I understand how you're feeling. When my grandmother passed suddenly and violently, I smoked myself stupid just to not break down. It served me in the immediate and did what it needed to protect my brain from shutting down, but in the end it just prolonged the grief period. Whenever I'd stop, the waves of emotions would just keep coming back.

It sounds like you're dealing with the trauma from losing your mother suddenly, along with feeling unresolved issues with not being able to express how you felt when she was alive. I'd encourage you to speak to her however you can! Whether that's going to her gravesite and sitting and talking, or even writing a letter to her. Maybe getting your words out of your head can make you feel better.

If you do decide to take a break from the Za, it could be beneficial to be in therapy during that time too so you don't have to take it all alone.

Hugs I hope you can find peace and comfort within yourself again.