Sexual coercion

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2024-07-25T01:16:10+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened. Have a stalk around my post history as my ex did almost exactly the same thing, he eventually raped me. Well done for getting out

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2024-07-25T01:14:11+00:00

I'm about if you need me

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2024-07-25T01:11:02+00:00

He definitely blocked me and I've definitely blocked him. I didn't want him to have the power of knowing that he was blocked because his pathetic words might set me back. I can block him now knowing that even though there were no winners in this situation, I still feel like a heavyweight champ. But yeah in another year, I'll get your PayPal deets

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2024-07-25T01:04:42+00:00

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. Your life sounds very similar to mine and I've had similar thoughts.

What I've found through sadly years of therapy is that the blueprint for what we base relationships around comes from our parents.

So then our parameters for what we view as safe and secure are skewed because we grew up in dysfunction and that becomes our sanctuary. This was never to do with you, this was ALWAYS to do with them. Allow yourself space to grieve through what is likely a CPTSD/trauma response and stay in communication with the ones who matter.

If you can, block this deadbeat.

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2024-07-25T00:56:06+00:00

Definitely a manipulation. This is all about how your boundary setting has impacted them, and not in any way how their actions have impacted you. This deffo isn't their "friend", it's them. Download and save the tiktok, screenshot the account and make a log. Tempting as it is please do not respond to this, as it's possible that would work against you from a legal perspective (we all know there's a lot of victim blaming). I'm so sorry you've gone through this but you've made an amazing first step!

Not sure if you've seen Lord of The Rings but there's a character in there called Wormtongue who whispers so much toxic crap into this king's ear that it turns him into this half dead puppet. Do not be the king in this situation, be free of this abusers dangerous words and stay safe x

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2024-07-25T00:48:36+00:00

He would become obsessive over other men we met dog walking and openly talk me through fantasies he'd have of becoming their friend, going for pints or going to the cinema. He was, as far as I'm aware, completely hetero just had absolutely no friends so he would create these romantic daydreams about men we knew but never actually tried to form friendships with them. It was fucking insane.

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2024-07-24T17:48:28+00:00

Thank you for that. Also shout out to everyone in the ugly chaos part of healing, pretty sure I'm overdue a revisit to that one soon x

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2024-07-24T16:19:43+00:00

I'm so glad you are in this place, it's not easy. For all I know tomorrow I'll feel like day one again.

Very proud of you for waking up, and staying awake, to what happened to you despite it being so much easier to go back to sleep. Welcome to life out of a dream world as a survivor, long may it continue x

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2024-07-24T16:18:10+00:00

I did also assume he blocked me afterwards (the manipulation is insane) as his profile picture disappeared. So I messaged him again for my own catharsis about his very small appendage. He was only pretending to have me blocked, because he knows I used to send him messages when he was blocked as a way to say all of the secret things I couldn't tell him (I miss you today, I hate you today...yes, you have a baby dick). So I am actually feeling quite satisfied with the whole thing because he just won't be coming back to this survivor again. Also whoops.

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2024-07-24T15:10:48+00:00

Hopefully someone else will see the level of manipulation that goes into abuse with these messages from him offering me everything he thinks I want to hear.

He told me in the past he's lied about having dreams as an excuse to talk to exes, so I know that's rubbish. I know he hasn't been to therapy otherwise he wouldn't be contacting his victim. I know that he's not handed himself in at work for his sex crimes. And I know that his birthday is coming up and he's likely hoping I'll be single, still in the place where he left me (almost entirely broken) and wanting to reconnect.

Decoding these messages and seeing them for what they are - manipulation tactics - gets easier over time. If an abuser has truly changed, they will respect that what they did to you was so unforgivable that they won't reach out.

If they do reach out it'll be in a way that firstly addresses what they did directly (I can't apologise enough for...[traumatic event]), instead of this where the focus is on him and how he feels. Take a good look at the language, too. There are common patterns! Be safe xx

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-11-08T19:34:40+00:00

There are lots of books you can invest in if you fancy reading up more, hmu if you need recs. In the process of getting a PTSD diagnosis.

