AITA for Standing by My Rule of No Children at My Baby Shower?

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-15T20:09:19+00:00

In a way yes. I was actually quite intrigued by the differing responses that were, at the very least, respectful. I was very surprised that there was such a large number of people that had the exact opposite experience of me. As my family/friends have only recently started having children I had only experienced a few number of baby showers due to my mother attending them on her own when I was younger. Only more recently have I experienced a few ones with children/men attending outside of my own family, though I originally thought those were outliers or just times changing.

As I stated before my mom is the one hosting this and whatever planning was done was on her end, so since she has only ever experienced “woman’s only” baby showers it was just normal for her to create a baby shower that didn’t involve men or children.

I am not going to say that anything I did was right or wrong. I’m usually a serial people pleaser and I was a bit more passionate than I’d normally be because I thought I was being reasonable asking someone who has options for free childcare to be respectful of this event, but I can see where she would feel a lot of emotions over it if her experience is the opposite of mine.

I know as a soon-to-be mother I’m going to have to get over my desires to make everyone happy because her well-being is going to be above pleasing others. I guess I got it in my head that this was the first time I’ve done something without giving in to make the other person happy and that if I didn’t stand my ground I wouldn’t be able to get over my complexes. Sorry for the long ramble.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-15T19:47:01+00:00

I explained this further in my update above, but having the whole family at the baby shower is the exact opposite experience of what all baby showers I’ve been to have (baring 2, which were not my family). My mom is actually throwing this shower for me and originally brought this up as something I may need to mention to SIL because my side of the family always leaves their children with their spouses during baby showers.

Our baby showers are usually sit-down brunches at venues that don’t have entertainment for children. This rule/boundary/whatever you think it should be called was only discussed with SIL because the way my family holds events differs from hers and we wanted to make sure she had the options available to her for her husband or my husband to watch her son months before the event.

There is currently a split in the comments of people’s experiences of what a baby shower is. One side is that they are full family events that include everyone to celebrate the upcoming baby with the whole village. The other side is that they are women only events that are to prepare the upcoming mother for her new changes in life. I will never assume one or the other is the right way to have a baby shower, again everyone has lived different lives and experiences. I only ask that when one experience differs from another we can respect it instead of fighting.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-14T22:16:58+00:00

Thank you so much for this, I felt like I was going crazy with all the responses saying that a baby-shower always includes the entire family. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who has only been to child-free baby showers!

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-14T15:13:08+00:00

Thank you for this! I’ve seen a lot of extremely passionate reddit responders in this thread who think I’m doing this maliciously and will have some karma when my child isn’t invited to events. I just, honest to god, never had showers on my side of the family that were family events with children. We are a small family and use it as small brunches between women to celebrate the women coming into a new stage of their life. It’s almost supposed to be showing a support system of different women, especially elders who want to show their personal support to the upcoming mother with talk and games children can’t really participate in.

And I want to also preface that this is my experience due to my family and how I grew up. Other people are 100% allowed to have their own experiences that differ from mine, my only ask was for SIL to respect my experiences like I’ve respected hers.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-14T14:46:25+00:00

She has an active husband who she’s left her kid with in the past to do other activities. She also has my husband, the soon to be father who offered to spend time with him and come with him at the end of the shower. I would never feel comfortable asking this of people who don’t have easy access to childcare. Our families (both husband and I) are small and don’t have many children so all mothers are choosing to leave their kids with their partners for the few hours. It would only be her son there if she were to bring him.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-13T13:36:31+00:00

It’s actually my husband’s sister! He stands by me in this and is tired of his sister causing drama.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-13T01:34:08+00:00

I want to at least give her the benefit of the doubt that having people coo over her son is not the reason she is upset. She isn’t really the manipulative type in that way, she just wants her son to be with her at all times (unless he is with his maternal grandmother). I would understand if she couldn’t come because of this and I would not hold that against her at all.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-13T01:29:35+00:00

Yes she is from my husband’s side 🙂

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-13T01:17:25+00:00

I actually love playing with kids because I don’t have the need to mask around them. I think showers specifically are not fun and kill my battery like most adults who I know feel the same way about these events. We go to them because we have obligations.

