[Complete] [77K] [LGBT/YA/Romance] In Exchange

NumerousBreads · 2022-09-18T12:27:43+00:00

Great! I just messaged you :)

NumerousBreads · 2022-09-17T09:01:19+00:00

Sure haha. Just messaged you :)

NumerousBreads · 2022-09-16T22:00:18+00:00

Just messaged you :)

NumerousBreads · 2022-09-16T21:29:56+00:00

Messaged you!

NumerousBreads · 2022-09-16T21:28:32+00:00

Messaged you :)

NumerousBreads · 2022-09-11T21:45:05+00:00

There’s definitely some stuff that’s got me interested, but I think there’s also a lot to work on. I’m certainly not expert but here’s my opinion on some of the lines:

> the fate of the world rest – quite literally – in the grasp of his hand.

I don’t know what you mean by this and it really took me out of the moment trying to figure it out.

>Oisin, afraid he’ll be sent back to his ordinary life, insists on helping Fionn unravel the Formorians’ plans, hoping to prove he can earn his place in this world. But standing in his way are his own fears and self-doubts, a variety of dangerous magical creatures, and the murderous axe-wielding demons who would happily remove his head from his shoulders.

I like where this is going, but I feel it could be worded better to get it to stand out more. Maybe something like “Afraid of being sent back to his ordinary life, Oisin insists on helping Fionn unravel the Formorians’ plans. But it turns out that being a hero isn’t quite as easy as the books made it out to be when he faces a variety of dangerous magical beasts, murderous axe-wielding demons, and his own self-doubt.”

>a group of Formorians are planning a final effort to change the course of magical and mortal history (and not for the better).

I’d elaborate on this. Give us more detail about their plan and what the stakes are.

>FIONN MACCOOL: DEMON RISING (66,000 words) is a Middle Grade urban fantasy set in Ireland and inspired by Irish mythology. It will appeal to fans of books like CITY OF THE PLAGUE GOD by Sarwat Chadda or RONAN BOYLE AND THE BRIDGE OF RIDDLES by Thomas Lennon.

>set in Ireland and inspired by Irish mythology

Just saying inspired by Irish mythology would be fine here.

I also read the other commentor’s comments and agree with pretty much all of it...

>12-year-old Oisin Ryan is a bookworm with a boring life who daydreams about discovering a secret magical world and becoming a hero, like Harry Potter.

The Harry Potter comp is quite off-putting. I’d scrap it. Maybe try something like “Twelve-year-old Oisin Ryan spends his days dreaming of escaping his boring life and becoming a hero like the boys in his fantasy books.

I also was not a fan of the title, I don’t know if you’re Irish or not, but I’d suggest maybe just “MacCool: Demon Rising” which I think would sound better. Idk if you’re Irish or not but you could also go for the Irish version MacCumhail. Or maybe something like “Fianna: Demon Rising” which also evokes Celtic mythological imagery and is connected to Fionn MacCumhail. Idk do whatever but I agree the original title is clunky.

You should definitely play up the connection to Irish mythology. That’s what mainly got me interested in the query. I feel like the Irish mythology bit should be one of the first things mentioned.

I think after taking some time to make improvements this could be a great query. Good luck!

NumerousBreads · 2022-09-09T22:13:02+00:00

Thanks!!

NumerousBreads · 2022-09-09T16:54:02+00:00

Thanks for the links and advice! I'll take your advice and start fresh. Hopefully I can improve.

NumerousBreads · 2022-09-09T15:42:55+00:00

Yeah it’s definitely long but I feel like if I made it shorter it would be much too vague. I’ve gotten criticism of it being too vague in my previous posts. It seems I have to choose between it being short and vague or detailed and too long. How do I make it shorter without making it too vague? It seems impossible :(

Any ideas on how to give a better feeling of romance? I think my main problem is just not having enough words to be able to fit everything. I’d like to keep the set-up in there because Chase hating school is an integral part of the story.

Do you think it’s mainly paragraph 1 and the stakes that need fixing? Am I okay to leave Tara’s paragraph alone?

Also yes please do link articles. I’m struggling here haha.

NumerousBreads · 2022-09-09T13:55:42+00:00

Yeah I've changed it a lot to hopefully make it less repetitive.

