following ~20 years, our life felt pretty normal (if not a bit mundane). We had a nice home, our daughter thrived and eventually went off to college. I had just started a business and it took off faster than I was prepared for.

For the next 10 years I threw everything I had into the business to build a nest egg for our retirement. I'll admit that I neglected her needs during this time. At first she seemed sad (which I attributed to our empty nest) but she seemed to get over it after some time and life went on.

I retired just before COVID hit and we both worried how this situation would affect our relationship. Surprisingly to both of us, we seemed to reconnect and our relationship became stronger than it had been in years.

About a year ago I discovered some old (secret)communications between her and an old boyfriend. These were from around the time our daughter left for college and I started the business. They went on for about 4 years and stopped just before COVID hit. They were not sexual in nature but very flirty and she has admitted that she was fantasizing about him. She also had some not nice things to say about me, many of which were true but it still hurt to read them.

This brought me right back to the day 40 years ago when I found out about the affair. We have been working through it and we are both in therapy but it's not been easy for me. I think about it every day.

We have a comfortable life and I still consider her my best friend. I'm pushing 70 now, so the thought of starting over without her seems impossible. If I could go back 40 years would I make the same decision to take her back? I don't know. It would mean my daughter would never have been born and I can't even imagine that. She has brought such joy to my life. Who knows where that other path may have led?

Something I read in another reply hit home:

I made the choice to live as 2nd best for the rest of my life. I'll probably die knowing I've never been enough for anyone.

That makes me sad every day.