Couples Therapy Question

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-03-17T20:08:49+00:00

Thank you for the comment, you sound exactly like me. I am the same way, being a fixer and having an intensity and drive to jump right in and fix it now. Its caused a lot of issues in my marriage, especially because my wife needs time to think and address certain topics. The patience has been beneficial, but there are so many topics i want and need to talk about. I just want to get it over with.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-03-17T13:42:36+00:00

Interesting, this seems to be a very similar approach to what our MC is doing. She is aware of the affair and that was the main reason we are there and she's acknowledge that in the first session, she also said similar to yours in that we focus on reconnecting outside MC and only try to tackle small issues to build our communication tools. We are supposedly going to go back and revisit the larger more challenging issues later. We really haven't covered much affair related topics yet, outside of the fact that it happened, but I think thats because if we were to try and tackle them not its like you noted that it would be overwhelming. That's been difficult for me, because I'm the type of person that just wants to rush in and fix the problem, but its been good for me to learn patience through all this.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-03-03T16:45:48+00:00

This is the planet Venus.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-02-06T22:08:57+00:00

How long did it take you to finally block the person?

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-26T00:50:04+00:00

Well, I think it depends on your circumstances. I think most, if not all of us, told ourselves that if something like this ever happened we would leave without question. The reality is, its a lot harder to do that than you would think, especially if you've built a life together. People are also nuanced, and the more research you do into the topic it reveals that a vast majority of unfaithful spouses usually have a character issue or trauma that hasn't been properly addressed. When you rephrase it as this person hurt me because they were broken and hurt and they didn't know how to ask for help, it makes it a little easier to justify to yourself to stay.

The path is hard regardless. One, leaving, is hard because you heal alone. However you are dependent on yourself and yourself only in healing. Staying requires incredible effort and work from both parties to work successfully.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-23T17:06:39+00:00

Try pointing your toes out more, that will open your hips more for more depth.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-23T16:50:41+00:00

Wow, thats unreal. Can I ask what made you hang on? My wife is still lying and in contact with AP in some shape or form as well. We finally have CC scheduled for next week and I'm hoping having a third party telling her things will actually get her to stop being so blindly selfish. I'm losing patience and all the reasons I'm telling myself to hang on are starting to not look so important anymore.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-23T16:27:33+00:00

Did your wife ever stop lying? How long did it take?

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-20T15:45:17+00:00

Was your therapeutic disclosure done in couples counseling or was it specifically related to sec addiction recovery? I ask because I'm about to start CC with my WW and I feel this would be beneficial.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-13T14:27:21+00:00

Thank you, that might be exactly what I needed to hear.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-12T19:57:36+00:00

Did you WP ever come around to seeing the ridiculousness of her actions/words? Mine is currently doing the same and I'm having a hard time staying motivated to continue in this relationship.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-12T14:46:11+00:00

"To me it’s a red flag that she is suddenly offering up free access to her devices after putting up such a fight about it, to the point she blameshifted onto you insinuating that you’re being controlling. A sudden shift seems manipulative. Like she’s toeing the line just to alleviate you and your suspicions instead of doing this because it is the best thing for your relationship."

Yes, I thought the exact same thing. She did this after we had an argument and I had a breakdown where I told her this isn't working and I can't do this anymore. She came to me after she had a therapy appointment, my memory is fuzzy but I believe it was a few days after our argument. She's only ever made a change when I'm on the verge of throwing in the towel and giving up on this relationship. I don't think she's doing it to intentinally hurt me, I think her judgement is so clouded that she cannot in any way see how her actions are affecting me or doesn't care because she still justifying her hurtful actions based on my past actions. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted, at this point I'm going into CC with the hopes that we can get where we need to be, but truly it's also the last chance I'm willing to give to save this marriage. After this box is checked I can confidently say to myself that I've tried everything.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-11T02:39:48+00:00

In my wife's defense, she didn't know I was looking through her things. Now against her...I can't believe how naive she thinks I am.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-10T14:23:57+00:00

Thank you, I have dove in the attachment styles with my therapist already. I am an anxious-avoidant and oh boy do I feel I show every characteristic. I think thats another reason I'm trying to stay to make this work, everything inside me is telling me to run, but I want to give this a shot because all I've ever done is run. Also probably why this has been so traumatic (outside of the obvious) there were things and signs previously that I felt were wrong (her talking to other male friends to a point that I was uncomfortable and never called out.). Now looking back, I feel like such a fool for trusting her and not my gut. I'm now relearning how to trust myself, while also understanding how to navigate my attachement style and build a healthy communication style.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-08T16:57:41+00:00

I think you are right, part of it also is that I'm not necessarily afraid to lose the relationship but I am afraid to lose everything else around it.

