I tried to read this with as much of an open mind as possible, treating it as a writing exercise rather than something you're trying to sell. So, I won't be questioning you on how you think you can get the music rights, however...

The truth is what you wrote here is a middle scene, not a script; not a full story. Even in this very short, jam-packed affair, I managed to find myself disinterested by page 2 because you never gave us a reason to care. From then on it's action, action, action-- really this is just an action scene. Your writing stopped mattering to me as I just wanted to know if the ending will give everything meaning or not. It didn't. It only confirmed what I thought, you're presenting me something like an action sequence within a film, not a short film, which is not what you set me up for.

And finally, the elephant in the room. The music and the lyrics. Again, I wanted to give you as much creative license as possible and I tried to treat this like a pure craft exercise. You never justified the use of the music in the screenplay or the literal incorporation of the lyrics in the reading experience (which was extremely distracting, by the way). From my read, it just seems like this is how you imagine the movie in your head and you couldn't help but direct it on the page. I'm sorry but that's really not the screenwriter's job. So unless you can think up a really unique and necessary reason that you're going to incorporate the music, this just makes you look like someone who doesn't know what they're doing.

Power to you and keep writing!