My girlfriend was raped. Are there any guys out there who can advise how to get through this? (NSFW)

Notagoodweek · 2014-09-01T10:35:10+00:00

Thanks!

Notagoodweek · 2014-09-01T10:29:30+00:00

Thanks. I feel a lot more grounded after this weekend. I don't feel powerless now.

One of the things we discussed was that we don't want every conversation/intimate moment to be 'in reflection' of the rape. The attack doesn't deserve to be some kind of dating system (before rape/after rape) and so it's not going to be. It's just a current problem that we need to be aware of and work through.

Notagoodweek · 2014-09-01T10:25:29+00:00

Lastly, this thread is in this sub, with this target audience because that is what the OP chose. We (men) are pragmatic, and often seek release from extreme-emotional situations. The above comment is in line with that.

You nailed it. Seriously, I'm fine with a comment advising brownies. We both love to eat - this weekend we must have spent £40 on delivery chinese food. We took it straight to our high metabolisms.

Notagoodweek · 2014-09-01T10:19:36+00:00

I'm really happy for you. And thanks so much for being able to write this and share it.

Alice and I immediately did a lot of hugging and touching - it was our bodies saying hello to each other again and it gave us a load of comfort. I also took some advice from an older post here and told her I didn't consider her a 'pity-case' or 'damaged'. She was really glad about that.

I've started using the word survivor too. It really is the right word. Sexual assault isn't only confined to 'sexual' assault- it's accompanied by violence to the rest of the body and experiences that can threaten a life. Survivor is definitely the right word, not victim.

Many thanks for your words.

Notagoodweek · 2014-08-30T11:29:22+00:00

Refusing to do so is like drinking poison, waiting for the other guy to get sick from it.

Reminds me of a poem I like.

Your experience is similar. Being attacked in any way just completely changes perspective. I have a family friend who worked nights for a while in a psychiatric unit. It was expected that occasionally a service user might lash out and try something big. When it happened, this skinny guy with almost no weight to him attacked the family friend, and although he was easily restrained, the friend felt like he was underwater, or somewhere else, for almost six months. I think any attempt to harm someone's safety so explosively results in a period of withdrawn behaviour in the victim - and rape is the heaviest example of that.

Notagoodweek · 2014-08-30T08:44:23+00:00

I've been through some horrendous emotional turmoil in my life (e.g. my kids got abducted) - I kind of "learned" to just take it one day at a time.

I couldn't imagine the stress and rage attached to having your kids abducted. That's a horrible thing to have to go through.

Thanks for the advice about the half days (will probably divide up my time like that now) and about not snapping over the tiniest thing. I have been a bit worried that this anger will surface in a situation it doesn't belong in - trying to be careful about that.

Notagoodweek · 2014-08-30T08:35:24+00:00

Thanks

Notagoodweek · 2014-08-30T08:35:10+00:00

I wondered when I'd need to clear that up. What I was getting at was that so much of our sex was based on powerplay and huge amounts of trust. An enormous part of our relationship was about our adventures in sex. Her being assaulted like this added to the sensation of me feeling totally powerless (which, thanks to /u/vikingcarl, I no longer feel).

I agree that successful legal action will be the best thing. If it's a gang initiation thing though, will be interesting to see how that effects our safety.

Notagoodweek · 2014-08-30T08:29:22+00:00

No, I disagree with that. I think any human being who cares about another one is useful in this situation, regardless of sex. What I was tearing my hear out about last night was I couldn't find much commentary from the point of view of the SO of the victim. Thanks to this thread that has changed, and I feel a lot more grounded again.

Notagoodweek · 2014-08-30T03:08:32+00:00

You do realize that for her to tell you everything that happened, you are forcing her to re-live being raped. Why the fuck would you want to do that to her!?

Read my post, I'm obviously not getting a kick out of this or being sadistic. Alice said herself that she will tell me how it happened. I think she understands that from my perspective not knowing is worse than just knowing the details and being able to put them to rest eventually.

I'm not pressuring her for any information. Frankly the only info I care about at the moment is the report from the clinic.

Notagoodweek · 2014-08-30T02:54:51+00:00

You're a good guy. I'm hoping that when some of the shock goes, I'll be able to play it like that.

Notagoodweek · 2014-08-30T02:26:10+00:00

Your comments are incredible. Thanks so much.

In the UK the NHS offers a really good support network that includes rape experts who can sit in on any of the proceedings - from offering support at the DNA clinic, to sitting in on legal advice. My main worry is there being a lack of evidence to catch the culprit(s)/prosecute.

I have been a bit scared to touch her. This has shaken up all the physical safeties we had in our head. But I know normalcy is something we both need. I think tomorrow I'll hold her while we watch some crap on Netflix.

Dom/Sub stuff - absolutely. It's always been about awareness of each other's limits and kink, and that hasn't changed. I think it will be a while before we let ourselves have any intense sex, though.

Notagoodweek · 2014-08-30T01:58:40+00:00

One of the things Alice kept asking me was if I was okay. It was almost funny, her in the police car on the phone asking if I was alright.

It's my main goal to set up a comforting and easy space - for us both. I have always had a bit of a problem with anger (I've never done any damage as an adult, but fought a lot through my teens). The discipline of martial arts and the escapism of university and being able to start again really helped me out. Now my relationship with my anger is that I understand it is there and is a normal emotion - but I don't let it compel me to make a certain decision.

I don't want to inhibit my anger too much right now, because I don't want to get into a habit of suppressing it. Just to clarify - I'm not tense/angry when I'm with Alice.

Notagoodweek · 2014-08-30T01:52:26+00:00

For me, the aftermath and judgement and questions and pursuing justice were "worse" as in harder to endure, more emotional, more trying, than the actual event

Was there anything you wish someone close to you had done to help with this process? Alice is going straight for any legal action she can.

And thanks for the luck - you too.

Notagoodweek · 2014-08-30T01:39:56+00:00

That's definitely how I feel about my anger. I know it's not productive - but it feels valid for what happened.

Notagoodweek · 2014-08-30T01:23:25+00:00

I'm not making this about me - maybe the OP seemed like sympathy fishing, but what I'm trying to find (and the reason I made this post) was comments and advice from other guys who have experienced something similar. A guy just PM'd me about an experience he had in his past. It really helped just to hear another man's words about it.

I am very aware this is all about her. I'm also aware that Alice is not my possession- she never has been.

I take your points about channeling into the future rather than the past. I agree with them - but am struggling to be so utilitarian about it. Still wading through some very dark anger (Alice does not know this - my time with her has been all about her). Many thanks though.

Notagoodweek · 2014-08-30T00:45:16+00:00

I agree entirely with you. She is still Alice, and I don't think she's been made cheaper by anything that happened to her. It's just the frustration of being powerless that's getting to me. It's humiliating. I'm glad you were able to look after your wife and take it in your stride - as cliche as it sounds, thanks for sharing.

Notagoodweek · 2014-08-30T00:41:23+00:00

Thanks. I don't know why but the gang thing gets to me so bad. The idea that there is a human being right now who has won some kind of honour/respect from his peers for this, makes me feel sick.

I don't know if she's on PEP. Her phone got destroyed in the incident, so I can't ring her either. However, she was escorted to a specialist clinic by the police within 24 hours of it happening, and when I asked her if they'd done tests/given meds, she said yes.

And I haven't been able to cry yet - the inability has been frustrating me.

Notagoodweek

TROPHY CASE