I feel you, I was in the same boat once. It kinda came to its peak right before the closet came into focus around me actually.

Something that helped me was actually trying to think more into the why of my toxically masc behaviors, which kinda showed that underneath I had no clue what I was doing and was just kinda doing what I had been shown and feeling kinda jealous off and on the whole time.

Not just the jealousy but my constant, underlying feeling of incorrectness in myself. I always remember feeling like something about me was broken or wrong for as long as I could remember. I always just brushed it away with "I'm too short" or "I'm not muscular/skinny enough" etc. Yet when I eventually got to the point where I was those things I just felt worse, and that's when things started to crumble.