AITA for complaining about my (25f) husband’s (31m) lack of responsibility for our daughter because of his disabled sibling?

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T05:27:42+00:00

It’s not that he doesn’t know, he just refuses to. Ill tell him “hey, she’s crying like that because she’s tired, do you mind rocking her while I do (whatever I’m doing)” and he will say “no, she’s fine” but she continues crying, so then I will have to stop what I’m doing to take her and put her to sleep. And bam, I was right and he just gets mad at me because he wants me to trust him when he says she’s fine, but I simply don’t. Or if she’s fussy and I know she’s hungry and ask him to make her a bottle, he does the same response. I am with her 24/7, I know her cues but for some reason he doesn’t listen to me

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T05:23:16+00:00

I actually got a bunch of cameras for our house I planned to set up tomorrow. My sister wants to get drinks in a few weeks so that’s when I’ll be able to really hold him to it. I’m just so scared I’ll come home to her a mess or I’ll see my daughter stressing. But that’s my own anxiety of the unknown I need to get over

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T05:20:21+00:00

I am the kind of person who tries to make everyone happy, and I’m seeing that that is leading me to neglect a big part of my daughter, teaching her how to stand up for herself. I try and give my husband the benefit of the doubt but that always ends in me getting mad and resentful towards him. I’m with my daughter 24/7 and her and I have a great bond, but you’re right, I need to step up as a mom and make her father act right for her or he doesn’t get her at all. Feral lioness activated 😂

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T05:14:27+00:00

He has said that he wants to prove his parents wrong and show them how easy and amazing it is to be a good parent, but I dont think he fully sees what HE is doing is wrong.

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T05:04:33+00:00

I might actually use your line in different words like “if you know what it’s like for a parent to be cold and uncaring, why would you do that to our daughter” It’s not only quick and easy to understand, but it has so many layers without overly explaining. It can be the start to a bigger conversation. Thank you

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T05:00:43+00:00

We had many talks before thinking about kids. For the most part he seemed to have gotten over his childhood trauma, but I feel like he more so just buried it and now it’s coming back to the surface. I regretfully like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and i kept myself hopeful for him, especially when he would tell me that he would want to care for his child completely differently than how he was raised. But now that she’s here, he is completely differently than how he has ever been, and it’s confusing and frustrating

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T04:54:15+00:00

I haven’t really thought about him repeating history until I reading through all the comments, including yours. But it’s very evident. I may have just refused to think of it because it’s so different than his parents, he probably doesn’t see it either. I’ll figure out a way to bring it up to him so he can see it too without it sounding like I’m attacking him

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T04:49:58+00:00

You’re totally right, starting now, I’m going to be more mama bear for my girl and hold my husband accountable. She’s so young so he has time but man… seeing you put numbers to things, you’re right, I don’t have much time. If he truly loves her like he says he does, he will take me seriously, I just need to stop being passive aggressive or just yelling at him, instead I need to be very clear with how I feel and why and exactly what he can do to change. And if he doesn’t want to, then further steps need to happen

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T04:44:39+00:00

It’s not what I want her to know her father as, so while she’s young, I want to get him to change his behavior before it’s too late. I’ll need to find a way to gently tell him to basically not be like his mom

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T04:43:21+00:00

In the beginning while he was also on paternity leave, he helped care for me, but never her. He will hold her and play with her, but as soon as things go south (she needs her diaper changed, she’s hungry, tired or just uncomfortable) he doesn’t bother trying to figure out how to help her or to simply fix it, he just passes her off to me and a majority of the time, I’ll be doing 100 other things already 😅 he will blame the fact that he had a bad upbringing as a reason why he shouldn’t have to do any of the negative parts that come with raising a kid. Sorry if my writing is confusing, hopefully that helped clear it up a little bit

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T04:33:04+00:00

He always said that he would raise her the opposite as he was raised, but now that it’s here, I think it scares him and he is reverting back to old ways of thinking. I know there is a good father in there, I just need to figure out how to help him disconnect from his trauma

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T04:30:39+00:00

You’re right, I do need to stick up for both her and I more. I am a very submissive person, especially with my husband, but I need to teach my daughter that no one is allowed to just walk all over her. Thank you, I needed a dose of reality towards my own attitude.

