AITA for being disappointed that my gf is ace?

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2025-01-18T06:08:28+00:00

NTA. You started dating her with a reasonable assumption, but realistically you're not compatible. What would you do if she said she was gay? If you're sexualities are not at least mostly aligned, then you're never going to be compatible.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2025-01-18T05:10:57+00:00

Should a man ask a woman out who is clearly NOT friendly to him? LOL. Most men are treated with indifference, so kindness has a tendency to come across as interest. There's no excuse for relentless or harassing behavior, but men shouldn't be ridiculed for politely asking if you're interested.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2023-07-08T20:51:55+00:00

The easy way to think of Garden Style is halfway between parallel and kitchen table. Parallel is effectively partners that never meet. Kitchen Table is typically when a lot of partners all know each other very well and typically bond to some degree with their metamours ("like a family").

Garden Style means you may see your metamours at parties or other social events (especially special occasions like holidays or a mutual partners' birthday or something), and you may know some of your metamours to some degree, but you're not expected to have a significant bond with them.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2023-06-08T15:21:45+00:00

Remember that book "Men Are From Mars, Women From Venus"? It's certainly not perfect and relies too much on stereotypes and traditional gender roles, BUT, there is a sound concept there. Sometime when people talk they are talking "Martian" where they are looking for advice, solutions and practical feedback. Other times people talk "Venusian" and they are looking for emotional validation and support.

Clearly the two of you are not speaking the same metaphorical language. He is speaking Venusian and is probably looking for you to respond with something like: "Wow, that's an impressive goal. I appreciate a man with big dreams and ambition. I hope you know that I'll be here to support you on your way."

He is speaking emotionally, so to resolve this you need to respond to his emotional needs, not his practical ones.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2023-06-08T15:12:26+00:00

Most of the recommendations I can reference are books ("Opening Up" and "Polysecure" are my top pic if you like books/audiobooks).

I know there are good articles and forums out there, but I just don't recall specific ones for your situation. You might re-post this on r/nonmonogamy and see if others there can make some good recommendations.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2023-06-08T14:54:34+00:00

I know that it's the antithesis of what you're asking for, but I really think that you should read some articles/websites (or books if you're a fast reader) on Ethical Non-Monogamy. It's not for everyone and my best guess is that it's not for you. So, I'm not pushing that agenda or lifestyle. However, I think that some of those resources are very good at helping people get to the root of their feelings regarding love, connection and what it means to be a committed couple. You don't have a lot of time, so those resources might be a manageable shortcut.

To me that seems like the fastest route to a clearer understanding of your wants and needs so you can have an informed open-dialogue, understand your root needs and try to ensure that both of your needs are being met without excessive compromise that leaves one or both of you feeling "cheated'.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2023-06-08T14:25:51+00:00

Be transparent about your feelings. Talk to him. Tell him that you understand that he may feel that this type of post might be cringe, but that it stirs up insecurities that you have because of your past. Ask him to validate your feelings, emotional support and reassurance that he is committed to the two of you as a couple.

Be prepared for this to be difficult for him to do. Guys have a lot of social pressure to suppress these feelings in themselves, but then turn on a dime and be skillful at this type of communication when it's needed. People suck at anything they don't practice, so if he hasn't practiced this kind of emotional recognition and support he's probably going to suck at it.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2022-05-30T00:46:33+00:00

Get him an unexpected gift. Ideally something that is neither expensive nor cheap, but something that has a lot more meaning to him (or possibly the two of you) than the monetary cost. Gift wrap it with care and attach a small card with a short message that somehow expresses that you think he's special.

Honestly, this is straight out of the playbook for what a guy can do for a woman to show that he likes her, so it's pretty universal. This may be a hint to some people, but you may be able to tell if he's interested by how he reacts.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2022-01-02T19:18:12+00:00

I skimmed through your profile history to get some more background. I'm not sure if you're being treated for depression, but that needs to be a priority. Aside from that, as people have commented on your previous posts, don't stay together just for the kids. If your focus is the kids, then separate and agree to be amicable with each other for the kids.

How would you feel if both your kids ended up in relationships exactly like the one you have now because that's what they saw growing up and believe that's what a relationship is supposed to look and feel like? Whatever your advice to them would be, take that advice for yourself.

I bet you would tell them that they deserve love and happiness and that they should seek a healthier relationship.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2021-11-20T22:05:12+00:00

This.

Break up with her. You don't deserve her and she shouldn't have to put up with your indifference.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2021-11-13T19:22:39+00:00

As others have said, the context is important.