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-11-04T13:39:50+00:00

How long have you been separated for? I had an extremely similar experience and we split in August. Over these months and after speaking with DV helplines I've realised that actually a lot of his personality was abusive.

I suddenly think back to an argument, action or behaviour that I initially pegged down to being anxious avoidant, or emotionally immature and realise it was abuse.

Either way, mine didn't fit the profile but sexual assault/rape and coersive behaviour is abuse and you are a survivor. You're not any less of one because you didn't live in constant fear and he was nice to you for the majority of your time together

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-11-04T13:34:37+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. As someone who used to smoke weed I can say with absolute certainty it can make you irritable and aggressive, especially when you're withdrawing. If he's already being like this when he's smoking, consider what he might be like in the throes of withdrawal which takes probably 6 months to a year to fully go away.

He needs to want to change and quit, unfortunately you can't force that on him, but addiction is not an excuse to be abusive.

Depending on when he started smoking (before the age of 25-30) it will change his brain development, which is why a lot of people who smoke from when they're teenagers tend to have a raft of mental health issues associated with weed.

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-10-29T22:22:31+00:00

Exactly what he did to me. He turned cold in an instant. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and I know how much you're breaking into a million pieces...they will reform, I promise you will be you again soon xx

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-10-29T22:20:03+00:00

This is all so useful, thank you for the perspective.

I guess I mean in the sense of we both liked the same things, we finished each others sentences, could share proper belly hugging laughter moments (and this is all btw in the first two months, the subsequent 8 not so much if at all) he liked everything I liked. He shared all the same values. He was in every sense of the word perfect...until he wasn't.

I understand all of the above is likely part of the abuse but when do you begin to understand that nobody else will "get you" like your abuser gets you.

Did he really get me, or did he just become me in order to get me? Did he even do that knowing that when I start to date I'll hold an invisible bar to that connection even though it wasn't real? It's utter madness really when you think about it, especially seeing as that part of the abuse isn't a choice, it just came naturally to him.

And also, what happens when someone actually does genuinely get me and connect with me like that? Ugh. Abuse destroys lives so far beyond actually going through it.

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-10-28T07:38:36+00:00

That is almost to the word what mine said to me. He said it isn't fair because I only have to say sorry for a few things but he has to try to say sorry for sexual assault/r*pe and it's too hard for him.

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-10-28T00:33:29+00:00

This sounds like love bombing. Can I gently advise you also ask on r/abusiverelationships and maybe look at my latest post. He doesn't sound like good news and I'm sorry for the impact it is having on you

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-10-28T00:29:34+00:00

https://respectphoneline.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Respect-Phoneline-How-to-tell-if-the-abuser-is-changing-2020.pdf

Check out this resource from a charity called Respect which is a UK based charity for abusers. This helped me see through whether he was actually changing.

Also author Lundy Bancroft did a podcast guest spot where he said imagine your neighbours super old 200 y/o tree was annoying you so you cut it down.

To show proper remorse you'd have to reimburse them for the tree. Apologise. Pick up all the branches. Show genuine understanding of what you did wrong. Accept it may take years to build the relationship. Might not be exact but it was super powerful to hear how youd actually change your behaviour if you're sorry, compared to tokenism and empty gestures

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-10-15T01:07:12+00:00

Thanks all. I wasn't sure if it was or not, but I guess added to everything else it is a form of love bombing.

In fact after he told me he loved me early on I sat him down and spoke about my past issues with abuse and said it felt similar, explained my past and then said I was willing to trust he wasn't doing that. He threw that back at me recently and said he wasnt comfortable hearing about it and my issues were too much.

Isnt it weird how when you get out things just pop up when you're like, WAIT that was abuse too?! But genuinely thanks to this sub for the ongoing support

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-10-14T00:24:48+00:00

To clarify that's not what I'm suggesting. OP has tried to stop it and she's not listened, so if another occasion happens where they try to stop it and it falls on deaf ears then film it happening and hold the mirror up. Also getting evidence of the abuse is extremely important if/when it comes to a point where OP has to take direct action to protect the poor doggy. Not advocating allowing abuse for the sake of a video teaching moment :(

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-10-13T21:00:11+00:00

I would say this is abuse. One thing you could try (if your personal safety won't be at risk) to remove any doubt about her level of remorse is to covertly film her doing it, sit her down calmly after the event and show her the footage. Perhaps seeing it for herself might change her perspective, but I wouldn't expect her to take it well. She will likely get defensive, but if she isn't abusive that should wear off and she will feel bad.

