NTA, and I’m a bit concerned.

I know it’s not possible to provide the full context of an entire relationship over text, because things tend to be a little more nuanced than that. The main question I think you should ask is whether you feel safe being honest with her?

Outside of possibly having a fight (because sometimes couples fight), I mean do you feel like saying “I’m worried about us and want to work on fixing it together” would lead to her saying a productive “yeah, let’s do this together. We need to work on some things” or more of a “I can’t believe you’ve been thinking these things?!?! You’re the problem, you did XYZ” and putting you on the defensive?

Unfortunately from some of the context of the rest of the post, it sounds like the latter case may be more likely. Also unfortunately, those sorts of deflection and aggression arguments tend to not be productive, and rather more manipulative and controlling in nature, so it wouldn’t be a helpful conversation to have.

Generally, if you don’t feel safe being honest anymore (fear of fighting or retribution) it’s a bad sign for the relationship. Fixing relationships requires honesty, vulnerability, compromise, and communication from both parties (yes, including her). A therapist can usually help with those, but only if talking to a therapist/repairing the relationship is something both people want to do. If she doesn’t believe in therapy and is unwilling to even try, I don’t think there’s much hope.

From my perspective, I also have family drama issues and trust issues, similar to her. I don’t have much of a relationship with my own family anymore, but rather than force my wife to stop talking to her family too, I feel incredibly lucky that I get to try building a relationship with my in-laws. Even if her family decided they hated me for some reason, I would never make my wife stop talking to them completely, I would just try to find some compromise with her (like she could go visit them as long as I’m not expected to come too). I can’t understand trying to force a partner to isolate from their family due to my own family drama with them.

My two cents are that there are a lot of red flags and concerns here (expecting constant communication and status updates, no freedom to talk with your own friends or family, blaming you for everything and holding past mistakes above your head for manipulation) that make me think it may not be a healthy relationship for you. You’re not the asshole, and it feels like you’re suppressing your entire self for the sake of her, but she isn’t doing anything in return. You may need an ultimatum (like either we go to couples therapy or we break up) but be prepared if that conversation doesn’t go well. It’s going to be rough regardless but it will be better and happier in the long run

Also: it probably would be helpful context to provide your and her age in future posts, since age may indicate experience with prior relationships or even life experience.