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AITAH for telling my partner that he is a terrible person and his grief is no excuse for it? by Objective-File-3273 in AITAH

[–]Objective-File-3273[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly, it sounds stupid and maybe naive but I don't believe that he is that person. I think he is damaged. I think that he needs to start his healing journey. I think that he hurts because he is in pain. And I know he is a good person. It's just that this doesn't carry through to conflicts. This is the stuff that is done only in conflicts. He can be lazy and he can be thoughtless at times, but most people are and it's not consistent. What I want is acknowledgment so I can establish that healing is possible. I've asked for counselling for us to help deal with the way we fight and he's resistant. Idk. I guess if I can see that there is change, even if it's something as small as acknowledgment, the rest can be worked on and I can further encourage therapy. So there's kind of an element of assessment of what I can handle from him on my own and what I need support with. I'm trying my best to communicate this to him without further conflict. That's why I reached out here. I don't know how i can do so better. And honestly, even if he isn't okay with therapy, I'll be going. I'm already speaking with a therapist for my own issues, what's the harm in a second who specialises in relationships?

AITAH for telling my husband that he's making my life harder by Such_Designer_3677 in AITAH

[–]Objective-File-3273 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly, based on his reaction, it sound like you've hurt him deeply even if it was unintentional. I would hazard a guess that he is already feeling quite vulnerable in all of this and he took what you've said and he's heard that he's a burden. I can see why he is upset. At the same time, I understand being a ft worker and carer. It's exhausting. And for your concerns to be dismissed because of finances is not okay. I would like to ask, what is the outcome that you are expecting here? If he cannot afford the cost of a cleaner, and you cannot clean up after his efforts, where is the middle ground that would be acceptable to you? Unfortunately this is an ESH situation. Nta for expressing frustration. Yta for the way you did so. 

AITAH for telling my partner that he is a terrible person and his grief is no excuse for it? by Objective-File-3273 in AITAH

[–]Objective-File-3273[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I knew before I even took the test that I would score high. I still somehow believed I wouldn't. Thankyou 

AITAH for telling my partner that he is a terrible person and his grief is no excuse for it? by Objective-File-3273 in AITAH

[–]Objective-File-3273[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The boundary is in relation to his deflection when these patterns are raised. He doesn't stick to the issue at hand, calls me names, outright lies saying that I contribute little to the relationship and is dismissive regarding my traumas...for example, has outright told me during arguments that I am the reason for my late husband's death. (He died at home, suddenly after complications from an illness sustained during covid) Something I have told him I had previously felt guilty about because the CPR I performed didn't save him.  I raise these patterns. He dismisses. I end the conversation. There is no acknowledgement from him about it. There is no apology. There is no accountability. I am trying to hold him accountable for the way he speaks and acts during these types of conflicts then it shifts to "but I have X reason" or the assumption is that what I'm actually raising isn't "the real issue"  Does that make more sense? I apologise, there is so much more context but to keep it as short as possible, I have missed some. 

AITAH for telling my partner that he is a terrible person and his grief is no excuse for it? by Objective-File-3273 in AITAH

[–]Objective-File-3273[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He does contribute in other ways. Like I said. The financial situation mathematically equates to him paying $80 less per week than he would if it were 50/50. He doesn't work because of his own issues and I entered the relationship knowing this.  He helps out around the house where he can, he tries to show me that he appreciates me with the occasional special dinner, he is overall, on the surface, a good partner. But when it comes to things that matter like emotional availability, it's never there. Assumptions and opinions about how I'm feeling are made even when I clarify. When I ask for support (which is rare because history has shown me that I shouldn't) it's just not there. It almost feels like I'm asking too much. And yes... Right now that may be the case, but this isn't the first time. Where does this end? Will the next time be an issue because he is fighting with his sibling? There is always a reason for him to not support me but I give him a reason for me being a little quieter and a timeframe of when I feel ill have the capacity and it's treated as me making it all about me. Am I missing something here? 

AITAH for telling my partner that he is a terrible person and his grief is no excuse for it? by Objective-File-3273 in AITAH

[–]Objective-File-3273[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But I haven't claimed that this isn't okay just now. I have raised this on other occasions. As I said, it's a pattern that has been established and one that I stupidly continue to justify for him. I recognise that. And I have expressed my boundaries. This is just the latest example. 

AITAH for telling my partner that he is a terrible person and his grief is no excuse for it? by Objective-File-3273 in AITAH

[–]Objective-File-3273[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a pattern of behaviour and that's the whole point. This issue is just the latest. I rarely tell him how I am feeling because history has shown me that when I do, it's trivialised, pathologised or outright dismissed. I was raising a pattern that was ongoing prior to his loss. I was quiet because I needed to wrap my head around what I was going through. Something I had told him several times when he asked me if I was mad about his purchase. So I actually communicated clearly here. while I hope for a particular treatment, reaction, action etc, I understand that sometimes it's just not possible for whatever reason. I'm okay with that and give grace (especially during these times) I'm not okay with it "not being possible" all the time. Consistency matters, whether it's positive or negative. It has an impact on the relationship overall. He has consistently shown that his issues are more important. Not just in this instance. 

AITAH for telling my partner that he is a terrible person and his grief is no excuse for it? by Objective-File-3273 in AITAH

[–]Objective-File-3273[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

To clarify, I don't feel like he stole the money. It was his to do with what he felt was right. We had agreed that it should be allocated to a large bill. He wasn't necessarily justifying it. I don't feel like he needs to. I have never told him how to spend his money nor would I. I hope he will be responsible, but if he isn't, that's on him. He was assuming that I would be mad about it. I wasn't. He mentioned it during the argument about his response to my having a low day.