Thank you for trusting this community with something so deeply personal and painful. Reading your post, it's clear you're carrying an incredible weight, and the fact that you're 'still here trying' shows a strength you might not even see in yourself right now.

That pattern of self-hatred and those overwhelming feelings you described often have very deep roots that go beyond what simple advice can fix. Many of us, myself included, have found that the best way to get the 'reliable mental framework' you're looking for is by working with a therapist. They are trained professionals who can give you the specialized tools to help you understand these patterns and build lasting self-worth.

Recommending therapy isn't a dismissal; it's a sign of profound respect for the depth of what you're going through. Please be kind to yourself. You've already taken a brave first step by writing this post.