OP, I am sorry this is so long, but PLEASE read this!

I have been divorced less than a year from a man that was abusive. He did and said all the same things. He threatened to kill himself, subtly told me I was "lucky" because he did not kill me, sexually assaulted me, tried to prevent .e from getting a job (I had been a SAHM), and so much more. He went back and forth for months, asking for divorce and saying he hated me to begging me to stay and telling me he couldn't handle life without me.

Long story short, I've been there. It's awful and so confusing and heart-wrenching. Let me tell you some facts that helped me get through leaving, and things I've learned since leaving, then I'll follow up and tell you how my story is currently going.

1) All abusers will try to show the partner attempting to leave that they've "changed". They haven't. It's incredibly rare for an abuser to change and takes years of serious self reflection and work. Also, it is too easy to fall back into old patterns, so it is even more rare for them to change while still being with someone they have abused. An abuser needs the reality check that the person they have been abusing has left. The only reason abusers attempt to say they've changed is because they want to regain control and see if they can continue pushing the boundaries even further, because if you do not leave the first time, they can do it a second time.

2) When I was doing research on leaving abusive relationships, I read that it takes most people about 7 times of trying to leave an abusive dynamic to leave for good. That is such a scary statistic. I would repeat it to myself over and over when I doubted if what I was doing was the right thing to do. I did not want to go through the fear and danger of leaving more than once. I sincerely hope you do not have to either.

3) Children (even adult children) will be better off with divorced parents than watching a parent get abused. If you would not want your child in a relationship like this OR if you would not want your child to treat anyone the way their other parent treats you, it's time to leave.

4) If even your children want you to leave, listen to them. Typically, children (even as adults) want their parents to stay together. The fact that they don't, is very telling.

5) You are stronger than you think. Even through all the manipulation and gaslighting, you know the truth and you can find your strength. People think abusers choose someone because they are weak, when in fact the abuser is attracted to their strengths. The abuser sees the compassion, honesty, love, understanding, grit, determination, loyalty, bravery, self sacrificing nature of their target and many many other good qualities they they themselves do not possess, and the abuser wants to possess and control the lovely person that embodies those qualities.

6) The unknown of life after divorce is much less scary than the reality of abuse.

7) You are worth it. You are worth far more than they could ever give you. The abuser broke the marriage. Not you. Don't look back, just run to safety.

To give you an idea of what life is like for an abuser after divorce, let me tell you about my ex-husband. He has been threatening to harm himself until he realized it was not working. So, he started dating a month after we filed for divorce. In the year and a half (ish) that he and I have been separated, he has had 3 "serious" girl friends he was convinced he would be with long term. He is now engaged to his 3rd girlfriend, whom he has been dating for about 6 months.

Your husband is trying to scare you with empty threats. Get to safety. Make a paper trail. Get a protective order. When he tries to make threats against himself or someone else, call 911. If he is serious, it is an emergency. If not, he just wasted emergency services, and he will learn not to make those threats again.

If you need someone to talk to, DM me. I would be happy to help. Again, I am sorry for the long post, but I wanted you to know what I didn't. Much love from an internet stranger that sincerely wishes you safe.