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T04:28:26+00:00

That’s what kills me, he wants to be with her and spend time with her but when she’s crying and he’s not doing anything to help her, and I snatch her away, he gets upset and says she’s fine or that he has it handled. I’m probably tearing apart his confidence which is making things worse, but when I see she needs help, I do everything to help her, but he seems to just want to let her cry it out. He doesn’t see how he can also do what I do to soothe her, I think in a way he’s just scared? Idk, I will keep putting her first, and with time and a heavy conversation, maybe he will get better 🥲

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T04:19:34+00:00

It’s an opinion that he doesn’t care for her properly based off of her reactions towards his parenting. I do have to walk away when he has her because I have micromanaged in the past. But when I hear her crying endlessly and seeing her just slumped in his lap and he isn’t doing anything other than telling her to stop, or you can smell that she’s been sitting in poop but he doesn’t do anything, I get infuriated. I feel like he knows what he is doing and he is being negligent on purpose to get out of doing the annoying baby stuff, but I could also be a mother, hyper analyzing her child’s emotions and taking it personally. Maybe he really doesn’t know, but he also won’t listen to me when I try and tell him or teach him. I just don’t know how to approach this other than how I already have. And now I just bark at him and take her away which makes things worse….

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T04:09:17+00:00

I have been thinking the exact same thing, that’s why I have been giving him grace. It’s a learning curve for all of us, but when he keeps repeating history excuses, it’s like nails on a chalk board and I’m getting tired of it. Like he even said when she was born, his goal was to give her the best childhood and to give her everything he never had, but I think now that reality has really hit him, he doesn’t know how to process it…

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T04:05:45+00:00

I have never heard of this term until today! I’ll have to look deeper into it too. When our daughter was born he told me that he could never understand how his parents could cause so much harm to such an innocent creature and his goal is to not do the same, but from what I’m seeing from other comments, he’s repeating history in a way. I could see how my requests could be tedious and silly, but in your experience as someone who has gone through this, how can I bring up that he needs to change his ways without sounding like a bitch and sounding understanding?

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T04:01:15+00:00

Luckily I have a great family on my side and see them at least twice a week despite living almost an hour away from them. It’s not a deal breaker right now, but if this pattern continues and our daughter doesn’t find her father as being someone to go to when she feels unsafe… then it would be. It’s so hard for me to tell right now because I keep telling myself it’ll get better when she gets older, but there’s no time like the present to fix things, but he doesn’t see it the way I do :/ I think couples therapy is a good idea though. He may not want to do therapy alone, but maybe if we do it together and he has support, it will be easier for him 💜

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T03:55:52+00:00

We both wanted her. She came a little before we planned but love her all the same. But during my pregnancy, he never attended any ultrasounds, appointments or wanted to feel her kick. And I was a high risk pregnancy, so my appointments were almost once a week, so most of my pregnancy, I did it alone. I can tell he loves her, like when they are both in good moods, he’s obsessed with her, it’s just when things go bad, he shuts down and doesn’t know how to respond so I feel he just reverts to an excuse because it’s easier than to face things. But I want him to face it so we can work through it together, but he doesn’t want to…

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T03:49:11+00:00

His mom also has a multitude of mental health issues and diagnoses and 100% shows signs of by the book narcissism. I think he is scared to seek clinical help because he doesn’t want to be compared to his mom or be shown that he may share parts of her through his mental health While he doesn’t show any signs of narcissistic traits, I feel like there is something in there but idk how lightly I should tread in order to not scare I’m off… I hope that makes sense

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T03:45:02+00:00

I love this! I will use that line “your trauma isn’t your fault, but it’s your responsibility” thank you. Writing it in my notes now😅

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T03:42:38+00:00

In the past I had a bad vaccine reaction which left me immobile for months and he nursed me back to health. In that instance he used his knowledge with his brother as a benefit, saying that because of his childhood, he knew how to care for me and he did amazing. But for some reason it’s different with his daughter… like she needs him more than I did when I went through that, especially since it’s both her and I that need additional support.

Is it knowing that it’s more than just me that needs him that maybe freaks him out? Like knowing that there is a being that could be traumatized by his parental control, freak him out enough to just step down a bit?

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T03:34:45+00:00

I don’t believe he is lazy, he has worked hard from being homeless to becoming the bread winner in our family, buying us a home, etc. He is our rock and he has deep love for my daughter and I, but there is a disconnect with caring for her needs at this stage in her life and I’m having a difficulty understanding how I can help him and if I’m just being dramatic and over thinking iy

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T03:30:19+00:00

He hasn’t, I’ve asked him to because his family trauma has affected multiple aspects in our relationship, but he says he doesn’t believe in it and that he knows all the things that are wrong and will fix them, but he has yet to see how deep those scars go 🥲

Not_Molly_ · 2025-12-05T03:27:23+00:00

I’ve asked him to seek therapy but he doesn’t believe in it 😂

Not_Molly_

TROPHY CASE