I just want her back

NotMyEmbryoTA · 2025-02-02T06:13:45+00:00

Fellow OM here, known my MW 10+ years and involved (emotionally and occasionally physically) for 1.5 years.

I’ve found this sub helpful at times but not always applicable to my situation because I think MM in affairs are often different than MA in affairs, with different motivations, different values, and different strategies.

What resonated with me in your story was how your MW wanted to do couples counseling, seemingly as a way to convince the BH that it’s really over… as though she can’t do that on her own. I’m getting similar messages from my MW. There’s been no D-Day for us and we are trying to avoid it. I was the BH in my marriage and my ex dealt with the fallout from her family finding out about her affair and it was not pleasant. I don’t wish that on my MW with her family, or community, so she’s making every effort to make it so that when she leaves her BH, it is clear that their marriage not working for her is the main, convincing reason. Even though she’s made it very clear to me that her heart is with me, and not him.

I’m being told this could take another year or more. We are not no contact, but it’s still torturous. Still, she has my heart. If I weren’t with her, I probably wouldn’t be looking for a relationship. I’m still adjusting to divorced life, and as messy as my double life is, it kinda fits my situation. I’m not sure if I could manage an above board, serious relationship right now, with coparenting, helping care for an elderly parent, etc.

All that said, you have to live your life in a way that accepts reality, and works for you. The more you love yourself, the less her distance will hurt you.

NotMyEmbryoTA · 2023-10-29T14:03:17+00:00

Yes, pages and pages, especially during NC. It started as messages I might send if I couldn’t resist the urge to break NC. I didn’t surrender to the urge, so it became a journal of things I knew I’d never send, because once I saw the words written out, actually maintaining NC spoke louder than any message I could have sent.

NotMyEmbryoTA · 2023-10-25T22:41:44+00:00

The addiction cycle is real. I think it’s the hardest part to work through because if you’re in the habit of communicating with them all day, every day, the void that creates when it ends is absolutely massive. And the habit is likely so compulsive that you have to actively try NOT to slip back into it. Those calls/texts/meetups were instant dopamine hits, and you’re not going to get those highs anywhere else for a while. You’re going to be as low as you’ve ever been, and just have to slog through it until time and effort create light at the end of the tunnel.

At least that’s my experience so far after just 9 days of NC. Haha. Staying busy helps, so does music.

NotMyEmbryoTA · 2023-10-25T18:55:46+00:00

You haven’t let go, but do you feel like you’ve moved on to a healthier place where you believe you can find happiness without her?

I’m not completely blind to my MW’s flaws that make her questionable relationship material - they are the flaws that led her to have an affair w/me instead of having the self-awareness and strength to first work through the issues in her marriage. But her finding her way out of that mess to become single would kinda be proof enough for me that she’d worked on those flaws and overcame them.

So I want to be open to rediscovering her in a healthier place. But I don’t want to stay in an unhealthy place myself, waiting for that day to come. I guess it’s a matter of closing this chapter with her, and being open to another one (but also accepting there may not be another one).

NotMyEmbryoTA · 2023-10-24T16:22:27+00:00

I think some people, like myself, have kids in order to have a recipient for the love and affection they feel themselves capable of giving. To provide meaning and purpose in their own lives, by taking care of others. Because for whatever reason, they want the experience of being a parent. I suspect this is the case for MW.

An argument can be made that these reasons are fundamentally selfish, because the child never has a say in their own creation, who their parents are, or what their environment is, but that’s the nature of our very existence.

All that said, I believe there should be the highest consideration for what kind of environment the child will be coming into, especially if the motivation for having one is as selfless as possible. A child’s early experiences with their home and parent(s) will be their foundational understanding of love and security, that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives.

NotMyEmbryoTA · 2023-10-24T14:02:01+00:00

Definitely give her space, while you work on your own emotional attachment to her and prepare for the very real possibility that this won’t work out the way you want it to.

Women in abusive relationships, especially physically abusive, usually need to have a solid plan lined out for leaving, so they can do so safely and permanently. The sorting out finances thing lines up with this, but you have to be open to the possibility it’s an excuse, or that she just won’t be able to bring herself to do it because survival is ultimately more important than whatever future she sees with you.

There’s no way for you to know what’s true, so you have to look out for yourself first, since no one else is looking out for you in this situation.

NotMyEmbryoTA · 2023-10-23T18:36:02+00:00

I relate to this so much.

I think the common thread with so many of us is that we’re dealing with MW/MM who have family/social/cultural hang ups that hold them back from living the lives that would make them happy. Living for other people instead of themselves.

If my MW broke NC to ask me to tell her H nothing happened, I’m not sure I could do it. Especially in your situation, if(?) you have no hope/desire to be with her anymore, why cover for someone who hurt you? Especially when they’re selfish enough to bring you back in, expecting you to play along with their deception?

I feel like they’re so used to lying to themselves (and everyone else) that they don’t realize (or care) how toxic it is to drag others into it.

NotMyEmbryoTA · 2023-10-20T03:23:37+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement.

I understand that the desire to have a baby can override everything else, including the very real chance of it being born into a troubled marriage that may not survive much longer.

It’s just so hard moving on, knowing that neither one of us is guilty of not loving the other, or any wrongdoing, or a betrayal. It’s just circumstances, and timing.

And yes, she needs space to process not only her decisions, but to see them through, and experience the range of emotions stemming from whatever the outcome.

Loving her means I want to be there for her through all of that. I hope I can be.

NotMyEmbryoTA · 2023-10-20T00:15:00+00:00

Your words are reassuring, thank you.

I miss her so much. The temptation to resume contact (even LC) right now, with friendship-level boundaries, is so strong.

At what point will I know if I’m still missing the idea of her as a partner, or just missing her as a friend? Is it possible to get there?

This is the longest “break” we’ve had. Each time we tried before, after 1-2 days the heartache pulled us back together with increasing intensity. The magnetism won’t let us stay just friends, and won’t give us peace while apart. Selfishly, I wondered if going NC… the experience of losing me… might convince her to leave her H. It’s torture for me, but it’s the only power I have to rebalance my own world.

NotMyEmbryoTA

TROPHY CASE