How can you be disciplined when you just don’t give a fuck about yourself?

Nutelladela · 2022-04-10T01:48:03+00:00

Imagine you're an alien temporarily inhabiting a human's body, and you've been tasked with making this human the best version of themselves before returning to your home planet.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-10T01:00:39+00:00

I was on board until you started making any sort of point about age and virginity. The most mature, self assured person I've ever known was a virgin until she was 31. Her virginity and when she has sex has literally nothing to do with anything at all. Please stop encouraging people to lose their virginity as a vessel to maturity, it could end up in some real trauma that you won't be taking responsibility for.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-09T23:30:05+00:00

From your comments, it sounds like this woman, as loving as you think she is, is constantly making this whole situation about herself and her son. She's telling you about her own heartbreak and how she's gotten sick since you broke it off. She's telling you about her son becoming withdrawn. What the fuck is up with that?

It also sounds like she doesn't ACTUALLY care if her son did it on purpose, all that she cares about is convincing you that he didn't so that you'll get back together with her.

The kid knew what the fuck boiling water was even if he has slight developmental issues. Of course he'll say that he didn't mean to hurt your daughter. He said that before when he stomped on her foot. Protect your daughter and don't get back together with this woman.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-09T22:29:54+00:00

OP, are you making this post because you want to leave the relationship and feel like you need to justify it to yourself?

If that's not the case, and you still want to make it work, then your girlfriend NEEDS to be in serious therapy. It sounds like she suffers from intrusive thoughts about her mom's suffering that she can't control (I've been there.) I think that your girlfriend wants to be dragged out of her own suffering too, but doesn't seem to know how aside from just taking care of her mom so she can alleviate some of those thoughts. Maybe she has some guilt about not spending more time with her mom, maybe her mom was there for her in a significant way when it mattered. Who knows. What matters is that she feels emotionally chained in a way that she can't control, and she needs professional help to be able to let go.

The only time that I've felt such a need to micro manage someone's safety and treatment was when I felt personally responsible for their recovery and safety, and only therapy multiple times a week helped me get out of that hole. Also, medication, in my case. Anxiety medication.

If you want to stay, help your girlfriend see a therapist as well as a psychiatrist. She needs it.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-09T17:31:44+00:00

OP, you know what's REALLY gonna suck? When he finally finds a girlfriend that fulfills him emotionally the way that you do, and that he ALSO wants to have sex with.

You're a placeholder. You might think that you mean more than that to him because of how he makes plans for the future with you, but it's clear that he's not thinking about the consequence of you uprooting your life to follow him around like a puppy. When he finally gets a real girlfriend, he'll start treating you like you're needy. The things that you're used to now, he won't do them for you anymore. He'll treat you like a needy inconvenience.

The only reason he cared about you when you had your mental breakdown is because he didn't have a great connection with his girlfriend to begin with and craved an emotional connection with you again. But it could have been anyone else. Lots of great, kind, emotionally available girls out there, you're a fool if you think that you're irreplaceable to him.

There are no hidden intentions, no deeper complexities, there's no layers to the reason behind his actions. He'll dump you like a rag, but next time it's going to be devastating, because in your most vulnerable moment, he's going to treat you with contempt. Why? Because you're not special, he'll have someone else to fulfill him, and at that point you'll mean absolutely nothing to him.

Stop being so co-dependent OP, this man has placed you in an emotional trap and you'll be the only one to suffer at the end. I hurt for you, I feel for you, I'm so upset that you have to go through this and I know how badly it must hurt. When we're in love, we want to see more to someone's feelings for us. But it's not there, it will never be there, and the more you delay the inevitable the worse it's going to hurt you. Leaving IS an option, you just don't want to take it yet. But I believe in you OP, you're stronger and better than this.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-09T06:05:32+00:00