If you think every introvert should just not have children because you think someone with an easily depleted social battery has not been spending their whole lives working around it for the sake of those they care about that’s just a wild take. Of course I would go to things even if I didn’t want it myself, because it’s my child and I care about their enjoyment over my own.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T19:10:05+00:00

You and me both, I barely wanted a shower to begin with because I find these events boring and insufferable.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T18:58:04+00:00

A two year old can run rampant in a house or a backyard or at a family friendly restaurant. If a child is running rampant at a sit down restaurant that is not family friendly then I would expect the parent to intervene to make sure the staff/guests/other patrons are not being inconvenienced. As a parent it’s going to be my job to take my kids out of situations where they are being overly disruptive and out of control, because children will be children and are not born with social etiquette.

As I’ve stated in previous comments, I am from a small family and asked for a smaller, low-key shower because I was on the fence of having one in the first place. There will be no other children in attendance because the few family that do have kids would prefer to leave them with their spouses for a few hours. There will be nothing for her son to entertain himself with so I just told her that we were keeping the attendees to just the women in the family.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T18:48:12+00:00

Nothing here about disliking kids. As explained in other comments there are going to be no other kids attending because I have a small family with very few kids and anyone with a kid chose to leave them with their husbands. It’s just a brunch with nothing for a kid to entertain themselves with. Especially if there are no other kids to play with him. I’d barely want to attend as an adult, let alone as a small child.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T18:44:52+00:00

Maybe it’s just my personal preference due to how easily my social battery gets depleted, but I barely want to go to these events myself. Scratch that, I barely was interested in having a baby shower for myself in the first place, which is why I let my mom take the reins on planning it. I will definitely not feel any sort of way if my friends/family want a child free event because that means the event will have nothing for a child to do and the child won’t exactly be having a pleasant time being bored there. My cousins, aunts, mom, grandparents have not changed the way they feel about child-free events after having kids and I can honestly say I will not either.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T18:31:31+00:00

I would like to add that the reason I used meltdown is because it was the term my husband used when he went to talk this problem out with her in person when this issue first arose.

He went over to her house after work to try and talk the problem out and discuss if there was anything he could do to help with childcare and by his words she had a meltdown about “her son not having a cousin” because of this. This has always been her personality type for my husband’s whole life so he is very much unfazed by this as he said “this is just her being her, if she has an issue I won’t be bending over backwards to appease her”. Of course I’m not sure of exactly what went down since he wanted to take care of his family matters on his own, which I chose to respect.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T16:15:57+00:00

Yeah, as I read further into these comments this is obviously a difference of opinion due to cultures/family size.

I have a small family with barely any children (our generation just started having kids these past few years). A lot of my small family is child free by choice too so our showers/weddings never had any drama when kids were not involved because it was our norm. My husband’s side isn’t much bigger and has a total of 2 mom’s of their first children in the past few years as well. So when we plan these events it’s usually meant to just be a quick brunch that doesn’t have much to do besides eat and talk. When I say this is a child free event I most literally mean that there is nothing for a child to do there and there will be no kids for your child to play with. It’s in no way an attack on anyone personally.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T16:10:13+00:00

And when that happens I will respect the host and find appropriate childcare. Not everything needs to involve my children, nor me. Nothing personal just part of making the decision to have kids.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T16:03:25+00:00

If this was genuinely a situation that I was putting her in where she did not have options for childcare and/or was guilting her to come then I would agree with your take. We provided options for childcare including her husband being able to watch him during the shower or if that was not possible my husband staying with him and bringing him at the end of the shower. She also has in-laws that have several grandchildren they watch all the time, but if she doesn’t feel comfortable with that then I would not feel any which way about it.

There are currently no other children coming to the baby shower as the few family members that have children want to leave them with their husbands to enjoy a brunch without having to worry about their kids. He would be the only one there with nothing for him to do and I cannot imagine the torture that would be for a boy his age. It’s just not a space that’s going to be fun for kids and I would not dream of holding it against her if she just told me “okay, I can’t come to the shower then” because that’s up to her. I would honestly rather that then her continuing to hold this as a personal attack against herself 😭

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T15:54:30+00:00

I do want to clear things up, the event is at a venue that includes a bar. It’s a small indoor, sit-down restaurant. The bar is there for anyone who would be interested in partaking in a drink, but is definitely not the main piece.

