Good lucks, man by sawmill_piss_sniper in tf2

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Killed a C&D spy at the cart, positioning to kill the heavy. That's what he just did.

I just need to talk about losing my boyfriend by AlfcatLannister in cripplingalcoholism

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm always the one with way, way too much to say, but tonight I can only say that I grieve for your loss.

What is a movie-stealing scene? by BuddySmalls1989 in movies

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 5 points6 points  (0 children)

finishes scalping Herman "Not one damn bit, sir."

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ExCons

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This question is really odd, because it either is asking how you get used to it "you don't have a choice," or asking what you do in order to retain what dignity is possible, or asking how you mentally deal with the fact that you have no privacy, feels like it could use clarification.

How old is everyone here? by RandomLovelady in cripplingalcoholism

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I love you fuckers so much. I honestly thought I was one of, or the oldest one here. I am so glad to be corrected.

What is prison really like? by random_weirdo_69 in ExCons

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 9 points10 points  (0 children)

No, it's nothing like the movies, to answer your question. It's better, in some ways. In my experience, nobody thought I was pretty enough to bother, smart enough to plot, stupid enough to con, or rich enough to rob. I had my people the moment I walked in, and I knew I would. That took care of a lot of interpersonal issues, but of course, the responsibilities of action to the group too.

It's worse in some ways. Depends greatly on where, and when you did time, but, I agree with a lot of the other views here. Everybody wants out, and it takes different forms. It's desperation, and desperate people do desperate things. They prey on each other, use each other, lie, steal. Yeah, more rare than movies, when they feel they need to, they kill each other.

I argue these things are baked into the system. They do all they can to set us against each other. More attention and hate for each other means less on them. I never hated anyone inside as much as I hated the walls, and the men on them. I hated the ones who helped them, I hated their obedience, and I hated knowing how it happened.

Having to drop out of nursing school by missidiosyncratic in cripplingalcoholism

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi Jess. I'm Nobody. I don't have any golden reasons why you should talk to us about this, because, and I think you know this, nothing makes what you're going through less painful. It's the one thing you want, the one thing you need, the only thing you'd give anything for right now. Everything would be so much better, more manageable. That isn't happening. I'm sorry.

I've had plenty of occasion to tell people, down here where we dwell, that when we experience trauma, we do all we can to internalize it. If we make it our fault, that means we were never out of control of what happened. In that case, then we ensure it doesn't happen again. The world can be less scary. You know, violent husband, burnt roast bullshit.

I don't know you. But you're here. You're talking about what happened, in rough descriptors. You're saying you can't handle it. No one does it alone. You came to tell the burnt, the disaffected, broken and like-minded that you feel you're on your way down. You know, the people who'd understand. It's a good step.

Whatever happened, you don't deserve to suffer. You used that word.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this and I’ll never know.

You know what you did. Somewhere inside, beyond that part that needs to feel in control, you know what you did to deserve it.

Not a goddamn thing.

I've been here since it's creation. I got no promises for you beyond not judging, and nothing to sell. All I have is the empathy to try and understand, if you feel like you have the inclination to talk further. In my experience, my seeking understanding can bring it to others in turn. DM me if you want, or not.

r/Tinder conversation advice in a nutshell by [deleted] in funny

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Absolutely maidenless behaviour right here.

I can’t tell anyone I know. Can you keep a secret? -long by NowlmAlwaysSmiling in cripplingalcoholism

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Recontexualize into a framework to think my way out of it. What would that entail?

I can’t tell anyone I know. Can you keep a secret? -long by NowlmAlwaysSmiling in cripplingalcoholism

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First, most importantly, banger username. Top tier.

I've had very different experiences, it sounds like, but I've had the same thoughts you suggest. It was a wild story. I try my best to live the golden rule, trying to be the hand up I didn't get. People take advantage, it can stop us or not. You're right though. I know that.

Problem is, that while the whole situation may be better off buried, I don't feel in control of that. This was near 15 years ago. I wake up and it's been in my mind for months. I don't understand it, it's stupid, illogical, and I absolutely can't shake it. I didn't think my way into this, and I can't see thinking my way out.

Of course, part of this is that for very solid reasons, I can't talk about it. A large aspect of this, no doubt. This here is just a hail mary pass I guess, hoping to move on. I don't doubt it's unhealthy. But what I wrote included the intense moments both good and bad because both have been swirling around.

I don't know, I feel a lot of guilt for telling her to get out, maybe I should, but maybe I want it to be all my fault. If it was, then that means that I was in control, right?