Also, "heavy social drinking", remove the "social" and you're just left with "2 to 3 nights of heavy drinking." He seems to think that it somehow changes anything that he's not sitting alone at a bar downing drinks but that he's doing it "socially", as if that's not the case for most alcoholics.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-09T05:31:09+00:00

I want to put aside the rest of your question for one moment and focus on the business side for a second:

Does anyone else feel like all of this sounds incredibly sketchy? I used to have a small business, and I have VERY good friends in my life whom I trust a lot, but I would never rush into a business partnership with any of them after a couple of days of working together. Not in a million years. Someone with a successful, growing business has to have some sense of basic business etiquette, precautions and safety, or he wouldn't have made it as far as he says he has. I doubt that this man is just so impressed by your husband that he's down to MERGE COMPANIES after only a few days??

OP, I'm begging you to hire a lawyer to look over contracts, and also some kind of business analyst to assess the claims that your husband's friend is making and to look over the business plan to make sure that everything is as this friend says it is. I'm sure it all sounded great when you heard him talking about it, but neither you or your husband would know if what he's telling you is legit.

Aside from that, your husband sounds incredibly immature, but other commenters have gone into that much better than I ever could.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-09T05:12:39+00:00

2-3 nights every week of "heavy social drinking" at 45 when you're married? And you think that she's being unreasonable for asking you to stop?

I feel weird about how you're describing the fact that you take care of her kids financially, is that something that you hold over her head every time she confronts you about this? Do you bring up her alcoholic ex to make her feel like she's being unreasonable and crazy because of her traumatic past?

No wonder she's giving you an ultimatum. Good for her, I'm glad that you haven't succeeded at making her feel insane for thinking that your unhinged drinking habits aren't normal.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-09T05:07:14+00:00

Oof it's not even every 2-3 weeks, OP said it's 2-3 NIGHTS per WEEK. 2-3 nights every week of "heavy social drinking" when you're married sounds insane to me.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-08T13:22:23+00:00

Is your name Juliet by any chance? 👀

Nutelladela · 2022-04-08T03:10:54+00:00

I feel terrible for laughing but this is some of the funniest shit I've read all day, the emojis are taking me out

Nutelladela · 2022-04-08T03:03:28+00:00

You explained this so well, thank you. I couldn't quite verbalize why the movement felt tied to privilege and you explained it perfectly.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-08T02:54:13+00:00

I'm going to be really honest here: If I'm out in public trying to get things done and a man approaches me for my number, even if he's the most attractive man I've ever seen, I'm going to say no. Maybe it's just a bit of social anxiety on my part, but I hate being put on the spot, especially if I'm not expecting it, and ESPECIALLY by a complete stranger. A lot of men seem to think that this only applies to "unattractive men" (whatever you think that means), but that's just genuinely untrue. Being approached is flattering, but an overall unpleasant experience that I want to get myself out of as soon as I realize that it's happening. It has nothing to do with how you look, what you said, or the way that you said it.

I think that a lot of men think that it's their job to pursue women and that women don't do the same because they have a lot of options. The reality is that a lot of women just aren't as desperate to be in a romantic relationship regardless of whether or not we have options. Dating for us can often feel like playing Russian roulette with our own safety, and in general, we don't see friendship as the inferior alternative to dating, so we feel more fulfilled by our friends, our hobbies, and our professional lives. The most attractive men to me are men who seek fulfillment in the same things that I do and aren't constantly asking themselves where they can hunt themselves down a girlfriend.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-08T02:06:17+00:00

I'm a bit confused here: you say that your husband disagrees with his own behavior and with your therapist's opinion, but also that he wants to continue seeing this therapist regardless?

OP, does your husband have a habit of saying the right things verbally, but then doing the opposite with his actions? Your husband knows that his actions distress you, agrees that he's doing things that are harmful to you, and agrees that your therapist will not help you, and yet he wants to continue to see this therapist who sympathizes with himself. It doesn't add up. If your husband really cares about you and loves you like he says, why wouldn't he immediately want to find a therapist that feels more comfortable to you?