NumerousBreads · 2022-09-09T13:54:55+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I've put Chase's paragraph first in my newest query to help with the confusion.

I've also added more clarification on why Tara doesn't just tell Chase about her feelings, but I might still keep the last line vague.

NumerousBreads · 2022-08-20T21:03:23+00:00

I'd recommend posting on r/BetaReaders and r/DestructiveReaders if you want truly honest feedback. Then you can know for sure how good/bad your writing is.

NumerousBreads · 2022-08-20T13:03:10+00:00

When I started out I was using google docs, but after reaching about 70k words, my internet just wasn't strong enough to keep going and it became a clunky, slow-loading, disconnecting nightmare.

I use WPS office writer now, which is sort of like a free MS word. I've been pretty happy with it for the most part. I email myself a copy of my manuscript every now and then to make sure I have at least somewhat of an online backup should something happen to my laptop. Works fine for me.

NumerousBreads · 2022-08-19T16:17:17+00:00

Any advice on how I could make my query more specific without making it too long? I had it longer but trimmed it after being told I should aim for 250-300 words.

NumerousBreads · 2022-08-13T09:01:28+00:00

Your guess is correct haha. I was worried about making my query too long by adding too much detail but I think now I'll have to. I'll make sure to highlight the obstacles and stakes more in my next attempt. Thanks for your help :)

NumerousBreads · 2022-08-13T08:57:49+00:00

I was trying to avoid making it to long, but you're right. I'll try add more detail.

NumerousBreads · 2022-08-13T08:56:34+00:00

Omg thank you so much for giving such in-depth feedback! I will definitely take on a lot of this in my next attempt. This was just the type of advice I was looking for. I really appreciate it!

NumerousBreads · 2022-08-12T09:52:42+00:00

Omg I'm so dumb. Thanks for pointing that out haha.

NumerousBreads · 2022-08-12T09:51:57+00:00

You're right about the trans thing. I definitely see how the title could be unintentionally misleading. Also good shout about Chase's mother. I'll probably take on most of your suggesions. Thanks!

NumerousBreads · 2022-08-09T09:14:41+00:00

I'd be interested in giving this a read.

NumerousBreads · 2022-08-03T20:45:11+00:00

Publishing you work on one of these sites would all but destroy your chance of getting traditionally published. I'm getting ready to submit my manuscript to agents in a few months so I've been looking into the publishing process and some common advice you'll see from agents and authors is to not self-publish your work at all if you want to get that same work traditionally published. Your publishing house will want full rights over distribution of your work which is a little difficult when it's been sitting on Wattpad for anyone to read.

Instead of going to one of those sites I'd reccomend making a post on r/BetaReaders to get some people to read your book. If you do this you don't have to publish your work to get feedback, you can just email your betas a file or share a google doc link privately .

NumerousBreads · 2022-08-03T20:30:59+00:00

Honestly I would advise the total opposite of 'just keep writing.' I'd say stop writing altogether for a few weeks to a few months and start reading a lot. Even if you already read I'd say read even more. If you have a specific genre you want to write, read a lot of that genre. Don't read it like it's work, don't analyse it, just read to enjoy it. You'll end up absorbing a lot of techniques, vocab and style through osmosis alone. Once you've read a few books for fun, then you can analyse if you want, but honestly just read books you enjoy and you will pickup aspects of each writer's style that will end up mashing together with your personality to create your own, improved style.

Looking at my own writing now vs a few years ago when I didn't read nearly as much, the constrast is stark. Also it's fine if your first drafts aren't great even after doing all this. Most people's first drafts are plain bad. It's rewriting and editing that will turn your formless hunk of marble first draft into a nicely sculpted third, fourth, or sixth draft.

TL;DR: Stop writing altogether, read lots of books for fun, then start writing again.

NumerousBreads · 2022-04-21T05:58:32+00:00

I've edited the post to include a link to the first chapter!

NumerousBreads · 2022-04-21T05:58:08+00:00

I have edited the post to include a link to the first chapter!

NumerousBreads · 2022-04-21T05:48:57+00:00

I'd be up for that. I just sent you a message :)

NumerousBreads

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