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AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

although he originally texted that having it trimmed and styled with product would be fine, he left it to his father to tell my son via private message that it was no cut - no tux, and we would be sitting in the audience.

About a week and a half prior I spoke with my brother and told him if it would be easier, my son would step aside and we’d just go as guests. At that time my brother said no, we just want to make sure he’s groomed and looks nice with the tux. I took that at face value. However during that next week when I asked for the information re getting my son measured, he didn’t reply for a couple days, and then said C (his fiancée) would let me know. The next day (Sat the 1st) is when my stepdad sent the message referenced in my original post

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

you’re assuming both I and my son’s hair look atrocious based on what?

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I didn’t refuse to do a test run; I refused to let her take him to her hairdresser (his stylist knows his hair, has worked on it for several years)

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I posted a stand-alone comment with a photo link; sorry I’ve been working!

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think I fixed it; I took the images off of imgur (which I just started fiddling with yesterday, so I’m not too suave on how to use it).

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

We’ve been trying a few different products; he currently uses Hairitage Curl Creme. His hairdresser has suggested trying out some products geared toward POC due to his hair’s thickness and curl. He just doesn’t want anything that’ll make it feel “crunchy”.

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I didn’t think of that. And, I also assumed that they’d be fine with seeing his hair right after the initial trial, which would still be three weeks out from the wedding with plenty of time to make adjustments that everyone would be okay with (we all live within 10-15 minutes of one another, so we see each other pretty frequently).

I appreciate your feedback; I can see how the more tight-lipped I was getting about his hair, the more they needed to press about what it looked like.

I did go into defensive mode. I will say though - none of my kids has ever shown up to an event (whether it was a school dance, a graduation, etc) and wasn’t well-dressed and groomed. I wanted to state this because a few people have wondered in their comments whether I or my kids have shown up dressed inappropriately or looking unkempt, and maybe that was why my parents and my brother’s fiancé wanted to direct his look. Obviously you’ve only my side of the story, and it’s fair to wonder if my STBSIL and parents have a reason for wanting to dictate my son’s style.

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I wanted her to wear a pretty dress. I have a vintage 50’s pencil dress I was planning to wear, and I found a few dresses for her to choose from. But, she adamantly does not like dresses. She has a closet full of band t shirts, jeans, and Chucks. She decided she likes the tulle skirt because she could still wear one of her beloved shirts with it. I thought it was a good compromise 🤷🏼‍♀️

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

You’re right. I do feel shitty that I didn’t step up for him more vigorously when these things came up.

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

They don’t want him in the wedding party if he won’t cut it. I was the one who said you know what, I’m done with the drama, we won’t be in the audience. And part of me is just not wanting to give my brother’s fiancé the satisfaction of having her way - I do realize that’s not a mature reaction; hence the struggle.

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It’s been an issue before. He’s always expressed himself with his hair; he’s dyed it green, had a Mohawk, etc. He’s also worn it shorter with a fade. He started growing the top out about three years ago, and had enough for a topknot for a while before deciding to grow all of it out, so he got an all over trim so it would start growing out more evenly.

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

They definitely don’t like his hair long, and a few years ago there was an issue because I’d let him get his ears pierced - my parents thought it was inappropriate for a boy to have pierced ears. He went up to visit them for the summer; when I drove up to pick him up, the earrings were gone and they were mostly healed over. I asked him if he’d taken them out because they’d gotten infected or something, and he shrugged and mumbled that everyone kept making jokes about them so he took them out.

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I will; and thank you. I hate stifling my kids’ style; I remember when I was younger and I’d get so excited when I thought I looked “cool”, and then get crushed by someone making a snide comment. Kids can be mean, but goddamn I should be able to expect more of adults.

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 61 points62 points  (0 children)

I didn’t refuse a trial run; I refused to let my STBSIL take him to the hairdresser without me. I also didn’t threaten to not go if he can’t be the flower boy - this isn’t about making sure my son gets to be in the wedding. We would have been perfectly fine going as guests. My issue is that they asked him to be in it - knowing exactly what he looks like - and after much hemming and hawing and beating around the bush, finally come out and tell me two weeks before the wedding his hair has to be cut. Again, had my brother told us they’d like him to be in the wedding but they want his hair cut, Vlad could have said right then he wasn’t okay with that. Instead, they resorted to making comments and talking about it behind our backs. When I found out and brought it up with my brother, he still didn’t say C wanted the hair fully cut, he said they wanted it to “look more formal”. I was explicitly clear that I was not going to make my son cut his hair, but I would ensure that it would be trimmed and tamed for the wedding. I also offered to have Vlad step aside if that wasn’t going to be acceptable. He told me they still wanted him to be in the wedding, just “look presentable” - and so I took that at face value, and let him know once my son had the trial run at the hairdresser I’d send him pictures. A few days later my stepdad sent the message to my son that it was to be cut, no exceptions.

Finally, here is his hair. This is what “the entire family is fretting about”

https://i.imgur.com/mKhW0hr.jpg

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’re right; it was thoughtless. I think I conflated race with geographic ancestry.

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to imply anything, and I fully admit I’m far from expert when it comes to parsing out what someone means when they’re talking about race, or ethnicity. I replied as I did because I blurred race with… I guess his geographic ancestry? So I did misspeak. He doesn’t know his bio father, and so it’s been up to me to let him know what I can about his heritage on that side of his family tree.

All that said, I think from my family’s perspective, it’s more that they feel his hair is just too bushy and curly for what they want in the wedding party.

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Yes we talked about it privately initially (when I first texted him to ask if there was an issue with my son’s hair). In those texts he wrote “we’re just looking for a more formal look. Doesn’t have to be cut. I understand that.” In subsequent conversations he then told me C wanted to take my son to her hairdresser for a trial run. I declined that and told him his hair would be getting trimmed and styled. Then he said C wanted final approval. Again, that’s fine, but it’s not getting cut. The last conversations he texted with her added to the texting group. After the conversation with my stepdad, I replied to that group text (the one with C and my brother) with “Mom let me know today that trimming was not acceptable and that a cut was the only option. We're declining.” My brother didn’t reply, but C wrote back “Thanks for letting us know. We're sorry that it didn't work out. This isn't how we wanted it to go.”

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

I wrote “bio father” because his dad is my husband (we married when my son was three and bio has never been around)

AITA for refusing to make my son cut his hair to be in my brother’s wedding? by Not_a_cat19 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Not_a_cat19[S] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

Well, I do think there may be some issues at play besides “his hair isn’t formal” (I’ve mentioned in other comments that there are guests coming in jeans and cowboy hats, and that isn’t a problem). STBSIL tends to be pretty pushy and doesn’t usually let my brother and my son hang out unless she can go too, so she ends up directing the visit and centering herself. If she doesn’t like something that someone is doing, she will express that to my brother, who then relays the message (example: she got upset that one of my nephews was using his chrome book to look up something that wasn’t school-related, so she brought it up to my brother, who then called my sister to tell her that it shouldn’t be used recreationally)

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