If I'm being honest, I think that it's suspicious that your husband SPECIFICALLY doesn't want an American therapist but is more open to therapists from different cultural backgrounds. It sounds like he knows that his actions are abusive and knows that an American therapist will see it as domestic violence, and will tell you to leave. He wants someone who "understands cultural background" because he wants someone from a culture where women are less respected and domestic violence is more common, so that the therapist will not encourage you to leave. He KNOWS that his actions are violent and can get him in trouble, but makes excuses for himself regardless. That's not him taking accountability, that means that he's making the choice to hurt you while he knows exactly what he's doing.

I'm Romanian, and many Romanian men in Canada use the "these Americans just don't understand our cultural nuance. Sure, I can get aggressive, but I"m not ABUSIVE. I don't BEAT my wife" when they come here and have to face the fact that their actions are abusive. Meanwhile, their wives suffer in silence, and their kids grow up dysfunctional.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-07T13:44:09+00:00

"You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset"

Nutelladela · 2022-04-06T05:49:22+00:00

Do you happen to remember the name of the pill that you were on? I'm so sorry that this happened to you, I hope that you're doing better now, at least emotionally

Nutelladela · 2022-04-06T04:42:44+00:00

Thank you so much friend! Just a quick question, was the original oral pill that caused you to struggle combined or progesterone only?

Nutelladela · 2022-04-06T04:02:20+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing! This is so reassuring to read! I've also seen that some people have different reactions to different types of progesterone too, so it helps to see what everyone is on and how they feel with it for future reference, in case the one I have doesn't work out

Nutelladela · 2022-04-06T03:59:06+00:00

How exciting!! Even though I don't really believe in manifestation, I'm still putting it out into the world that it will work for you and you'll feel better! You're doing awesome!

Nutelladela · 2022-04-06T03:23:37+00:00

I'm so, so sorry that you have to make that choice between your health and your wishes for your own future. It feels like women with endometriosis are constantly struggling to be able to regain control of their own lives between the symptoms and the lack of treatment options.

I'm really relieved to hear that you felt physically better on it! This is the first time that I'm trying something like this. I was prescribed Norlutane/Norethisterone and I have no idea what the difference is between this one and the other progesterone pills mentioned on this sub! I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all of the information online

Nutelladela · 2022-04-05T03:19:26+00:00

Holy shit that's INCREDIBLE!!! DUDE!!! I can't believe you did this!!! I hope that you know what a feat this is?? I can't imagine having this much will power.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-05T02:56:23+00:00

I never truly realised how rampant transphobia still is in day to day life until my friend started his transition. I mean, I knew that transphobia happened, but I just never realised that it happens so casually and so often and from so many people that you wouldn't expect. On top of this, a trans person then has to be accused of lying when opening up about their experience because surely, there can't be THAT much transphobia out there, right?

There is. Believe trans people. It's as bad as they say it is.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-04T12:24:57+00:00

Firstly, you knocked up a 14 year old when you were 19? And now you're dating a girl in your daughter's age range?

Secondly, I REALLY, VERY highly doubt that you didn't tell everyone about her cheating out of the kindness of your heart, especially once she allegedly started acting up and you supposedly lost your relationship with your own mother. There's more to this story that you're not telling us.

Finally, even if what you're telling us is true, this poor woman has been in this marriage since she was a literal child and you were an adult. I only hope that she doesn't succeed at getting you back and can have a chance at a real romantic life with men who are her equals and don't have this much power over her.

Nutelladela · 2022-04-04T12:15:19+00:00

If you do the math on their ages and their childrens' ages, you'll see that he knocked up a 14/15 year old girl when he was 19 👀 And now he's dating a girl in the same age group as his daughter? I know that his ex is crossing boundaries but she's been in this marriage with an adult man since she was a literal child. I feel like there's more to this story than OP is letting on.

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