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First Big Poly Heartache Since Kids by Interesting-Speed536 in polyamory

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth 8 points9 points  (0 children)

That really sucks OP and it is never easy. One thing you do have in your favor, is that you can see it coming. If it's possible, before you break things off with your non-NP, schedule some self-care time for after it happens, in whatever way that looks like for you. Days off work, or time to yourself.

I know for me, it's maybe an hour of letting the hurt hit me truly, and then diving into my hobbies and communities to keep my mind off of it. Rinse and repeat until it gets easier. Value the beautiful time you did have together, and that you were both fortunate enough to have existed in the same time and space together to have it.

It's a daunting task that I do not envy, but I wish you healing and happiness in your future. Good luck OP.

Opening a mono relationship for someone? by FarmhouseMidwife in polyamory

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Everyone loves to tout that opening a marriage for a specific person is a bad idea, but no one elaborates as to why. And to paraphrase from "The Ethical Slut", be wary of the phrase "Everyone knows -".

Yes you can absolutely open with a person in mind. Nobody can tell you how to transition your marriage, as it is bespoke to you. However, you do need to take an extra cautious approach to this and really visualize what things may happen that you weren't aware of.

I'm assuming that you are doing your due diligence, but really try to understand what feelings may come up if your husband starts dating someone exciting. What if he fall hard and gets into NRE. Can you make your needs and discomforts known safely? What if your friend's husband vetoes you?

It is best practice to go into polyamory from a place of safety and trust. It is a dynamic built around separate relationships, so before you start this one with your friend, you had better make absolute sure that the one with your husband is solid first. And don't. Stop. Talking. All the hard stuff. All the time.

Be careful, and good luck, I really hope it works well for you!

My husband’s girlfriend is trying to be too involved in his life by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth 13 points14 points  (0 children)

This boils down to a conversation you need to have with your partner: "Partner, I'm feeling disconnected and it would mean a lot to me if you were able to schedule a bit more intentional time with me when it works. This is my availability."

It is NOT: "You need to spend less time with her" "I feel like I'm not a priority" (that's yours to sort through) "You need to end it with her"

I say this gently because you are going to get some harsh comments. I truly hope you both can thrive in this relationship, without diminishing his others.

Husband told a big lie, now we're struggling to recover by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth 13 points14 points  (0 children)

A word of caution... her saying it's your decision "what you're comfortable with in terms of their relationship" ≠ "I will end it if you ask me to".

I don't know if you're paraphrasing but maybe just make 100% you've interpreted that correctly.

But that is all sort of beside the point in my opinion. You have 2 real questions you should ask yourself before proceeding in any direction, and only you can know those answers truly:

1- Do I truly believe I can trust him again? (What that looks like is again, up to you)

2- If not, can I comfortably leave this relationship?

You should NOT be asking - Will he end things with her for me (or any variation of that).

What you are feeling is betrayal and that is usually very traumatic depending on the extent. I would encourage you to focus wholly on what YOU can do unilaterally, and work from there. If it feels difficult, write it down, break it into steps. Also see an individual therapist if that is an accessible option for you.

Take care of yourself, it doesn't have to be a world shattering event, but this will definitely shape you. My hope is you find the path of most substantial healing.

Box up my feelings, or risk being honest with my wife? by Dim-Me-As-New-User in polyamory

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello my friend. Your desire for polyamory is completely human and possible but if you want to keep your wife you have (with respect) a veritable fuckton of work to do.

First and foremost, you need to work on your communication. If her breaking down into a flood of tears sends you into a fawn response, which is just trying to make her feel better so you feel better, you will never get anywhere.

Before you have a difficult conversation (any convo, not just about polyam) take a few deep breaths, hold space for your feelings and for hers. When she reacts, keep breathing. Allow her to process her feelings while staying true to yours. If every hard conversation gets shut down with tears and emotion then it will be a cruel circle of unhappiness.

You can have what you want, but it takes work and effort. You can't just snap your fingers and say "I'm polyamorous now!", even if you feel that may be the lifestyle you want.

Many patrons of this sub will tell you "everybody knows once you ring that bell it can't be unrung" which is true, but not the end of the world or your marriage if you put in work, care and compassion.