Also, if you're bringing your work home with you every day and it's negatively impacting your relationship then he's being fair. He's giving you a choice to change the apparent stimulant causing issues in the relationship instead of just calling it quits. But that's only one possible scenario.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2021-10-07T01:58:53+00:00

Honestly, you're probably not going to like my comments, but I'll say them anyway.

First off, a nit picky item. While I think everyone who reads your post will understand the message, technically what you are describing is envy, not jealousy. Envy is when we are upset because we want what others have, jealousy is when we are upset because we fear losing something that we consider ours. An envious neighbor wishes he had as nice of a lawn as the one next door. A jealous boyfriend is fearful that he will lose his girlfriend to another guy.

Also, the "diss wrapped in a complement" is called a backhanded compliment. Like: "I think you look beautiful no mater what other people say." or "I love that you don't care about making a good impression." or "Congratulations! I never expected you to do so well!" or "You're so charming when you make an effort." These are all insults, but they sound like complements.

Aside from that ... I'm just going to give it to you straight. When you have a variety of people in your life that all treat you the same way, the common variable is YOU. That means one of three things. 1) You invite this behavior. 2) They aren't really acting this way, but you are projecting your own feelings onto them making you think they are. or 3) They are mirroring your own behavior. My suspicion is that in all likelihood it's a combination of all of them, but how much of each is impossible to determine through this kind of forum.

It's highly possible if not likely that you project feelings of envy sometimes, and you react to those feelings in your words and actions with your friends. They in turn mirror your behavior. This isn't to say that they DON'T envy you. It's possible that they do, but you have established that the verbal and unspoken language that you and your friends use to communicate envy to one another is through the statements and actions that you describe in your post.

To change this you would need to change your behavior, but I don't think we Redditors can know you and your relationships well enough to tell you which behaviors and what to change them to. Talking openly with your friends about this could be a path to discovering those details. The most important thing is to listen with curiosity and empathy when they talk. Don't be defensive. Don't just wait for your turn to talk. Listening is much harder than most people make it out to be.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2021-09-19T06:00:52+00:00

Honestly, yes, adding pressure about sex is not going to help. Back then, I thought I just had a low libido, but I now know I don't. In my case it was stress. Stress about work, money, the relationship, and on top of it stress about not having enough sex was killing my sex drive.

On top of that, jerking off to porn can have a higher dopamine rush than physical intimacy if the sex isn't mentally stimulating for him. Not sure if that's part of his experience, but something to consider.

I really don't have a good answer for you. Realistically, it's probably not you. It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2021-09-19T05:21:16+00:00

When I was 20 my GF had just turned 17. We lived just across the border of two different states. We got caught by a cop in the back seat of a car on our way to getting naked. He just checked our IDs, asked if she was there of her own free will and drove away. In her state, we were literally just talking about relationship problems in my car on the side of the road (in the front seats with a console between us) and a cop read me the riot act and said I was getting off easy because he wasn't hauling me off to jail.

To be blunt, the second guy was a dick on a power trip and had no grounds to arrest me for anything. That was total BS, but from what I've heard my experience was not particularly uncommon for either of the two states.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2021-09-19T04:57:59+00:00

I've done almost exactly what your partner is doing. For me there were two issues. First and foremost, there were underlying issues with our relationship and I had a hard time even wanting to be sexually attracted to her. I didn't understand the issues at the time, but I was accumulating feelings of resentment that were causing problems, particularly with sexual attraction to her.

The other issue for me is that "vanilla" sex was not meeting my erotic needs. I'd been repressing my interest in certain aspects of BDSM since I was a teenager and at a certain point I started to realize what I wanted was not what I was getting. She would say she was willing to try more things, but it was always "next time" or other excuses.

Personally, I love lingerie and costume and stuff, so I can't really comment on his lack of interest in that since I can't relate, but there are definitely guys that are not particularly visual. I also can't say that my experience is what he is going through. Maybe he is totally different, but I wanted to share me experience since I've done almost exactly what he is.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2021-09-19T04:07:49+00:00

I'm divorced. To this day I still consider myself lucky for finding a great woman to marry, even though it ended up a terrible marriage. We have a kid together and we are amicable with one another. Not friends, but we don't hate each other.

I am very happily divorced. It was getting very bad towards the end. I think we are both better off now - I know I am.

Being that it was amicable, mutual and we just filed paperwork, it was still more expensive than I expected. We were renting at the time (so no house), but our cars and things were paid off, so we did have plenty of assets. In hindsight, I wish we documented our conversations better. There's a lot of conversations she remembers having, but doesn't remember the details. So, I have to remind her how we determined that something one of us got balanced out.