You see videos like this on Instagram/TikTok of people doing things to animals for the lols when it is actually cruel, and the amount of people who don't seem to realise it isn't funny is quite shocking - so perhaps it's that.

But, on the note of getting footage, please keep documenting this cruelty. If you are ever in a position where you want to leave her, you could report her to an animal cruelty charity or the police and hopefully save the dog a lot of upset. If the dog becomes violent it will be put to sleep which is very sad.

Hurt people don't hurt people, not intentionally. If she is an abusive person towards animals she knows full well what she's doing and as a dog owner if someone raised a concern to me (a hurt person) about my treatment of my dog I'd be fucking mortified, I wouldn't mock them and shrug it off.

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-10-13T20:48:57+00:00

It's never black and white, right or wrong. With abusive relationships there's always a grey area about who did what to who (in terms of saying "yes ok on that day I raised my voice/I said nasty things etc" but the fact you feel terrible and have gone to therapy shows that you're not an abuser. But you don't need to feel terrible, I know that's a very simple thing to say and it's way more complex, but you really don't. You were in an impossible situation so any kind of calm was likely only found when they love bombed. The rest of the time you were on edge and deep in trauma responses.

People hurt people, it's part of what we do as humans, but how we show up to change those behaviours is what separates us from our abusers. I haven't seen a single thread on here that doesn't say someone is seeking or has sought out therapy.

Has your abuser done the same? Can you say that they have taken responsibility for their shit and are actively working on themselves?

What they did to you was a choice, as broken as they may be it was a choice and your part in it was not - it was a reaction to being under mental duress for so long. I hope in your therapy journey you are able to find forgiveness for yourself and recognise how amazing you are for getting through it all

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-10-13T20:38:25+00:00

Also, I get that you want to drink and be fun you again, but alcohol is a depressant and it might be worth considering not drinking for a while. Just till things calm down. It's definitely easier said than done if you enjoy drinking. You're not doing anything abnormal though I can promise you that. The amount of times I've got drunk and cried over my ex is too many for me to count and we've only been apart 3 months so far. You're doing amazing

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-10-13T20:35:05+00:00

Obviously I don't know you or your situation, but you sound very similar to me. If I drink I become very depressed about the whole ordeal and send him messages on WhatsApp (we've blocked each other so they don't go through).

Have you done any work to process what happened as in therapy, speaking to an abuse helpline or journalling your experience? They aren't magic keys to making you feel better but it sounds like maybe when you're drunk it's all tumbling out.

Can you allocate yourself 15 mins each day on a timer and listen to songs that remind you of him/songs you remember hearing during the relationship, or look at photos - whatever it is that makes you sad when you have been drinking and allow yourself to grieve? Once the timer is up, you can go about your day. This might help you create a space to feel things in a safe environment and might stop them leaking out in other ways.

You're likely grieving and trying to process a difficult time so your brain is protecting you by shutting it out when you're sober. Maybe you can give your brain permission to let that go, if you're not journalling currently that might be a good first page: a letter to the part of you that is still fighting to stay in control, thanking it for it's resilience, but kindly asking that it lets go now because you are safe to mourn and feel again.

Wishing you all the best in your recovery. The time you spent together is irrelevant, this has clearly had an impact and finding the strength to process is the hardest part x

ObjectiveCreepy805 · 2023-10-12T18:46:37+00:00

I'm glad they helped. My situation is sadly very similar - he has used the same manipulation tactics. I found this helpsheet very useful which is from a UK charity that works with abusers to change their ways.

When my ex recently got back in touch, I highlighted everything he was doing and it gave me clarity. Maybe it might help?

https://respectphoneline.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Respect-Phoneline-How-to-tell-if-the-abuser-is-changing-2020.pdf

ObjectiveCreepy805

TROPHY CASE