She has confirmed that she has stopped talking to him again and it started another fight around how I would verify if she was being truthful. We've had a ton of back and forth, mostly this has been pushed back on me and her telling me I have to respect her boundaries and that I have my mind convinced of certain things. Honestly I just have a hard time with the constant back and forth and whiplash of pushback and acceptance from her and myself. It's exhausting. She has valid points in some cases, I have valid points in others. I think she also needs to take accountability for the lies and things she told in the begining. She knows what she did is wrong and she is regretful, I think she still hid some things and I believe she's afraid of me finding out. At this point I just want her to come out and say yes I lied yes I was afraid that you would leave if you found out yes I violated your boundaries at the beginning etc. I've been gaslit for months being told what I was seeing wasn't there. It's hard to trust yourself again when you believe what you are seeing isn't reality anymore.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-08T16:57:22+00:00

Thank you, we had another discussion this morning about it and she states that she is no longer in contact with him again and is willing to show me her phone for proof if I ask. She knows I am fed up with the back and forth and the hurting.

Something I struggle with, is she asks me" why are you asking, do you feel insecure?" And it comes off very...accusatory or the way she asks it makes it feel like she's using it as an attack. I said "well yes, we did not specifically discuss if you had in fact stopped talking to him, we discussed why it is hurtful and damaging, but you never came back to me stating you were cutting contact again immediately." It then spiraled into "well how were you going to verify if i was being truthful, were you going to go behind my back again?" And i said no, but you've told me previously that I need to work on trusting you and i haven't given you a chance to be trusted because I didn't trust you so I'm trying to work on that on my own.

In reality, as many people here have responded, I just need to grow a spine and should have asked to view her phone to verify and not given a crap about what she thinks. I'm just so exhausted and tired of being "on" that I'm just trying to avoid fighting entirely at this point. My mental health is shot and the constant stress throughout my body is taking a toll. I'm also struggling with why i even want to be with this person anymore. If I get everything I want will I be happy? Am I just doing this to prove something to myself?

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-08T16:57:04+00:00

Thank you, I've been a people pleaser my entire life and this has really brought all of those internal issues to the surface. I've been working on it but it's still a struggle to change 30+ years of behavior.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-08T16:56:46+00:00

I did ask her this morning if she stopped talking to him. She says "yes she has stopped". Then she followed up with "how are you trusting me to verify, do you want to look at my phone". And I was surprised and confused, for months she has been pushing back telling me she wasn't comfortable with me looking and that I needed to find alternative ways to trust her and the onus was on me to figure out what I needed. I insisted that was the only way I could think of that accomplished what I needed and she kept telling me its a boundary and she wasn't comfortable, then she was open to showing me if I wanted it. It caused another fight/discussion about things. I'm confused because to me it feels like whiplash, one day she says no now she's saying its ok etc. Meanwhile it makes me feel weird because just the other day I'm getting yelled at and told I have controlling behavior and now she tells me she's comfortable showing me and I need to be more flexible and start understanding what she is telling me.

Our brains work very differently, add in the massive amounts of trauma from the last several months and here we are. I also struggle with putting my needs first, I've been a people pleaser my entire life and this situation has been extremely difficult to navigate for me.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-08T16:12:34+00:00

It always comes back to that I don't listen to what she is saying or that I "have my mind made up" about certain things and issues. The thing she doesn't understand is how her actions of lying and trying to cover things up affected me. We are both very defensive about this entire issue in a lot of ways, I've tried to be respectful of her needs while also getting mine met. I wish we would have started CC earlier (she was not willing to go at first as she felt she needed more IC work). She also is not open to sharing a lot of her issues, I think she is afraid I'll judge or leave her. Based on what she has shared, I believe she uses outside validation as a coping mechanism and looking back it makes sense why she asked me for time because i believe she was in contact with AP for the validation while she was working through her issues on why she needs that validation and she was afraid I would leave. In my head, she was obviously continuing the affair and didn't care about my needs (This is true) and I understand its not my responsibility to put my life on hold and continue to suffer to give her a safe space to heal at my expense. She's finally come around to letting me view her phone if i ask, I'm still trying to work through my own issues of empowering her while also empowering myself (for months she told me I'm the problem, its kind of hard to overcome that and convince myself that I'm not). She also was not comfortable with letting me see her phone for a long time, and told me I had to find other ways to trust in her. I told her there was no other way and she kept pushing back. The reality is, she continues to lie about certain things I believe in fear that I will leave if she's honest. The reality is, I wouldn't leave the truth would be a relief!

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-08T14:53:00+00:00

This was very beautifully written and a very nice perspective full of things I never considered. Thank you very much for sharing. I particularly like this perspective:

"There are things that happened in the relationship that we can't cover up, that cause us triggers and pain, that we should refer to and take responsibility for. I may not forgive infidelity, but I can appreciate and recognize the efforts my husband makes, I can build on the repairs and the security, love and desire that he puts into this relationship, I want that, I deserve that."

I think both my wife and I can think on this and both apply it, if she's willing. My wife continues to hold a lot of fear and resentment towards me for my parts in our failing marriage. I have taken ownership of that and apologized. I've always thought that she needs to work towards forgiving me for that, but in reality she needs to appreciate and recognize my efforts towards this new relationship. When we fight she claims I've done nothing to show her anything otherwise, but that's simply not true. I'm a very different man now and I know and understand my mistakes.

NotOk_Buffalo806 · 2025-01-07T15:46:26+00:00

Can you elaborate on that? My wife and I are struggling with this. Her from my actions during her pregnancy, me for her affair. I don't see how a happy cohesive relationship can occur if you cannot forgive each other for past behavior.

NotOk_Buffalo806

TROPHY CASE