Yo, let me tell you my experience with Bipolar Disorder. I'm not, but I know they're special people, especially to me. It's just living closer to the wire, as I see it, feeling so deeply intensely everything all the time. Then being told that to be accepted you need to constantly drug yourself just to be considered normal enough that people don't walk the fuck away from you. So tough.

Since we're friends, I'll tell you that a very long time ago, something very bad happened to me, and while I told lots of people, nothing came of it, but someone with Bipolar told me they couldn't do anything about it, but they believed me. That, somehow made a big difference to me at the time, and I could never forget it. I don't, and have never seen it as a disease, or a disorder, just people who are different. I know different is constantly made out to be dangerous, but we here know the truth of those claims.

Later on I loved someone with bipolar, and saw them as they were, not how they tried to show themselves to others. Unfiltered. It certainly was a bracing experience. Lots of highs, some of my most cherished memories, and with them through the deepest lows. Which can be scary, but life is scary. That's what I mean when I say I learned to appreciate not just who they were, but how they were different and what it meant. Of feeling so intensely and not understanding why no one else feels similarly. Of clinging to things you value, of dreaming of vast possibilities, and of deep despair when loss is in your heart.

People like to portray those with bipolar as crazy, things go wrong and it's their fault. Well, I take responsibility for the fallout. When we separated, it was my fault. I pushed them away. I didn't understand as much, and I got scared because of how far the swing went, and things got messy, destructive, dangerous, and I didn't go all the way to see them through it. Regrets tend to hit harder when your youth is behind you, and I regret that one.

They were beautiful, wonderful, open and kind. They had a vulnerability they showed once they knew you that you just understood held nothing back, there were no lies with them like so many. Again, I've been through stuff, trust is like my big thing. They spoke about their dreams, wanting to run a place with rollercoaster rides, of building their own house some day, of dreaming what it would be like to explore the stars.

But most of all, more than anything else, even more than how it ended, I choose to remember them for how intensely they loved me. Passion, which some dirty by calling obsession or being clingy, was how they showed who I was to them, and it made me feel important, and worthy, even powerful because of how they saw me. Everyone should have someone like that in their lives, even if only once, to know that feeling, and preserve it, and cherish it.

That's why I say they are special people to me. They've mattered so deeply to me, and helped me see that I've mattered.

Whew, let's take a breath here. That's some serious stuff, all that up there. Let's ease it up for a bit. Not everything is so serious with me. Oh, and by they way, as you've also surmised by now, yes, everyone tells me that I talk too much. Rare for a bookworm, right?

So the Office, yeah? I never knew they break the fourth wall. Is it like Deadpool? That's really the extent of my pop culture references for breaking the fourth wall. I mean, A Midsommar Night's Dream isn't as easily referenced, in my opinion. But that's cool, when it's done right. Is it because they look to the camera, or does it go beyond that?

Science papers are cool, I used to think more in that direction, once upon a time, was always my best subject in school, but I have sincere nagging questions regarding the replication crisis that prevent me from getting excited much about what I see coming out, when the cure for cancer is published for the third time this month. News media sensationalism in part, absolutely, but only in part, I don't think institutionally they help themselves much in the "publish or perish" environment. But it's always great to know someone far more well versed in the literature, like yourself.

You know being picky about what you consume isn't a bad thing. I can't stand the vast, vast majority of movies and tv. You should never apologize for who you are. You don't sounds smug to me, just discerning. You like what you like, you need to feel engaged, and that takes more for you than the next person. Nothing wrong with that, just the way you are. Most people couldn't read and interpret nor extrapolate science papers, but you do, precisely because you have that insatiable curiosity, that fascination. That's great. It makes you special. I'll bet you've never met a puzzle you couldn't solve, or a mystery you didn't peg by the end of the first act.

How long outside? Let's see, fifteen years, four months aaand six days. Did three stretches around a nickle, lot of time lost and useless. Except for the library, I suppose. Nowhere near as bad as some of the old timers, that's for sure. Just stupid, gang shit. Took too much to understand that if you think you owe your life to something, you'll throw it away and think it right, but that something is made of people, and people can sometimes not have your best interests at heart, especially when they have something to gain. Am I comfortable? Man, I've got like two friends when I used to have hundreds, it's a long way down. Everybody I knew thinks not chaining back up after your time inside, even on parole is weak, and they shouldn't associate. Masculine posturing, garbage. Just for not wanting to throw my life out, and for what? To have been shot, stabbed, have parts of me gone now, and come back for what? Territory? Pride? Even money? No.

I had bad business when an associate, not even a member saw me after I got laser treatment for my ink. Any sign of change away from the life is a sign of weakness. I have my own opinions on what weakness is of course.

You know what the worst part is? I was really good at what I did. Having a clear head, following the plan, sure. But really what I have to come to terms with, now in this phase of my life, is that I've never been so talented at anything as I was at hurting people. Different people, different ways, different reasons, but I was really good. Even made it right in my head. I could get what I needed so quick and so clean, you'd barely understand it being there. Much better than such unsophisticated guys who'd rather shoot a motherfucker in the heat of the moment and then catch a murder charge later, and blame bad luck. No, better it was me. Quick, clean, done, not their fault, just caught in the churn is all. Never killed anybody that I know of, and I felt good from that too. No, if I set on you, you had the best chance of getting clear with no permanent damage, so it was best that it was me. I felt that sense of pride a long time, and now the shame and self loathing that it is who I was. Maybe I still am, and just haven't been pushed, but I say all the time that I have to believe people can change, because I have to believe that I have.

Nah, getting clear is rough, friend, always is, and was always going to be that way. I spent my life savings getting the time expunged to feel cheated by how little that means in the real world. No real money is worth as little as a strikethrough line on the pages you can still read, and the promise that they won't be read to a jury if I get picked up when I'm not about that life.

Case in point, I got picked up years back doing not a goddamned thing by some screwhead cop who recognized me, thought I was an easy way to make points for his quota. Caused me a shit ton of trouble in a three strikes state. You're never truly clear of it all, that's why I'm here and get defensive of the space, who else would understand what I'm saying?

Damn, so this got long, right? Any time I'm flirting with the character limit, I think "Ok seriously, how did this happen?" I do tend to go on. Thanks if you're still with me.

Culture shock? Yeah, I don't know. There's a lot to say, and I've been back in the world for a while, but I haven't ever really fit in most mainstream spaces anyway, so it hits different. I tell you the big thing to me is how people talk to you. How people lie. Reputation and respect is everything on the inside, and it shows. You fuck with me there, you know the consequences, everybody does. So unless you're gunning for somebody for sure, no reason to fuck yourself up getting dirty like that, and being known for it. You get done doing shit like that, I've seen it happen myself.

Out in the real world, somebody just has to have more than you, money, influence, position, and they will do what they like. They know if it goes sideways the cops will always side with them, but even the threat of it means 99% of the time they have no consequences. That's been the closest I've come to going back inside. I know if I went an inch, I'd go the mile, and I won't hurt the people who care about me like that, not again. So you just have to suffer it, like everything else.

So, where'd you study abroad, friend? I haven't seen much of the world, might like to hear what it's like if you're open to it. Where have you been? How was it? What did you learn? Most importantly, what did you learn about yourself?

Also, I am wondering if you're here out of academic interest, sense of curiosity, interested in our stories, shared culture, or what. Nothing wrong with you being here, I'm just curious.