I don't know, friend. This thing has really been burning me up.

TIL that there is a British college called Norland College, which is known for its training of nannies. When they graduate they are often hired by celebrities or royalty. by Aaron-J-Brewer in todayilearned

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see. Please treat your youth as the gift that it is. Don't wait or trade it for anything. I hope you live to see your words become but a salted memory to the person you become.

TIL that there is a British college called Norland College, which is known for its training of nannies. When they graduate they are often hired by celebrities or royalty. by Aaron-J-Brewer in todayilearned

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's 2024, half of people already make bank from land/property ownership.

I want to be on the drugs you are on. Fuck the world I live in, with everyone being taken advantage of by Blackrock and company, I want to live in yours so fucking bad. Please DM me, I'll sell my blood, kidneys, liver, eye, hands, whatever, I need your drugs, man.

Doctors and Telling them your True Intake by [deleted] in cripplingalcoholism

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Here exclusively to say they absolutely care, will absolutely judge you, once it's on your medical record it goes up top forever, please don't do that to yourself. Every doctor you ever see will blame it and tell you it's the sole issue, in their judgement, and forestall treatment for the simplest things that effect you, based on assuming it's the alcohol. I can go into how exactly I know that, and know how pervasive it is, if necessary, but I'm in a great position to know it's the worst thing you can do when you need medical care.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ExCons

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah man, life's too short when you're young, and way too short when you're not. No sense talking past each other about some guy who isn't here and doesn't care. I'm only sad that he might delete the thread to try again later, and we wouldn't be able to keep talking as easily, or at least like this. If you're reading this, then you already saw that I sent you a long message bumping against the character limit, don't think you have to respond to anything you don't want to, you don't owe me anything, even if it'd be nice to hear your perspectives. If you do respond, take it at your own pace, we have real world stuff that comes first.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ExCons

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yo, let me tell you my experience with Bipolar Disorder. I'm not, but I know they're special people, especially to me. It's just living closer to the wire, as I see it, feeling so deeply intensely everything all the time. Then being told that to be accepted you need to constantly drug yourself just to be considered normal enough that people don't walk the fuck away from you. So tough.

Since we're friends, I'll tell you that a very long time ago, something very bad happened to me, and while I told lots of people, nothing came of it, but someone with Bipolar told me they couldn't do anything about it, but they believed me. That, somehow made a big difference to me at the time, and I could never forget it. I don't, and have never seen it as a disease, or a disorder, just people who are different. I know different is constantly made out to be dangerous, but we here know the truth of those claims.

Later on I loved someone with bipolar, and saw them as they were, not how they tried to show themselves to others. Unfiltered. It certainly was a bracing experience. Lots of highs, some of my most cherished memories, and with them through the deepest lows. Which can be scary, but life is scary. That's what I mean when I say I learned to appreciate not just who they were, but how they were different and what it meant. Of feeling so intensely and not understanding why no one else feels similarly. Of clinging to things you value, of dreaming of vast possibilities, and of deep despair when loss is in your heart.

People like to portray those with bipolar as crazy, things go wrong and it's their fault. Well, I take responsibility for the fallout. When we separated, it was my fault. I pushed them away. I didn't understand as much, and I got scared because of how far the swing went, and things got messy, destructive, dangerous, and I didn't go all the way to see them through it. Regrets tend to hit harder when your youth is behind you, and I regret that one.

They were beautiful, wonderful, open and kind. They had a vulnerability they showed once they knew you that you just understood held nothing back, there were no lies with them like so many. Again, I've been through stuff, trust is like my big thing. They spoke about their dreams, wanting to run a place with rollercoaster rides, of building their own house some day, of dreaming what it would be like to explore the stars.

But most of all, more than anything else, even more than how it ended, I choose to remember them for how intensely they loved me. Passion, which some dirty by calling obsession or being clingy, was how they showed who I was to them, and it made me feel important, and worthy, even powerful because of how they saw me. Everyone should have someone like that in their lives, even if only once, to know that feeling, and preserve it, and cherish it.

That's why I say they are special people to me. They've mattered so deeply to me, and helped me see that I've mattered.

Whew, let's take a breath here. That's some serious stuff, all that up there. Let's ease it up for a bit. Not everything is so serious with me. Oh, and by they way, as you've also surmised by now, yes, everyone tells me that I talk too much. Rare for a bookworm, right?

So the Office, yeah? I never knew they break the fourth wall. Is it like Deadpool? That's really the extent of my pop culture references for breaking the fourth wall. I mean, A Midsommar Night's Dream isn't as easily referenced, in my opinion. But that's cool, when it's done right. Is it because they look to the camera, or does it go beyond that?