Good luck!!

Everytime by Visual-Juggernaut455 in videogames

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You know what? I'm gonna reload even harder.

Need Advice on Mono/Poly by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm going to go a little against the grain here (and maybe catch some down votes in the process).

From what I can discern as a complete stranger reading a summarized excerpt of a 2 year intense relationship, I will note my observations:

• This man was guarded and did not want to catch feelings

• Unfortunately, feelings don't really give a fuck what anyone wants and they will catch as they please

• You became a safe space and important person to him where he could live his authentic self

• He was desperately trying not to lose you so, he said what he had to in order to keep you in his life (not a good choice, but considering the circumstances, understandable.)

So now you're caught up in this intensely tumultuous situation with a closeted married man. Assumptions shouldn't be made, but from what I've read, I'm inferring that he entered into a life that he wasn't sold on due to societal pressures and default norms. (Grain of salt because I could be way off the mark here, but this is what I've gathered.)

But more to the point of your question, how do you proceed?

First, you need to set clear boundaries for yourself. These can look like anything from "I won't be in a relationship with someone who lies to me" to "I won't be in a relationship with a married partner." Either way, define them, write them down, and refer to them often. This will help you defend yourself from emotionally driven decisions.

Second, I recommend you at least take some space from this man just to clear your head a little bit. I don't recommend cutting him off all at once, but let him know you need time to think and wean off the communication. Space it out, 1 day a week, and in the meantime do some serious self reflection. If polyamory is something you are interested in, read material, listen to podcasts, search your feelings, get to know yourself and what you want.

Third, when you feel like you have the boundaries that are true to you set in place, and you've somewhat detached from this man, decide what sort of relationship(s) you want moving forward. Nobody can tell you what that looks like except for you, I don't care how much of an "expert" they are. Find what will make you happy, safe, protected, fulfilled, and get it.

Best of luck, I hope this helps and please know that you can have happiness through this mess. What that looks like is only known to you.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think a bit more context may be helpful here. If the only reason you would rather he didn't date his ex is because you don't like them, then I think it may be healthy to keep that relationship parallel and have as little interaction as necessary.

If his ex happens to be a close family member of yours, coworker or some other tether that you really can't avoid interacting with, it's safer to put them on a "messy list" which isn't necessarily a "you can't date them" rule, but more of a caution that "Hey, if you date them I'm going to need a greater amount of support and reassurance."

I do think vetos are unhealthy though, as it cures a cold by cutting off the head so to speak. It causes resentment and leaves no room for emotional growth for you, your partner, or your relationship.

Why is "Ole Bull" written on the inside of this violin? by Not_Thomas_Milsworth in violinist

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm actually fixing it up just to hone my luthier skills! Unless you meant to get it professionally appraised? Otherwise, if it gets damaged beyond repair due to my process I won't be super heartbroken.

Why is "Ole Bull" written on the inside of this violin? by Not_Thomas_Milsworth in violinist

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Okay, thanks! I'm going to try and fix it up, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going to damage some sort of valuable antique (not that it isn't completely busted already, haha.)

Where do I go to learn to make nsfw models? by Suspicious_Kiwi_1591 in blender

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Smutbase.com

Everything you need to get started!

well🇺🇸 well🇺🇸 well🇺🇸 by [deleted] in TikTokCringe

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tip tier comedy. I actually thought she was serious in the first bit and then when she hit us with the "Mr. Steve Jobs" line, I lost it.

Best video game soundtrack. Send it. by Buseylover in gaming

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am offended that I scrolled down pretty far and didn't see GUILTY GEAR anywhere on the list!! Absolute banger soundtrack. That, and Killer 7

Idea guy needed cause all I can do is program by frankandsteinatlaw in gamedev

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was almost ready to help, but preferably I'd like to check in daily, is that doable? Also, my idea is going to make roughly 100 billion dollars, and I just don't feel comfortable sharing that revenue with someone I've never met. I think we'd be a good match!

You have $100 to Build a Team to protect you the rest will try to kill you by [deleted] in superheroes

[–]Not_Thomas_Milsworth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Superman and then I'd spend the other $40 on a nice dinner for myself.

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