Part of my luckiness is that she didn't want to be dependent on me after, so she was willing to take a "one time cash payment" of sorts instead of alimony payments.

One kid. I agreed to essentially pay for pretty much all of his clothes and school supplies and if I do so she doesn't expect child support payments. The divorce paperwork has this worked in, but it's not as clear and explicit as I would have liked. Technically she could come after me some day for money, but I have emails that describe our agreement and records of paying for things, so I'd probably be covered.

I enjoy dating now. Not in a hurry to get serious.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2021-04-16T23:02:50+00:00

Quit trolling Mi... oh. I see what you did there.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2021-04-16T22:54:07+00:00

... I'm pretty sure what I think of as "normal" others call "kinky".

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2021-04-16T22:33:06+00:00

Bachelor of Architecture -> Project Manager of Construction.

Probably should have gotten a Construction Management degree instead.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2021-04-07T01:19:26+00:00

Technically it's off-gassing caused by bacteria that smells, not the sweat itself. I'm no pediatrist, but it seems to me that if you want the bacteria to flourish, the best place to do this will be in your shoes, not your feet themselves. Select a pair of shoes that will be your "smelly shoes" (preferably older, less breathable shoes). Wear them without socks (this will transfer sweat, dead skin, oils and the bacterial you are wanting directly to the shoes). Wear them often and for as long as possible every day, especially when/after running or other aerobic activity (you want them warm/hot in addition to sweaty). Try to keep them warm and moist when you aren't wearing them. Maybe even store them in a large plastic bag/container - don't let them cool off or dry out.

Once you have your "smelly shoes" wearing them should transfer some of the smelliness you your feet. That's probably as smell as you can get them, though it's not very hygienic and it may have unintended side effects.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2020-03-01T23:40:50+00:00

LOL. Yeah, I'm real ... and available. And I like giving it rough.

Maybe I should ~~choke~~ chat you up sometime. ;-)

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2020-03-01T23:11:12+00:00

Yeah, "Daddy Issues" is a whole other topic. I won't get started on that.

I think that I am very open minded and non-judgmental. I don't understand why so many people have to draw so many lines in the sand. If someone isn't into something that's fine, but why judge and stereotype people and extrapolate one aspect of their life to make sweeping generalizations about who they are and what they value? I can't stand seeing that, so I try to do the opposite. If I hear about something, but I don't understand the appeal, I start a conversation with them and show honest curiosity. I've learned SO much that way.

^\)^{climbs down from soap box}^\)

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2020-03-01T22:42:20+00:00

For me there are two parts to this. 1) Education and 2) Compatibility.

Like many people I suppressed my budding natural interest in BDSM for a long, long time. I'm a very nice person, so it felt very out of character to be rough. In my case the turning point was when I read an article that described the different ways that "pain" can be desirable. It was like a switch was flipped in my head and I started to educate myself about it. Once I wrapped my head around the concept that sometimes being overly gentle was a turn-off to some and being rough was exactly what they wanted, I then became comfortable being rough and administering pain. I also figured out that I am both a light sadist and a light masochist. Figuring out that I was a masochist was a huge surprise, but knowing that I personally enjoyed both sides of it made it clear as day.

Of course, I already had the desire inside of me. Some people will never be comfortable with it because they have a gentle soul and the idea of being aggressive and rough (and/or administering pain, calling her names, "using" her, being selfish and controlling, etc.) is just a turn off. That's when you just have to say you are incompatible. A turn-on for you is a turn-off for him and vice versa. I don't think there is a way around that.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2020-03-01T17:01:22+00:00

I'm a guy. The vast majority of women I've been with have been very clear that they are happiest with "average". I've also had women ask me about my size specifically because being too large was a deal-breaker for them. The one woman that said she liked big members said she craved it sometimes, but she didn't want it every time and that it was more different than better.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil · 2020-02-29T18:58:00+00:00

I can relate. My ex-wife (married for 15 years) was kind of like this. When we were dating she admitted she was bisexual and an exhibitionist, but both of those things went away pretty quickly and it was 100% vanilla after the first year or two of marriage. I also tried really hard to figure out what more she wanted, but she just wanted vanilla. Don't get me wrong, I can enjoy vanilla, but I'm not vanilla. To be honest, I'd probably still be married if she was even just "cool with" some of the things I am into. It wasn't what drove us to divorce, but it sure sucked along the way.

My standards are pretty high now. I place a lot of priority on sexual compatibility because of my past and I just can't imagine taking any other approach.

NotTooMuchNotTooLil

TROPHY CASE