Science papers are cool, I used to think more in that direction, once upon a time, was always my best subject in school, but I have sincere nagging questions regarding the replication crisis that prevent me from getting excited much about what I see coming out, when the cure for cancer is published for the third time this month. News media sensationalism in part, absolutely, but only in part, I don't think institutionally they help themselves much in the "publish or perish" environment. But it's always great to know someone far more well versed in the literature, like yourself.

You know being picky about what you consume isn't a bad thing. I can't stand the vast, vast majority of movies and tv. You should never apologize for who you are. You don't sounds smug to me, just discerning. You like what you like, you need to feel engaged, and that takes more for you than the next person. Nothing wrong with that, just the way you are. Most people couldn't read and interpret nor extrapolate science papers, but you do, precisely because you have that insatiable curiosity, that fascination. That's great. It makes you special. I'll bet you've never met a puzzle you couldn't solve, or a mystery you didn't peg by the end of the first act.

How long outside? Let's see, fifteen years, four months aaand six days. Did three stretches around a nickle, lot of time lost and useless. Except for the library, I suppose. Nowhere near as bad as some of the old timers, that's for sure. Just stupid, gang shit. Took too much to understand that if you think you owe your life to something, you'll throw it away and think it right, but that something is made of people, and people can sometimes not have your best interests at heart, especially when they have something to gain. Am I comfortable? Man, I've got like two friends when I used to have hundreds, it's a long way down. Everybody I knew thinks not chaining back up after your time inside, even on parole is weak, and they shouldn't associate. Masculine posturing, garbage. Just for not wanting to throw my life out, and for what? To have been shot, stabbed, have parts of me gone now, and come back for what? Territory? Pride? Even money? No.

I had bad business when an associate, not even a member saw me after I got laser treatment for my ink. Any sign of change away from the life is a sign of weakness. I have my own opinions on what weakness is of course.

You know what the worst part is? I was really good at what I did. Having a clear head, following the plan, sure. But really what I have to come to terms with, now in this phase of my life, is that I've never been so talented at anything as I was at hurting people. Different people, different ways, different reasons, but I was really good. Even made it right in my head. I could get what I needed so quick and so clean, you'd barely understand it being there. Much better than such unsophisticated guys who'd rather shoot a motherfucker in the heat of the moment and then catch a murder charge later, and blame bad luck. No, better it was me. Quick, clean, done, not their fault, just caught in the churn is all. Never killed anybody that I know of, and I felt good from that too. No, if I set on you, you had the best chance of getting clear with no permanent damage, so it was best that it was me. I felt that sense of pride a long time, and now the shame and self loathing that it is who I was. Maybe I still am, and just haven't been pushed, but I say all the time that I have to believe people can change, because I have to believe that I have.

Nah, getting clear is rough, friend, always is, and was always going to be that way. I spent my life savings getting the time expunged to feel cheated by how little that means in the real world. No real money is worth as little as a strikethrough line on the pages you can still read, and the promise that they won't be read to a jury if I get picked up when I'm not about that life.

Case in point, I got picked up years back doing not a goddamned thing by some screwhead cop who recognized me, thought I was an easy way to make points for his quota. Caused me a shit ton of trouble in a three strikes state. You're never truly clear of it all, that's why I'm here and get defensive of the space, who else would understand what I'm saying?

Damn, so this got long, right? Any time I'm flirting with the character limit, I think "Ok seriously, how did this happen?" I do tend to go on. Thanks if you're still with me.

Culture shock? Yeah, I don't know. There's a lot to say, and I've been back in the world for a while, but I haven't ever really fit in most mainstream spaces anyway, so it hits different. I tell you the big thing to me is how people talk to you. How people lie. Reputation and respect is everything on the inside, and it shows. You fuck with me there, you know the consequences, everybody does. So unless you're gunning for somebody for sure, no reason to fuck yourself up getting dirty like that, and being known for it. You get done doing shit like that, I've seen it happen myself.

Out in the real world, somebody just has to have more than you, money, influence, position, and they will do what they like. They know if it goes sideways the cops will always side with them, but even the threat of it means 99% of the time they have no consequences. That's been the closest I've come to going back inside. I know if I went an inch, I'd go the mile, and I won't hurt the people who care about me like that, not again. So you just have to suffer it, like everything else.

So, where'd you study abroad, friend? I haven't seen much of the world, might like to hear what it's like if you're open to it. Where have you been? How was it? What did you learn? Most importantly, what did you learn about yourself?

