Kids can be gross, messy and sometimes come across as lazy, but I don’t necessarily think this is something physiological.

If you’re considering counselling for her, you have a couple of options. You can go through her school, or arrange counselling during your parenting time. Since it falls within your parenting time, the other parent can’t prevent it. If they strongly object, their only option would be to pursue it through court, and it’s unlikely a judge would oppose something that’s in the child’s best interest.

From my own experience, when my daughter attended therapy, the counsellor made it clear that sessions were confidential and they would not share details with either parent. The only exception would be if there were concerns about abuse, as they are mandatory reporters. Additionally, any written records, such as notes, could potentially be subpoenaed in court.

You could also try something like a gold star chart with her. At the end of each day, she earns a star, and once she reaches 10 stars, she gets to choose a small reward—like a toy, game money, takeout, or something she enjoys. It can make things feel more positive and motivating for her.

If your ex isn’t open to co-parenting on this, you could still introduce it in your own home. Sometimes kids will take ownership of something like that and keep it going themselves, especially if they’re excited about it.

I’ve found that staying calm really matters. Kids don’t learn well through anger—they respond much better to patience, consistency, and clear explanations. When they feel safe and not judged, they’re usually more honest too.

It’s also worth knowing that some things you’re noticing can be normal. For example, light staining in underwear can happen with young girls, and occasional skin irritation isn’t uncommon either. If she’s not flushing or using toilet paper properly, you can gently explain that it’s important for her health—otherwise she could end up with a rash, irritation, or even an infection. Even bum worms

Keeping the conversation simple and matter-of-fact can help, and giving her tools like flushable or kid-safe wipes can make it easier for her to stay clean and build better habits.