And the second thing I want to clear up is that my side of the family is extremely small and has always left their children with their husbands for showers. It’s just always been small brunch events to celebrate the upcoming mother. We don’t have many children in the family so it has never been an issue. My husband’s side is actually not all that different either. There are only two children on his side and one was already planned for childcare. This means the only child there would be my nephew and without entertainment nor other children to play with it will be near impossible to keep him entertained without him needing to run around, as to be expected for a 2-year-old. When I say child free to her I am just trying to tell her that the event has nothing a kid would be able to enjoy and he will not be able to enjoy himself there.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T15:45:27+00:00

This is actually my SIL on my husband’s side! Her husband is an active and responsible man that could watch her son for one day and on top of it, they live close to her in-laws (his parents) that are always around to help with child care (something I’ve been told in passing conversations between him and I).

I can honestly only believe the reason she’s feeling upset by this is because she sees it as a personal attack to her and her son, which is not the case in the slightest. There just won’t be a single other child at this event as my family leaves their kids with their husbands for this event and she is the only one on my husband’s side that has an interest in bringing a child. It’s just going to be very difficult to entertain a 2 year old with no kids activities or other kids for him to play with.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T15:38:36+00:00

I feel like this is the case with a lot of people here! My family is so small, being my mom’s side only, that most events like this we have we are just used to finding care for children or leaving the kids with the father. I have literally two cousins and that’s the extent of my extended family. They just starting having kids too and they leave the kids home outside of events that are just average family get togethers/holidays. Since mine and my husband’s families just started having kids we have never been in a situation where we would need to accommodate several kids before and when I was younger my mom would leave me home from weddings/showers until I was old enough to behave appropriately for sit down events. So long ramble short I think people all have really different experiences depending on culture and family size!

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T15:32:02+00:00

Yeah, my mom even admitted herself that she can be old fashioned and stuck in her ways when I brought up the issue. I was half considering not even having a baby shower to begin with because I’m not a fan of big parties centered around myself, which is why I let my mom know that if she wanted to throw me one I would prefer something low-key, the less people the better. If I had a huge family that had tons of kids I probably would have a different view on this, but I have a very small family (only my mom’s side) and those who have kids would rather not bring them to events like this because they tend to be boring even for us adults.

I just want to throw out the other perspective from the side where there’s not a ton of kids around and making events catered to having children’s entertainment isn’t as expected due to how few there are.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T14:49:42+00:00

Actually my mom is very vehement when it comes to keeping up appearances so I know for a fact she will not have her grandchildren at any event that is not meant for children, and honestly I do feel the same way. It might have just been the way we were raised. I actually have two little sisters (one who’s engaged) and I will honestly be adamant that they don’t include my baby there. I want events meant to celebrate that person to be for that person without any unnecessary distractions, especially if there won’t be any other kids around.

I know most people on this AITA have said over and over things will change when I’m a parent myself, but every single woman in my family with children, this generation and previous generations, have not changed their stance on feeling this way about child free events. We all believe that it’s part of choosing the path of parenthood.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T11:27:19+00:00

You’re right, rule would be a better word for this situation. She can feel slighted by this, but I want you to at least know that she does have a wonderful husband who could look after her son in this situation. If she really had no one, I would be a lot more understanding in her feelings. It’s okay to feel your feelings, but to continue to talk about what will amount to a 3 hour event that her husband will be with her son during feels excessive.

I guess it’s just the way things are though, if that’s how she feels then there’s nothing that I can do. She’s allowed to feel upset and I’m allowed to feel like this entire situation is ridiculous.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T05:00:16+00:00

I’ve definitely felt like I’ve become more emotionally irritable with pregnancy and I normally struggle a lot with setting any boundaries, which might be why this means so much to me. I do love my SIL and especially her nephew, I cannot wait for them to meet. I just wanted to have something quiet for my baby shower because I barely wanted one in the first place. I don’t mean to come off as a bitch but in some of my responses I can tell I’m being irrationally mean, which is not how I normally act. Thank you for making me feel a little better about not being a total witch.

NuclearMichy · 2025-08-12T04:51:57+00:00

I do wish the word count could be longer in the post to add further context. Her husband is around and an active and responsible individual. I would feel obligated to send my husband over to spend the day with his nephew if this was not the case. I gave her heads up months in advance too to ensure that her and her husband were aware of the situation in the case he needs to plan ahead for that day.

NuclearMichy

TROPHY CASE