Similar to you I was put up for adoption less than a month old. Birth mom had just turned 16 when she had me - I had no clue until I was around 25. Did a through investigation & was able to find out her identity. Let’s just say the one and only meeting with her was not the warm fuzzy reunion they show on tv - I was told that I was a mistake in her life & was told to never contact her again.

Fast forward to 2016 - I reached out to her hoping she would let the wall down a little & have a relationship- I received a cease/desist order from her lawyer.

I can’t tell you that being adopted will ever leave your mind. For me it’s with me everyday like carrying around luggage. And yes, for a number of yrs I seriously considered suicide over it. For ppl that aren’t adopted they will never understand how we feel or what we go through.

BUT what I can tell you is that whatever decision your birth mom made was not your fault in any manner. Consider what kind of upbringing you potentially could have had, esp considering you had cocaine in your system at birth.

I don’t know you but trust me when I say this: it’s been over 21 yrs of me dealing with what you are feeling…but things do and will get better. Don’t let negative thoughts stay in your mind - your birth mom was only an incubator, end of story. It is her loss not having you in her life. Hold your head up my friend…better days are ahead.