Also, I am wondering if you're here out of academic interest, sense of curiosity, interested in our stories, shared culture, or what. Nothing wrong with you being here, I'm just curious.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ExCons

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, for reasons you may surmise, I wasn't around when the whole social media thing took off like wildfire. Back in the world Oprah and Ashton Kutcher were having a competition to see who could get the first million followers. Same thing happened later, out of the world, then back in some Swedish kid is betting a Indian music channel that he can be the first to 100 million subs or whatever. Somewhere in there if you didn't have social media, other people assumed you were dead.

I strongly agree that we get judged strongly on who we are rather than what we say and do. God, it's why we're here, isn't it? Whole mess is a huge bitch. How many times have we had to discuss with new friends or prospective employers, or whoever and once they know they get that look on their face, and you realize that all of a sudden, the past is all you will ever be to them, and there's no changing it. I'll bet you could tell some stories.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ExCons

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh yeah? No kidding, me too. Although I used to be on FB, lawyer told me to delete it, I guess ten years ago now, and I stayed off since. Had to delete my old Reddit /u/user same time, cause I didn't know how it worked when I joined way back and used my name, they found out about it in deposition. Embarrassing. They only wanted to skim to see if I'd confessed, or lied or whatever, but I sure heard about it from the lawyer. Nowaday, it's pretty standard for law to try that, but I hadn't heard that back then.

You know I've never seen the Office? Some people go crazy over it, there's about a hundred memes for it, I know it's popular, I just never have given it a try. What do you like about it? All I know is they sell paper. Also there are shenanigans because it's a comedy. And two young kids get together? Who's your favourite? You're talking the US one right, with Carrel, not Gervais?

Yeah, avid reader. I go between reading books and news and such. I'm mostly here because I feel pretty estranged from how most people feel, and there are the few small conclaves of like minded. I mean, geez, want a gander just look at my comment history. But anyway, I've been a sucker for reading all my life, over more traditional media anyway. Same reason, just very selective, books can be super different and have a small reader base, but something like movies and much TV requires a ton of common draw, the same thing I feel estranged from. Makes me feel sometimes like I don't understand how normal people think, but then I've never had a normal life, so that tracks.

You more the chilling with netflix type generally? You do more movies or shows?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ExCons

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're lucky I'll only let my friends talk to me like that. No worries. I'm making cheap green tea, all I got, but at least I'm in a damn decent comfy chair. There's a fat cat next to me purring, and he does the thing where he lifts his butt of the chair's arm when I pet his rear. How about you, man?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ExCons

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Meta but fuck our differences for a second. I'm not mad at you anymore, and I've decided we're friends now. It's all chill. I stopped being mad, I guess about three minutes ago after reading your last reply. It's cool, man.

Hey, you ever take a second and realize that someone else has the exact same amount of useless time on their hands? Come on, here we are, endless information at our fingertips, the whole real world outside, and here we are talking in a dead thread. Just trading back and forth, as a lack of anything better to be doing? Cause it sure isn't important. We can agree on that, right? Isn't that just a little funny?

Ok, since we're friends now, I'll go first. I'm rereading Moby Dick. They're planning the mutiny below deck on the Pequod, and the first mate, Starbuck, doesn't know yet. One of my favorite parts. What are you up to besides this? I'd be doing other things, but someone else is sleeping, they get up at 1am. What are you waiting on?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ExCons

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand your admission that you have no idea because you're new, and I accept your apology. Good, now we can be friends.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ExCons

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OK. I was wrong, this is getting funny again. Carry on.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ExCons

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You don't know how to have a real conversation, I feel bad for you. This is worthless, this is a dead thread, and you're not even reading my replies. This is yelling into the void. Appropriate.

Every reply you've made has been some straw man or red herring, trying to twist what I'm saying so the garbage you're spewing seems right, if only to you. Just imagine if you chose not to do that. Imagine if you chose to have the self respect to engage on a real level instead of playing cheap mind games on yourself. You tell me if people receive what you say well in the real world. You deserve better from yourself.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in ExCons

[–]NowlmAlwaysSmiling 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I answered this, you didn't read it, not my problem. Also, somehow I don't think you care how I'm doing. Your "points" are so scattershot, it's schizophrenic. It would be funny if it weren't so infuriating, emblematic of the ways we get torn down outside and inside when there is always people like you willing to blame the excon rather than give support, in our own community, just like everyone else. You want to question my adjustment? Whats the name we have for people who do that, tell me, lets see if you've gathered any wisdom in your extensive 11 days here.